My girlfriend broke up with me due to my jealousy
I had a fight and broke up with my girlfriend of almost four years after I found out she was in contact with her ex-boyfriend.
The fact that she was in contact with him isn’t really the problem it’s the fact she lied repeatedly for almost two days about it even know I told her that I knew 100% that she was lying. Over the space of these two days I kept pushing her to tell me the truth, and refused to believe that she was not in contact with him.
Finally, she told me the truth but she also said that my actions pushed her away and she said she wanted to break up.
This is the third time I have found out she has lied to me which is making me think if I only know about 3 lies how many do I not know about?
But the fact is I love her we are well match and are best friends. I have been talking to her today and she said that she thinks she needs space; I agreed and said that I think I need space also. She says she loves me and she just wants to think about what she wants. She said that I am the only person she has really been in love with and I think she is the only person I’ve really loved as well.
She also said that I she thinks I don’t trust her. I explained that I’ve found out she lied to me to many times and that I want nothing more than to completely trust her.
I don’t think I should accept being lied to. I believe relationships should be based on honesty.
I wrote the above shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend and posted it on another website. But since then I have been doing a lot of soul searching and also reading some of the articles on this website.
I’m starting to think that I am jealous as much as I hate admitting it. I still don’t like the face that she lied to me, but I can in a way understand why she might.
What I want two know is there anything I can do to stop myself for being so jealous. I really don’t want to be like this and it scares me to think that I have been doing something for that may be pushing her away.
Response:
To begin with, relationships are complicated because they involve a balance between closeness and independence. People have the need to share their life with a partner as well as a need for some privacy. Relationships work best when couples acknowledge and learn how to balance these conflicting desires.
Being prone to jealousy makes this task much more difficult. Jealousy often leads people to try and control a partner’s actions (see dealing with jealousy). But, the more you try to control the situation, the more likely a partner is to assert their independence (see relationship dynamics), often resorting to the use of concealment and deception to do so (see protect privacy).
It is possible that your girlfriend was talking to her ex for harmless reasons (see contact with an ex), but she hid her contact from you because she was afraid of how you might respond (see responding poorly to the truth). It is also likely that your girlfriend’s behavior only increased your jealousy. This pattern of jealousy and concealment often causes relationships to come to an end.
So what is a better way to deal with these types of situations?
To begin with, it helps to realize that being close to someone involves giving up some control. If you want to feel close to your girlfriend and you want her to share things with you, then you need to make your girlfriend feel comfortable telling the truth (see get others to be honest).
Again, this involves giving up some control as well as being willing to hear things you do not necessary want to hear. Honesty can create hurt feelings, but that is the price you pay for being close to someone else. Or think of it this way, you can force a partner to tell you what you want, but doing so always creates distance within a relationship.
With that said, a better way of dealing with jealousy is to express what you are feeling without making accusations or trying to control a partner’s behavior (see talk about problems and talk about jealousy). The more you can talk about your feelings, rather than acting on them, the less intense your feelings will become over time.
Ultimately, if you can learn to talk about your feelings in a way that doesn’t come across as an attempt to control your girlfriend, you are more likely to get what you want in your relationship: more closeness and honesty.
Hope this helps.
control issues | end of relationship | her ex-boyfriend | lying girlfriend | my jealousy
Other Options:
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.
