I married a compulsive liar
I am not sure what solution I am looking for, but I feel like my husband is purposely trying to make me go "crazy." See, since the first day of our marriage three years ago, everything has gone down hill for us. He dramatically changed and did things to me, hurtful things, which almost ended in divorce. Because we had a son at the time, we decided to work things out, and it seemed lately that we were finally able to see a possible future together especially since we had child number two, to try to save our marriage (not a good idea, but still grateful for the child).
Anyway, just a couple of days ago, my husband told me that his therapist suggested for him to tell me the truth about something in his life because he is a compulsive liar. As he confessed he informs me that everything that he ever told me about his life while we were dating, engaged, married for 3yrs, was all a lie. All the wild life, girlfriends, etc that he claims to have had and his life experiences are fake. He invented everything about his past.
Now he wants me to believe him.
I have tried, I really have, but it just seems like something keeps nagging me, like no matter what something seems off. Lately, I get the feeling that he is keeping another huge secret from me, I just don’t know if the feeling is true or it is just my reacting from what I just found out.
As of now I am hurt and feel deceived, because I now know that I am completely married to a stranger, I also feel angry, and it is not fair that I made a life with a man that does not exist. I don’t know what to do. If I choose to believe him, then I will always wonder.
Otherwise, I feel like making a fool of myself and investigate, but how does one investigate someone else’s past. I am confused and don’t know what to do. I feel that after all he has done to me I should just run as fast and far as I can with our children, but a part of me does truly love this man.
How will I be able to live past this? Is it possible to be able to trust him ever again? And should I trust my feelings that he may be having an affair or is keeping a deeper truth from me, or is it just my emotions/anger/pain getting the best of me?
I feel like there is no one else who can understand what I am going through. I guess I feel all alone. If you have ever known someone in this situation, what would you suggest? Should I try to investigate even if I humiliate myself in the process? What should I do?
I still wish to save our marriage, but how can I move past this?
If it helps in answering, he claims that he does not want to let me go, he wants to save our marriage, but he keeps lying to me regardless.
Response:
To begin with it may help to know that you are not alone.
Unfortunately, many people end up in the exact same position: Married to a compulsive liar—never knowing what to believe. And in some cases, it can take years before people realize who they are really married to.
But, as you know all too well, eventually, living with a compulsive liar becomes unbearable. Even in the best of circumstances, discovering deception by a loved one can be unsettlingly. Discovering that someone close to you has consistently betrayed your trust, however, leaves people feeling uncertain and full of doubt (see consequences of discovering deception).
Finding out that a husband or wife has lied often raises very fundamental questions and concerns:
- Who am I with?
- How come I didn’t see this?
- What’s wrong with me?
- What else don’t I know?
- Why did this happen?
If you are involved with a compulsive liar, these types of questions can preoccupy ALL of your time. Eventually, people who get involved with a compulsive liar often start to question their own identity: Who am I?
Should you investigate your husband’s past? Probably not. You already know what you need to know: Your husband is a compulsive liar (see compulsive lying).
Your husband only feels safe and secure when he is lying to you. Or think of it this way: all of those feelings you have when your husband lies to you are similar to the feelings he has when he’s telling you the truth. Will investigating his past help you resolve this underlying problem?
Your husband, if he can be believed, is doing the right thing. Compulsive lying needs to be dealt with through counseling and therapy.
Will you be able to trust your husband again? That all depends on how this therapy progresses and how much energy you are willing to invest in making things work. But, there are no guarantees that things will turn out for the best. Dealing with compulsive lying, like any other addictive behavior, is a constant struggle.
Our best advice is to seek professional help (see emotional support).
People involved with a compulsive liar need just as much help and support as compulsive liars do.
Hopefully, knowing that you are not alone will help you get through this difficult time.
dating compulsive liar | hostility | life shattered | lying husband | save relationship | unpleasant discovery
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