Suspect wife is cheating – she has no interest in me

I suspect my wife cheated on me with a friend of ours about 4 years ago. I didn’t suspect at the time even though she had asked him to have affair with her some 5 years previous and was exposed by his ex who mentioned it in front of us, and she was unable to deny it.

My wife made no secret about fancying this man and I always believed it to be harmless. About 5 years ago whilst I was away working he called and tried his luck but my wife told me about it and informed me that she turned him away. He began calling to the house regularly whilst I was working, sometimes with his partner who was my wife’s best friend and sometimes when I was home to see me. I genuinely didn’t suspect anything.

For last 5 years our sex life has gone from very active and exciting to next to nothing. She will never kiss me or hug me, and sex is maybe twice a month with no intimacy or foreplay on her part. She treats it like a chore and refuses to discuss it. Only to inform me that it’s normal and that everyone is like us. She makes me feel unattractive and unappealing and tells me that everything is a result of minor day to day issues which I am to blame for (not washing up, or something like that).

She will not touch me or even talk decently to me at home, and is hostile and plain nasty in her constant criticisms of me. When we go out she will hold my hand in public strangely enough and is constantly giving me grief about the fact that I work closely with a female at work. I find this odd as she shows no love or interest in me and shouldn’t be bothered.

I was recently informed by 2 separate people that 5 years ago my wife was having an affair with this friend of ours, whilst at night classes. This coincides with the time the friend was calling to our house a lot. The people who told me about it explained that one of the night school students caught them in a car together, and even gave me details regarding a specific incident where my wife caught a cold sore from this man. She was meant to car share with one girl who has told me that she very rarely picked her up as this other bloke used to meet her and drive her to college. Often she didn’t turn up which ties in with the fact that she found the study difficult and gave it up after a few months.

Looking back our relationship began going downhill fast from about this time. I have tentatively mentioned that I have been told things about her and this bloke but held back on detail. She barely acknowledged it and has not even mentioned it since. I thought if she was innocent she may have been a bit more concerned about proving me wrong.

How does this all look? I am still not convinced even though deep down it cuts me up daily just thinking about it. How should I proceed in order to get her to either admit it or prove it wrong? Are these indisputable signs which I should accept? Do you think a woman like her is going to come clean and put things right? If she admits it I would be happy to get over it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Response:

Several things come to mind.

First, one of the best ways to judge how a relationship is going is to monitor a spouse’s response to affection, kindness, and concern. Does your spouse response to your kindness and affection with indifference? If so, that often signals a problem. When people care about their partners, they take the time and energy to response to positive overtures in a similar manner (see healthy relationships). The lack of sexual intimacy is also troubling. Sexual intimacy is a very good indicator of how things are going in a relationship. If she doesn’t respond to your overtures in a positive manner, it might be wise to address this issue directly (see talk about problems).

Second, when people become accustomed to lying, it can be very difficult to get them to tell the truth. Typically, people who are accustomed to lying only reveal the truth when confronted with irrefutable evidence of their wrongdoing, and even then it can be difficult to do (see confronting a partner).

Finally, people, who are used to lying, will tell the truth when they are convinced that there is no consequence for doing so. In your case, you say that you would like to discover the truth because you “would be happy to get over it.” If your wife knows that this is how you feel, she has little incentive to be honest with you (see get others to be honest). Try to think about it from her perspective. What does she have to gain by being honest? Can you give HER some incentive to tell you the truth rather than frame it as a potential loss? At the end of the day, people are usually motivated by their self-interest.

Hope our response is useful to you somehow.

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