A book by a founder of this site.
Past Comments – Why Men Cheat
Example: Let’s say your favorite food is Pizza – you LOVE pizza! Feels like you could eat it every day. Then you get a job at Pizza Hut...and you’re exposed to pizza every day...all day...continuously. After a while, you’re so sick of smelling pizza, working with pizza, eating pizza, and otherwise dealing with pizza..it now feels like even a stalk of asparagus would taste awesome! Any change at all would be welcome! Then – you quit working at Pizza Hut, and satisfy that "need" to be away from pizza (the thing you aforementioned love before!). After a while, your desire for pizza returns, and you wonder how you ever even felt like you couldn’t stand it?
People are the same – substantially. Ever have a room-mate that you DIDN’T get sick of at some point? While it may sound cruel, that long term, repetitive exposure to another person can make you "numb" to what you have in front of you. Only by retreating from the forest, can you "see" what you had. So that "I didn’t know what I had" if very very true. In general, a hunger satisfied, is a hunger no more.
Once a cheater, always a cheater?? I do not think you can blame the genes or whatever we have inherited – if a person is fully conscious he or she wouldn’t cheat!! I think it’s a matter of upbringing
Little did I know that her phone was going off with multiple texts from her new friend while we were in the counseling session. Our relationship was not perfect and I would never claim to be a perfect husband. I should have made a strong effort to spend more time with my wife away from our daily stress, and the stress of our son’s disability took a toll on both of us. but I know that even after 19 years I told my wife that I missed her when I called her from work. I strongly believe in my vows of " for better or for worst" but it seems that it is now more socially acceptable to walk away from a marriage than to do whatever it takes to make it work. My kids are sad, but are dealing with this change as best as they can. I cannot forgive her for the pain that she is creating for my kids. I cannot understand how she can be so selfish as to not see that a decision like this has ripples that extend beyond your immediate family. now, in her own twisted logic, she wants us to tell the kids that we made a mutual decision to split up and that we should be best friends. We should go out with our kids like we would if were together, but at the end of the day we should all say goodbye and go to our perspective homes. is it me that is wrong in seeing this as "normal", or should I lie to my kids and tell them that it was a mutual decision as well as play the part time family role?
I think not. What message will I give to my 3 daughters, that it is OK to have this happen to them and to accept a cheating spouse’s terms to cover up their deceit? I think not. I’m just sorry for my kids, but the truth should not be hidden from them.
I cannot forgive a cheating spouse and I am moving on.
You’re better off without her. But there may be other aspects besides your wife leaving that are making your children sad. It’s easy to be the ‘victim’ in your situation, but ask yourself if being the ‘victim’ helps your kids become happier. It’s like losing a job. You can whine all you want about your boss who ‘let you go’ but that doesn’t put the food on the table. Don’t take this as a lecture – as I’m writing this it’s almost as if these words are something I need to heed to. I wish you the best of luck, and may God be with you and your children.
Why not have the courage to get out of the relationship before cheating? Why is it justified and accepted that because we do not receive the same love from our partners that its ok to say I was ok to cheat. Facing difficult decisions is never easy for anyone especially in relationships. But I would much rather have my partner come to me and say I’m not happy, this is not what I want and it’s done. Yes horribly painful to hear but it’s about having a level of respect for each other. I just can’t seem to understand why it’s all socially accepted. There are tons of websites out there for married/in relationship people to have "discreet" encounters. Why because there is obviously a demand for it. Just have the darn courage to face your partner and admit your troubles or issues so you can address them to save the relationship or go your separate ways. Why do we people make things so much more complex than necessary?
I’m not advocating for cheating, but cheating in and of itself does not mean that the rest of a person’s character is morally bankrupt. Look up monogamy on Google. Other countries are so much more realistic about love versus sex.
If your spouse is abusive, emotionally unsupportive, or something, most people still stay in marriages, but if a spouse cheats that’s crossing the line?
If your great friends with your spouse, and you get along really well, but your spouse wants to have sex three times a week, but you are happy having once a month or less, than should you throw the towel in and get a divorce? Should you be forced to have sex more than you want or force your spouse to go without it for longer than they want? And you can say just compromise, but if your spouse wants sex three times a week and you compromise on once a week, your still depriving the person who you say you love of their sexual desires. Is that fair? If you are turned on by things your spouse will not do in the bedroom are you supposed to go your entire life without fulfilling and enjoying that part of your sexuality? Or maybe you should just give up on what is otherwise a great relationship and get a divorce in search of the perfect match socially, emotionally, physically, sexually, economically, religiously, morally, etc. Good luck finding that.
