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Secrets Lovers Keep
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Category: Revenge
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Wednesday, 14 December 2005 |
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I monitor my honey's chatting practices by using a pseudonym and going into the chatroom and watching him. I know he talks to women online and on his cell but I don't tell him how sure I really am. |
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Category: Made a Mistake
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Monday, 12 December 2005 |
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I recently had a night out with some friends. There was one man there that I had never met before. I had no attraction to him what-so-ever. We all had quite a few drinks, and we all went back to one of the friends house to keep drinking after the bar. I passed out on the couch, but I remember glimpses of what happened. I had sex with the guy I had never met before. I didn't want to, but from what I remember, I didn't stop it either. I feel so guilty, like I should be put in jail for cheating on my boyfriend. I truly love him with all my heart and I don't want to hurt him. I feel like I should tell him that it happened, but at the same time, it would only hurt him to find out. I wish I didn't drink so much, then I know I wouldn't have done it. |
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Category: Made a Mistake
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Thursday, 08 December 2005 |
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My husband and I seperated 2yrs ago. I left because it was a very abusive relationship. My son was only 2wks old when he locked us out of our house. Recently my husband has been deemed fit enough to visit our son on his own without supervision - we decided to be ammicable and try to co-parent. At first he tried to get back together with me and than said he was not ready. We have been sleeping together for several months now. He has been with a girl pretty much since our seperation, who in no way compares to me at ALL. I am not trying to be mean I do not know her and am sure she is nice but, I just don't understand. I am very happy in my life right now, I don't think I even want him back. I should stop sleeping with him, I know, but it is comfortable and I am presently single and very busy. So having him around to sleep with fits into my busy life and I do not have to put up with his day to day crap like before. |
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Category: Abuse
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Monday, 05 December 2005 |
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I have seen and lived through all kinds of abuse. I witnessed my father beating my mother when I was a little girl. When I was in kindergarden, my babysitter told me about sex and she used to take me out into her shed and she showed me how to masterbate, she never touched me, but it still bothers me. When I was in first grade I used to masterbate with my stuffed animals. Then in second grade my parrents seperated and me and my little sister lived with my mom, she was always drinking and there were party's at our house almost every night. One night a drunken couple came into the room that me and my little sister shared and kicked her out of her bed and into mine so that they could have sex in it. My grandmother told my father what was going on and so he came and kidnapped us and sent us to live with his parrents all the way accross the country. While my father was away doing his job training or school or whatever, my grandfather started to molest me. I would lay on the couch with him and watch movies and he would touch me. I used to lay with him and I couldn't wait for my little sister to fall asleep because It felt good what my grandfather did to me. To this day, I still feel sick and disgusted and ashamed of that. He would touch me and eventually he raped me. I remember one night he took me out onto the couch in the dark living room and asked me what I wanted him to do to me and he gave me options, I don't remember all of what he said, but I remember that he took my silk pajama bottoms off and spread my legs and went down on me. I WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! To this day I feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sex. I can't wear satin or silk because it makes me feel sick. After two years of this sexual abuse, my father came and got me and my sister and the three of us moved to another state. I never told my father what happened, but I remember I used to crawl into bed with him at night, hoping that he would touch me like my grandfather did. He never did, but he did other things to me. He used to beat the crap out of me and seclude me from my little sister and my friends. He kept me locked up in my room except for school and the babysitters. The worst beating I ever got from him was because of something that I did when I was eight or nine years old and to this day the shame stays with me. Everyday after school, the school bus would drop me and my sister off at the babysitters. And me and the babysitters daughter who was the same age as me used to play house and kiss each other and pretend to be a husband and wife and pretend to have sex. One day her mom caught us and told my dad about it. When we got home that night he called me names and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and threw me down the stairs. Then he threw me into my room and threw the bible at me and told me to read it and repent my sins. When I was a little girl when I lived with my fathers parrents I had a friend who was in the same class as me and she used to come over and we used to play house and kiss and play with each other. I have always been very ashamed of my sexuality, I feel dirty and ugly and bad. Up until I met my husband, every sexual relationship that I had, I would feel physically ill about it afterwards and I would end up pushing the guy away. But now with my husband my sex life has been difficult for me because I still struggle with those feelings of shame. The only time I can orgasm is when I am alone when he is at work and I masterbate. It feels good when we make love most of the time, but I can't orgasm with him and it makes me sad. I fake it and lie to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want him to think that he's inadequate. Sometimes I feel like I'm being used, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I cry when my husband makes love to me, and sometimes I want to be hurt. Sometimes I just want my husband to be mean to me and rape me and beat me, I don't know why. I just feel so ashamed and unworthy. I disgust myself for how good it felt and how special I felt when my grandfather did those things to me. And when I was thirteen years old me and my younger cousin played with one another. It was a mutual thing, but because I was a couple of years older than him, I feel responsible and I'm affraid that I'm a monster just like my grandfather. I don't have sexual feelings towards children or anything...... but everyone always says that people who have been abused are twice as likely to abuse their own children. I'm so affraid to have children because of that. What if I beat them or worse? It is hard for me to enjoy sex because I always feel ashamed or ugly or used. I hate having to lie to my husband, I hate faking it, but I don't know what else to do. |
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Category: Made a Mistake
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Sunday, 27 November 2005 |
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I touched my brother in an inappropriate way when we were kids. I never even told my therapist about it and I feel horrible about it to this day. I often wonder if it would make both him and me feel better if I spoke to him about it and apologized but I am so scared of wrecking my family even though i am an adult with kids of my own. Everyone says what a wonderful mother I am but I feel like I can't be because of that. |
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