Past Comments – I find this website offensive

Comments (13)

Thank You!
written by Guest, 27 March, 2006
Your website is GREAT! So much information and so well organized. Way to go!
Thanks
written by Guest, 12 August, 2006
When I found your website I was elated. I had been trying to figure out how to get my boyfriend of almost 3 years to stop lying to me. Most of the information you have here is great and I thank you for putting this on the web. However, I do have negative feedback about the "How to Lie" link. Most people tend to rationalize lying, but the bottom line is that it’s wrong. Truth should always stand against lies. It’s not a moral relative (i.e. what’s right for you may not be right for me.) I think it’s reckless to place this type of information on your site in an effort to be "balanced." I hope you’ll reconsider your position. Thanks again for creating such a great and useful website!
HR
written by KT, 12 April, 2007
Funny we should question the validity of right and wrong...even more, it is funny no one mentions "consequences." You see, when you lack integrity and lie to a spouse loved one or even your boss, it doesn’t come without consequences unless of course you achieve the reality of what you innately become which is liar without care or concern of being caught and facing consequences! Moreover, it is funny you should reference children in your opinions of deception. You see, children do lie much so as they do get into trouble and learn through the mistakes they make. That is the key here, they learn through their "mistakes" (i.e., lies are wrong) and ultimately pay consequences for those mistakes. As mistakes are made, they are disciplined. Hopefully our mentoring of them will make them into better individuals overall...honesty, ask yourself why we would have laws??? There is something to be said about the phrase "honesty is the best policy"...it’s to avoid negative consequences. In your example, a spouse lies to her husband about not calling him. She is said to be having a good time and therefore decides not to call. When questioned about this, she lies and says she was busy and/or couldn’t make the call. Is it so hard to believe that the husband in this case wouldn’t be receptive and understanding and the consequence of her truthfulness are good? Perhaps this is not the case if her actions of lying occurred on a regular basis. The question that should be asked is ??who is best served?? ...just a thought.
written by Lotus, 09 July, 2007
I recently posted some articles from this website to another forum and made sure that I included the link to this website so the readers could know where I got it. I was told that the writers of these articles contacted the forum and objected to the articles being posted. First of all, I thought by adding the link to the end of the articles I was acknowledging the source and therefore not violating any copyright laws. I am a published author and I understand what it means to have your work taken. I tried looking for contact information and author names and none were listed on the home page. If you object to having your material reposted, please provide a name and email address so that we can go through the proper channels.

Thank you,

Lotus
written by moderator, 16 July, 2007
Dear Lotus,

Sorry about the problem you encountered. We do not mind if people take sections of our articles and post them on other sites – as long as a link and citation are included. The only problem we sometimes encounter is that other websites, then remove the citation and the link – presenting our work as their own.

And if you ever need to contact us – please use the "contact" at "truthaboutdeception.com" address.

written by DC, 14 March, 2009
I may not agree with everything it’s being said in this web site, but I believe you guys have excellent arguments, it seems to me like you do know what you are talking about, is spite of some discrepancies between, lying and telling the truth, you talk about a delicate topic, and therefore have controversy. Well, that’s life right?
written by BraveButHeartbroken, 16 July, 2009
Thank you so much for this site. I studied Tooby and Cosmides at University as part of my Undergrad degree in Psychology, and found it to be very soundly presented work. Having just been presented with divorce papers after an 18 year relationship with a person I thought was the love of my life, and having been lied to for many of those years – completely oblivious to it I might add, I found your site and found it most useful. I went through what could only be described as a mental breakdown after discovering my wifes affair. We got together very young (I was 17 and she was 15 yrs old), lived in a state of codependence, and got married (funnily enough) to see if things would improve. Weddings do not fix fundamental relationship problems however.

I discovered my wifes affair when I overheard a mans voice on her cell, she lied when questioned and said it was a girlfriend. He said "what time does he leave tomorrow" – she explained that away, and blamed me for being suspicious.

We separated as per our therapists instruction.

She strung me along with a few more lies – which I was more than happy to believe because I loved her so much and was also not strong enough in my own development to leave the marriage. My therapist and I worked for more than a year on my low self esteem, and codependent behavior.

Then I started to see the lies for what they were, and she could no longer explain them away. It was like a door opened and I finally saw the light.

She tried to convince me that discrepancies in what she said and did, who she said she was with (but i saw her with other people – men specifically), where she said she was (but she was elsewhere) – all things i would have believed in the past, just did not add up. i focused on her behavior not on what she said, and finally found the courage to leave.

On the very day i was to explain to her that I felt we would be better off getting divorced, she presented me with divorce papers. Incidentally, on that same day her secret boyfriends brother called me to find out a couple of things – she had been lying to him as well, even using the same excuses sometimes – babysitting for a friend.

Now I know that without trust, the basis for a healthy relationship cannot be there.
I know that my next partner will also lie, we all do – but it is the big things (if such relative discrepancies can be made between big and small lies) that matter.

I credit your site with helping me see the humanity in this person who has lied to me – she is entirely convinced that she has done no wrong, lies often happen beyond our conscious perception – but we are always responsible for our actions. I know that she is also human and I also had my input into the end of the marriage – an insecure style of attachment because of my childhood and frustrated childhood needs.

I grieve now – for my marriage, and the loss of the illusion I created around my wife – too much perfection for a normal person to live up to.
That the illusion is such an integral part of our experience of love – it still does not sit comfortably with me, but i know it to be rationally true. My broken heart just battles to believe it.