A marriage or any long-term relationship requires a lot of hard work, compromising, communication, and commitment. However if 95% of the relationship is good, should you throw it all away if one of you is sexually unfulfilled? If there are other problems and infidelity is part of or a symptom of those problems than get out, but if sex is the only issue I don’t think I’d be so quick to throw away what is otherwise a good relationship.
Your spouse may have personal issues that led to him cheating, but if you really want to work it out you should both be going to counseling. Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum, unless he’s a sex addict, your relationship player some part in his desire to cheat. He made that choice, but going to counseling together to strengthen your communication skills and emotional bonds is only going to help. If nothing else you can better support and give feedback to the counselor on the counselor on the changes your husband is trying to make and how it’s affecting the relationship.
I hope you two are able to work things out.
I can’t trust him, he makes my skin crawl.
I also hate hate hate that this will be used as an excuse for many, making it easier to cheat because ‘I am a men and we are 50% more likely to cheat, forgive me?’ NO. You made the conscious decision to shag someone who wasn’t your partner. I have zero sympathy for cheats...as well as the people who get repeatedly cheated on by the same person. The trust will not come back, end it and give yourself some respect. /rant
I am Hindu and during our marriage ceremony, I swore that I would keep her happy and I will not hurt her by staying committed, caring, & understanding. But yesterday I kept getting thoughts about my ex gf and that triggered a desire to meet her again & I knew if I would meet her something for sure will happen between us. I for some reason typed cheating husband in Google & came to this page and read all the stories. You know what, you guys realized me that I was gonna be called what you’re calling now to your husbands or bfs (a$$hole). I realize that I can’t betray my wife who is very loyal & nice person. I can’t hurt her. I don’t want to loose her. I don’t want her to be checking this site few months down the road or writing stuff bout me.
Before I end this comment, I will tell you guys something about men. They are assholes (but not all). If they cheat upon you, they are not worth it. I would recommend them to refrain from watching porn as that’s when your mind go crazy. Also, keep reminding them how much you love them and the importance of commitment & loyalty. And may be once in a while give them some examples of your known person who cheated on his wife (or come up with a story) & how disgusting that is.
For those women who already have got betrayed, I would say don’t get married again & stay in relationship only as it’s hard to find a committed guy. Also, don’t sleep with a man until you’re damn sure he will not betray you’re trust. TEST THEM (both married & bfs).. once in a while by creating fake accounts on facebook or email address & see how they do..
However, all the Social Science, Philosophical thinking , and Historical comparisons concerning monogamy ect does not take away the fact that if you have been cheated on, it is a devastating experience. I was with my husband for 18 years, we never cheated on one another, although he did porn quite heavily which was, at the time, problematic for me... i’m a lot more laid back about these things now following much reading on the subject. I left him because i didn’t love him anymore and didn’t want to have sex with him, but i didn’t think it was fair to expect him to live with me as a friend.... It was the right decision to make, he still has my respect and friendship. Later i met someone who i adored with all my heart, and loved with a passion i’d never felt before in my life... he cheated on me... i fell apart totally... so i guess what i’m saying is, monogamy is nu-natural yes, but all the rationalization of this doesn’t neutralize the hurt and devastation one feels when you’ve been betrayed. Incidentally, i left that man and am thankful that i did so....
best wishes to all of you who have experienced problems in this area. My advice.... If you still love them try to work it out, but don’t sacrifice your self respect, or bow to anyone. If you don’t love them, run, run, run as fast as your legs will carry you.
Sorry, only meant to write a sentence!!
The continual lying and disregard for someone’s feelings is what really kills the spirit, it makes a person feel like they don’t even exist. It makes it almost impossible for them to trust someone again or have the confidence to move on with someone new.
Facing them and dealing with the relationship acknowledges that they do exist and that their feelings matter, even if the relationship is over. They will still hurt, but they will be better able to move on and be able to trust someone again someday.
the species. The working word hear though is " WAS". Given the explosion of growth
in the human population, it is a pathetic excuse for men of modern age
to use this as an excuse. And if it is natural, man might have evolved from this.
I think it more has to do with culture and sexploitation of both men and women through the
media and double standards.
Men who are born abnormal (too little vasopressin or too much testosterone) are serial cheats. They lack the ability to truly bond emotionally with one women.
