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I secretly want to destroy my boyfriend |
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Category: Relationship Issues
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Friday, 25 July 2008 |
Here is my secret. I think I'm a little crazy when it comes to my boyfriend. See, I know I've got issues, BIG trust issues (I caught my dad cheating on my mom for the third time in their relationship, and when I told her about it, she refused to believe me. She said "I'm not about to believe anything until I see it myself." I tried to tell her that he hit us, too. He pushed me down the stairs and dragged my sister around by her hair... but she conveniently "forgot" about all those times. Wow, what a mindjob!!!)
So I developed this weirdness where the more I love a guy, the more I want him to mess up so I can kick him to the curb. And it's almost as if I WANT him to cheat or do something stupid so I can enjoy punishing him for it.
I am COMPLETELY in love with a terrific guy right now, and it's so weird and confusing. It's like I have two personalities: one personality wants desperately to be happy and love him freely. The other relishes in the thought of him messing up somehow so I can have a reason to COMPLETELY DESTROY him.
I'm very mixed up. I think I want to hurt SOMEONE because deep down I want my father to pay for all the pain he's caused us. And this poor fool who's decided to fall in love with me is my nearest target.
I used to stick needles in my fingers as a kid. I stopped doing that a long time ago, but the impulse is creeping back up on me every time I think about my situation. I'm trying hard to be okay, but it's getting tougher the closer my BF and I get to each other. |
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No longer feel loved by my husband |
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Category: Infidelity
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Thursday, 17 July 2008 |
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I have been married for almost five years now. I am cheating on my husband with the man that played music at our reception. I love my husband, but he's not the man I fell in love with. He has changed dramatically, and this man is filling the places that my husband's not. He shows so much attention towards me. He holds me, kisses me, and just makes me feel "loved." My husband doesn't do that anymore. I do believe that I've fallen in love with my lover, but I have children with my husband. Right now, I believe my children and my finances are the only reasons why I'm still here. |
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I have cheated a lot, partly due to revenge |
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Category: Infidelity
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Wednesday, 09 July 2008 |
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I have been married for 6 years now, and I've cheated on my wife with 11 different women. I cheated on her 2 months after we got married. The first time I ever cheated it made me sick to my stomach. I thought that it was what I wanted but it wasn't. After a while I found myself bored with our sex life. Sometimes I can make it good but she has so many insecurities that sex is more like an obstacle to overcome than something to enjoy with someone you love. Anyway, I found out last year that she has also cheated on me. This devastated me. All I can do now is picture her with someone else having sex, this fuels me to go on a cheating rampage. I now have sex with other women to make me feel better about what she has done. This is like therapy to me, when I start to think about what she has done, I just re-focus my thoughts on all the women I have slept with since I said "I do." |
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I prefer my husband's affair to his alcohol/drug relapse |
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Category: Relationship Issues
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Wednesday, 02 July 2008 |
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My secret is that although I am devastated by husband's affair, I am proud of him that he chose another woman rather than a drink or drug. Thank God. My other secret is that I am mortified to realize how I inadvertently became cold and indifferent toward him after weathering years of his semi-annual kamikaze binges. I just felt shell-shocked, despite his repeated attempts at recovery. He is a good man, despite his problems. My final secret is no secret. I still very much love the man, I miss him, and I hope one day, maybe years from now, I get to be his girlfriend rather than his wife! |
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My boyfriend is addicted to pregnant porn |
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Category: Relationship Issues
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Friday, 27 June 2008 |
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I've been dating my boyfriend for five years. I thought that we had a pretty open sex life. We've watched porn together before. Masturbation is not something that we hide from each other or so I thought. For awhile my boyfriend had been staying up later than me and "playing video games." He's an avid gamer so part of me really believed that this was true. I was concerned because he has insomnia and I wanted him to try to get on a regular sleep cycle. However, the other day I went to send an attachment through my email (a resume for a job) and some dirty things popped. Basically dirty names of files. I quickly realized that he had been downloading porn onto a zip drive from my computer and putting it onto his computer (his isn't connected to the internet because he's afraid it will catch a virus). This explains why my computer is basically fried. Anyway I realized he does it every day and has been doing so for a very long time. Not only that but he's been looking at things like pregnant women having sex. He even goes on the websites on nights when we've had sex 3 or more times. At first I didn't care that he was looking at porn... but I've asked him about it before and he's always denied it. Once I saw the things he was looking at I was disgusted - it was really the pregnant thing that grossed me out. He has a pregnant coworker and he's always saying that it freaks him out that there's something alive in there. Maybe he just wants to screw her too. It's making me question my entire relationship. If he's doing those kinds of things and lying about it... what else is he doing? I just can't believe he's been lying to me for so long. I just feel disgusted. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him again. Every time I look at him I'm reminded of the lying and I can just picture him jerking off to some pregnant woman. I was so mad at the time I threatened to tell his pregnant coworker and his mom about his pregnant woman fetish. I'm not saying that I think that pregnant women are gross or anything... someday I will be a pregnant lady too but to jerk off to that frequently is so disgusting to me. I really flipped out on him and I called him a freak and pervert. He didn't have anything to say to me. I was so angry I just stormed out of our apartment (we live together... about 2 years). I don't know what to do. I want to be able to work past it but when it comes down to it I don't know that I'll ever be okay being intimate with him again. I have serious body image issues and we don't have sex too frequently (it's kind of sporadic lately). Last year I was a full time student in an honors program, working part-time, finishing a thesis, field practicum (20 hours -30 hours per week) and doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning for both of us. When I came home I was exhausted. I had fourteen + hour days. I'm obsessed with my grades (3.9 overall and 4.0 in my major. He's a college dropout who worked like between 30 and 35 hours a week... it varied quite a bit… sometimes only 20. Of course I was exhausted from all the stuff I was doing. Maybe if he'd been willing to help me I'd feel more like having sex. But when you've gotten home after an 8 hr day at your practicum, followed by 4 hours straight of class and a night full of studying.... seriously who has the time? Maybe if I started taking speed??? I was exhausted. Now I feel guilty, like this is my fault because of the way I look or just being so tired. I don't know. Thanks for letting me vent. |
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