I will love again – put my hand in the fire.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Thanks for your informative and great site.

BraveButHeartbroken
written by Hugh Man, 07 October, 2009
Hello,
I would like to applaud this brilliant website and its contributors. You must all work tremendously hard at your research and think very hard about what you write. I have rarely read such careful and considered choice of words to create such clear explanations of social science research. Your reply to the example post above is also an exemplary defense of your work.

As for comments like the one chosen by you as an example, and some below, I am sure I am not alone in feeling revulsion for the ignorant refusal of some people to face up to reality. Their moral outrage and personal attacks belie a fear and denial of what we all are, homo sapiens.

Like it or not, lying plays a huge part in the interactions between the very social creatures we are. Try as they might, those obsessed with social control throughout history have failed to straight jacket society. If some of the outraged contributors above were to claim they have never lied (as adults even after learning the lessons of childhood) they would be lying! We are not perfect creatures, and unfortunately we never will be. We lie, we forget, we have short attention spans, we get bored of each other’s company, we are all capable of monstrous behaviour.

Sadly our biological makeup does not fit with the society we have created. The heavy moralistic screaming coming from vigilantes like those spouting off above is very unnatural an inhuman behaviour. I find some of the revelations on this site about how flawed we are as uncomfortable as the next person. But I’m thankful some people have the guts to look at the evidence objectively. Its not always easy to take, but we will definitely be healthier, happier people if we try and be more human.

If we look deeply into ourselves we all feel the chime of what is being said on this website. Of course we have big brains, but we are still animals. We have become an arrogant species which massively overestimates the role of our conscious in our behaviour and hugely underestimates the role of sex drive, hormones and more basic functions. It’s not vulgar to embrace our animal side. The crimes committed in the name of eliminating our animal tendencies, in the name of ‘civilization’, are evidence enough of that.

In the whole span of evolution it would not be ridiculous to suggest we are essentially quite an experimental creature. Genetically we are a brilliant but explosive mix of massively powerful instinctive urges and what is still most probably one of the first prototypes of higher brain function.

In our heady success at conquering the globe we’ve forgotten who we really are. We enjoy sex. We’re born like that. If we try and suppress those urges, we will fail, and probably with nasty consequences.

Lying is rarely good (though we must the resist the urge to blanket condemn it, sometimes it keeps us alive). But as the research explained on this website says, there seems to be little we can do to change our propensity for it. Tackling the causes for infidelity in the first place, and perhaps being more honest with ourselves about whether we want to try and get into monogamous relationships or not, will do a lot more good than attacking the lying.

Keep up the good work. And please don’t bow to the pressure of crusading Victorians. Painstaking evidence gathering and objective analysis don’t create themselves. If the authors of this site have got the courage to have their preconceptions challenged by uncomfortable evidence about truth, sex, love and deception, so have we all.
written by Nuerotic, 20 January, 2010
You guys are doing an AMAZING job. To NOT stop the conversation at "YOU ARE A LIAR!" and be done with it takes a HUGE amount of UNDERSTANDING, KNOWLEDGE, EXPERTISE, ETC! I AM SO GLAD YOU PEOPLE DON’T stop with "I CAN’T STAND LIARS!" I happen to love a liar very much. I see first hand how she operates and it breaks my heart. She will continue to operate this way but this site gives me HOPE that I can STAND FIRM yet SHOW her WITH LOVE that there IS HELP.

DO NOT GO AWAY! WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? THIS SITE HAS AMAZING POTENTIAL!

A SUGGESTION: This site should have a tab for those that lie. Maybe an "expert" can write something that plants a seed that a person will begin to see there is another way.

NOW....for those of you that can’t stand LIARS – A LIAR feels the same way about telling the truth as YOU do when you tell a LIE. That knowledge should be POWER to you to start cultivating love. I recognize it’s hard for a person to change....and I’m here to be a cheerleader for the one I love. I just don’t know how to say this but here goes...

"You are a liar baby...and I love you."
written by wagner, 28 January, 2010
I appreciate this site very much – it gives a compassionate and intelligent perspective on human nature and behaviour, and is as non-judgmental as possible. Thank you. I also am in a relationship with a loving partner who has a difficult time telling the truth. Understanding that this difficulty comes mainly from fear is a good beginning.

written by arise, 23 February, 2010
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I thank God for you people to take the time to share and it does bring Hope... Starts the healing process by knowing it’s never ME that is the reason, nor is my mate a bad person...maybe "lost" ! lost in fears...and whatever that fear is creating the "fake exit" out of the pain (as they think) than that pain and fear gets pass on to those of us that were lied to and cheat on... Forgiveness has to be the big part of a love so YES TO LOVE and thx Nuerotic for seeing the same as me and keep on sharing that hope!!!

Keep on loving TAD!
written by Kris Costello, 21 April, 2010
Wow! Great site with helpful, clear information.
Thanks,
Kris
Producer
http://www.wellnesstalkradio.com
written by Ellamental66, 24 June, 2011
I am grateful to have found this site. I have very rarely come across such well presented, balanced information on such a sensitive and serious topic. This site has kept me sane in the past week and helped me to put things in perspective. I am at a turning point in my life deciding whether to continue a two year relationship with a man who has been seeing someone else "just for sex" since we met! I intend to base my ultimate decision on a logical approach and a full understanding of all the aspects.

Thank you. Your work is appreciated.

Ella

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