Not all men crave multiple partners-just like not all men are obsessed with porn and also this whole thing about visual stimulation is bollox as well. Men have imaginations just like women do and they do not need porn. If they think they do need it there is something wrong with them GET IT?
Be very careful who you choose to go out with. Learn to spot the signs early. Stay away from any man who has regular one night stands. Stay away from any man who is obsessed with porn. There is a long list-I could go on and on but be very very wary when choosing a partner. That’s all I’ll say
Whatever the case, just dump the idiot, because chances are:
1) you will always worry about him or her cheating on you again, whether they actually do it or not
2) there are hundreds and thousands of people who are perfectly capable of maintaining a monogamous relationship, without ever cheating on you – unlike the one you have who HAS already done it.
To sum up: Always ditch the cheater.
It wasn’t planned, I was with a group of friends, and we were having a smoke and some beers, it was a good night, then we all went to bed and it just happened.
It’s the worst mistake of my life, if I could take it back I would.
I’m confused though, I told my boyfriend straight away, and he wants to stay together.
I’m not too sure, I want to be with him, because I do love him, and it’s not a regular occurrence.
But I also don’t want to be with him, cause I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have already.
I couldn’t forgive anybody if they did it to me.
I was confused as to why I let it happen, so I came on here, and some of what I read makes perfect sense, it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.
So I think it’s probably best to end it with him, although it hurts so much to imagine life without him.
I vowed that I won’t inflict that pain on anyone.
However the wheel is always turning. And this is where I’m going to get hammered.
I worknig and industry that is male dominated and difficult. The guys spend long periods of time away from home couped up in close confines with only a few of us females. I Have turned down numerous advances from married men/involved men, who have confessed that they are lonely and enjoy my company and want more. I keep my distance but stil talk to them. Rumours follow me around like a bad whiff because I’m one of the few single females here and I tend ot get along with everybody. I have never cheated
I struck a friendship with one guy in particular, we just clicked. we’re on very similar pages and tell each other anything,and I developed seriously deep feelings for him. As in I haven’t had this bond before with guy. We spoke for hours on end or just hangout and watch films in total silence. We had to keep the friendship somewhat underwraps because of the gossip nature or the compound and he’s married. He doesn’t like to talk about his wife. She’s the only thing he’s uncomfortable talking to me about it. So I avoided it and kept my deeper feelings underwraps knowing it was wrong to be thinking that way and would rather hold a friendship than risk an affair and end up severely hurt. this went on for a month of everyday contact until One evening I asked why he never spoke to me about her... and out came what I had been surpressing. He had also feelings. We both dismissed it as wrong and agreed to not to take it any further because of the potential consequences. A week later though things came to a head and we kissed adn it has just gone from there. We’ve been seeing each other for nearly 6 months now. He doesn’t wear his ring around me but recently when he has forgotten to remove it, it cuts like an knife and also in showing me pictures he inadvertantly showed me his screen saver which happens to be a collection of his marriage photos. His wife is beautiful, far more attractive than me. I can’t understand how he can have 2 of us like this. I’m so lost and hurt, but I know deep down that he wonuldn’t choose me if the choice was forced . I’m in love with him, but I don’t want to screw up his life, I’ve inadvertantly screwed mine up myself by getting involved. I’m angry at myself for letting it get this far. I know I need to end it but I’m struggling to.... I don’t know why. I need help
That is all. Thanks.
Here’s a question. When you cheat, for no real reason apart from ‘ this birds fit and she wants it’ what to you do when that special someone’s life has been shattered and that trust has gone? I love her so much and think of her everyday. Well and truly gutted. Cheating is deffinatly not the way to go. I suppose I’ve learnt that the hard way. As for right now all I can do is try and pick myself up and try to provide a good enough life for our boys, then hopefully one day she will come back. Thing is I know what it has felt like for her because I still get angry if I think of her with someone else, it actually drives me insane! I don’t want her to go anywhere, I’d like her to put energy into our family to make sure we aren’t just one of those family stats. I have come a long way emotionally I.e never said or let feelings be part of me, now I choose to be more open and say what’s on my mind instead of saying what people want to hear. Unfortunately its going to take alot more than that to satisfy her soul. Never again will I throw pure gold away for fools gold.
