Truth About Deception

--Such a long entry, but well worth typing out--

I am a gay male and have a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 7 months. He has been nothing but caring, loyal, honest, and faithful... except for this:

I installed a server/client software on my boyfriend's laptop which lets me download any internet browsing history and view it on my laptop. I have never needed to do this until one day he secretly made an online dating account, which contains no personal info at all. I confronted him about this issue, and he admitted to making such account to "spy" on ME, since we both had our real profiles on that site. I believed him.

But ever since, I can't stop digging into his emails, and searching through his browsing history. I feel like crap every time I do, because I really should trust him... but I can't.

But back to snooping... I've been using this program to monitor what websites he goes onto for over a month now. From my observations, he logs into porn blogs to see pictures of "uncircumsized genetilia". I confronted him why he does it, and he says he "doesn't like them" but "they look interesting to look at." I feel hurt and left out, because I am circumsized. The fact that he is looking at other uncircumsized genitals makes me feel like he would rather be with someone who isn't circumcized, since it obviously seems to be his preference. I tried showing him how it makes me feel. He hasn't admitted to stop logging into these sites, so I continue drowning myself in my sadness.

He also checks Craigslist's "missed connections" and "men seeking men" personals. I confronted him about it, and he says that I would never understand, and that he only reads them for the entertainment. So, I told him how it makes me feel like he is "looking" for something, or someone, and that it makes me feel hurt. So he promises that he wouldn't do that anymore... That's when my software that I installed came in handy. A few days later, I see traces of Craigslist - and the porn blogs.

The other day, I went to take my dog out to walk for a good 20 minutes. My bf and I were also fighting at the time. When I came back into the house, he was on his laptop. I went onto mine, downloaded the data, and found out he was on Craigslist. I didn't say anything.

One time, while he was doing "business" on the toilet and left the door open, I snuck my head through the door and saw him looking at the porn blogs on his cell phone, and I also seen text that resembled that of Craigslist's missed connections. I know what I saw.

What makes me upset is that fact that he does this when I am not around. Which then makes me wonder how far would he go if I were to be gone for a long period of time. It also upsets me that he had "promised" not to do it, but he still does it. I erased the Craigslist bookmark on his phone this morning. See if he finds out.

Well, I'm not sure if anyone is willing to read this super long entry, but it sure took a lot off my chest just by typing it down. Maybe when the time is right, I'll show him this entry. But I feel really guilty that I am snooping around and worried that I might be snooping too much. But my boyfriend's internet behavior has led me to this, and I can't seem to stop... unless he stops first.

He's off work in 6 hours... I think I'll talk to him when he gets home.... Wish me luck.