I had a baby, I changed... meaning I put my all into my first born... while I didn’t completely put her father on the back burner.. he feels that I just completely didn’t want to do anything he wanted to do... that’s not completely true... I cooked, cleaned, served his food, we went on a couple of dates... so talked... didn’t have sex fora while as I was sick... a while is like 5 months... he started talking to another women, noticed phone bill.. confronted him, he said he cheated emotionally ONLY. We went to counseling... I stopped that because he was still chatting with her, told me he had to clear things up with her... So, anyway... a year later... we had to make a decision to stay in house or move separate... he chose to move separate... what does that say about him? I stayed.. and tried... but the trust was just gone... physical or emotional.. cheating is cheating.. I feel for my child but I know that is the wrong reason to stay... but i didn’t end this... i was willing to try hard! We were going to church... but he says he needs his time, to find god, get strong... he lost who he is being with me and he is putting me before God... now, if anyone out there knows the bible... can you please let me know if this sounds right? To leave your family to get closer to God.. why wouldn’t you and YOUR family do this together? I just don’t know and I don’t usually get on here and write these types of things... but I googled something and this posting came up... please be fair and not mean... thanks.
People are such hypocrites. Let’s talk about commitment. Everyone talks about loyalty and not cheating. Where is your loyalty that you run out of the relationship at the first sign of a problem. As stated before. People put these grand expectations on one another and then get pissy when they other person does not live up to their standards.
I am married. I cheat. I am committed. My family comes first no matter what. My wife is not as sexual as I would want her to be, but she is a great mother, a great wife in all other aspects. Am I supposed to just leave her because in bed she doesn’t fulfill all my needs? As an individual is it fair to expect her to do everything that I want even if she doesn’t like it? Or am I just to sacrifice my sense of happiness just because my wife does not like some of the things sexually like I do? I don’t mean deviant sexual matters. I like sex 2-4 times a day. My wife is a 2x a wk type of person. What would you suggest? If I used your guys logic this is what I should do.
1. Break up with my wife because sexually she is not where I am. Forget the promise I made to take care of her and be there for her. No sex, it’s over. yeah great commitment.
2. Show how shallow I am to my children because physical needs out-way the commitment I have to my family.
3. Sacrifice myself for my family leaving a feeling of fulfillment because I "love" my spouse.
It’s nonsense and deep down inside you people know it. I take care of my wife. I take care of my kids. my wife and I go out on dates together, have a great time together. In the meanwhile, I supplement the missing aspects outside of my marriage. Guess what! My marriage is happier because I am fulfilled. I love myself enough to make me happy and that in turn allows me to transfer that happiness to my kids and wife.
He told me it was a one night stand with a girl he met in a club,friend of his cousin. He told me everything I did wrong and that she made him feel loved.
I didn’t want to end 8 years on a one night stand. One month later, we went shopping...and surprise!... his female cousin from a different city just happened to b visiting the same mall! I kept quite and polite although I couldn’t stand the thought of her being the one who introduced the two. He was so excited to hang out with her.
Lots of tears and 3 1/2 years later, I found out that he actually slept with his first cousin! ! And was considering leaving me and his three beautiful girls&one baby girl on the way- for her.
I wish I could leave but I can’t take a father away from my girls
I am currently with him and I can’t sit here and say that I am a victim, nor am I not hurt, nor do I believe in cheating. However, I believe that I have deciphered his reasons for doing so, even though he has not and it is a quite interesting theory, so here goes it.
My boyfriend, comes from a family of 5 siblings of mostly females and a mom who is the alpha. Also, his step-dad is only interested in him when he is accomplishing something great and is of no interest otherwise. When he moved to college I believe two things, he was wanting to be surrounded by that large family of females and even more so looking for someone/thing to care and accept him for who he was. However, aside from most likely a mothers love I do not think that he has experienced much of vulnerable, unconditional and emotional love. Overall point being, he uses sex to create distance from the one person he genuinely cares about and would walk through fire for, but also uses it to create a "family" because obviously women tend to attach after sexual relationships where men do not.
I am in my confused and obsessive stage, where I do not trust or understand what is real with us and what is not, but what I do understand is that he means well in the end. not well by cheating, but I am hopeful we can grow from this experience. I have learned to be clear in my expectations and commitments. I also know that I want to attend counseling together. And finally I know that I am hopeful bc I would much rather have someone who takes care of me while sick, holds me every morning with a smile, listens to anything and everything I have to say, is motivated, focused, determined, hardworking, kind, forgiving, christian, than someone who has a standing delivery for monday morning flowers charged to his credit card with a yearly bill. There has to be a somewhere in the middle.