Truth About Deception

I've been snooping on my boyfriend! We've been dating for almost a year. I feel terrible about it but I don't trust him. Earlier this year I found out that he picked up another woman while he was out of town. I discovered this by reading text messages from a strange number. He continued to contact her for months after their encounter. I never confronted him about it. He has also been in contact with his ex. His messages with her are way more elaborate and interesting than the ones I share with him, they have inside jokes, talk about their other friends, kid around with each other, and this goes on often. From first thing in the morning sometimes to late at night, while meanwhile I am hearing nothing from him. He claims they are just friends. But they obviously still love the attention from each other and it's almost like they're addicted to each other. They also see each other often, but he hides it from me or lies about it to me. What am I still doing with this guy???! Where has my self respect gone?

I looked at my BF text messages and he is in contact w his ex. He found out I looked and is mad at me. I didn't have the guts to ask him why he is texting her stuff like "miss me?" I'm pissed at myself for sneaking behind his back to look in his phone, but in the same note, I found suspicious texts from an ex ! He is currently not talking to me, but the more I think about this, the more i think I wasn't wrong to look because I did find out he is talking to her. We are supposedly in love, he has really never given me reason to snoop, but something inside me told me to. I don't know what to do, I deeply care for him and I thought he felt the same.? Is his reaction one of guilt??? He claims he isn't sleeping with anyone else. And as I said I didn't have guts to ask who this girl is or why is she texting him, and why he wants to know if she misses him? I should probably just end it. 

My snooping is horrible it started with me because I found him with a mobile I didn't recognize.  I went on the net and it gave me the advice to look for evidence then confront him.  I wish I never had.  It has just been horrible sneaking up during the night shaking with fear when you open the mobile and see a text wondering if he's working where and when he says he is.  I feel unable to love him now because I've come to despise myself and the person I've become.  Always suspicious even if the house phone rings thinking that's her.  That's her trying to get to me.  I'm practically paranoid thinking I'm being constantly deceived and now I'm cutting off friends because I don't want them to know my suspicions.  It has  got to stop now.

I still continue "spying" by looking at my ex's profile through a fake account and his girlfriend's even though his profile is considered private. I even found out where he lives which is with his girlfriend. Drove by their place a while back but somehow controlled myself and stopped driving over there. I am even guilty of dialing his phone number and hanging up when he answers. I know we aren't compatible with each other but damn it I can't help but think about him. He changed his number but of course I have access to his page with his new phone number but haven't called it. Funny how my so-called detective skills helped me find out where he lived by reading his girlfriend's profile.

I've been with my fiance for about 8 months now. We used to date when we were teenagers but lost touch for the next 15 years until one night when we ran into each other at a local bar and we've been together ever since, every day. Almost every waking hour together (he was unemployed). I am so in love with him and he always tells me, especially in the beginning, how I am everything he has ever wanted and he regretted hurting me when we were kids. He basically makes me believe I am the love of his life, the one he let slip away. I know that he loves me, there's no doubt about that. But recently he got a job offer working out of state for about 3 months and really did not want to take it because of the length of time he would have to be away from me and his kids from a previous relationship, but recent legal troubles forced him to take it in order to make enough money to stay out of jail. I know he had no choice but to take the job but I have a hard time trusting him. Maybe it is because of the way he left me without a word when we were younger (and he was my first love) or maybe its because we were together all the time until suddenly we never see each other and it will be a while until we see each other again. I don't know but I find myself checking his cell phone usage online. And when he tells me he is going to eat with the guys from work, my mind just goes into overdrive thinking he is out with a girl and just making up a story of why he's not in his motel room (I do not tell him I am thinking that). I don't want to be the jealous fiance/wife, but I don't want to be ignorant and look stupid if he really is messing around. I keep thinking that even though there is no hard evidence of any wrong doing on his part, then why am I having this feeling? They say to always trust your intuition, but is it intuition..... or am I just paranoid?

I found an email when my lover and I first started dating.  Her e-mail was already up on her computer and I was curious about a credit card she had in her possession with someone else's name on it.  I saw the name in her e-mail queue and it confirmed that this person got the card for her and wanted it paid off.

Around the same time she was talking to an old lover that found her via facebook. I didn't care and she told me about it immediately but she said they were like siblings. There was an e-mail from this person as well so I looked. The e-mail correspondence was about her wearing the same perfume she had been wearing for 20 years and had been given to her by this person.  She reminded them of that, it sounded like "longing" and that made me upset.

I admitted my snooping, confronted her about the perfume (but not the credit card), she apologized, said it was stupid and she stopped wearing the perfume (I didn't ask her to do that btw) and we moved on.

Fast forward: I was looking through some old photos b/c I wanted to surprise her for her birthday and I found instead buried in the picture box a receipt for a hotel in another city dated two weeks before we started dating. she always maintained that she and her ex had been platonic for nearly half a year before we got together and there had been no one else before me. Once again, I admitted my "snooping", she confessed they had been together but nothing happened. I chose to forgive the lie b/c she didn't cheat on me. We weren't together yet.

But the lies started looking like a pattern and I became paranoid. She's a very secretive person in our relationship (i.e. doesn't like to talk about childhood, has no close friends from childhood or adult life really, very mysterious life in general, etc) but appears to be very open, forthright and charismatic in public. Not quite jekyll and hyde but different enough for me to notice.

So, I looked through a bunch of her personal things and would discover facts about her past and then ask her casual questions to see if she'd lie. in some instances she did lie and now I know what she looks like when she's lying.  I know all of her "tells" and it makes me feel like crap (even though I have to admit I feel relief to know the difference).

I wish I could tell her she doesn't have to lie to me and that I know this stuff about her.  Yes, some of the things I've found upset me. She's lied about how many people she's been with or who those people have been. She's also kept stuff from relationships she had 14 years ago but gets upset if I have anything from my past, even pictures.

But some of what I've found is inconsequential stuff and I feel like a jerk when I play this game to try to catch her in a lie. I think she lies b/c she doesn't want to be judged which I can empathize with completely. but it's wearing me out trying to keep tabs on her or draw her out.

I read my wife's emails. I shouldn't have. I was suspicious about her behaviour and had to know for sure. I found out that she had been seeing another man last year, a man who was a mutual 'friend'. When I had asked her directly in the past she had said they were just friends. I felt betrayed. I had to confront her about it. I told her that my sister had found out about it. She didn't believe me. Accussed me of reading her emails. I lied. Swore black and blue that I didn't read them. I feel so guilty for reading them. She should be the one feeling guilty for seeing him and lying to me about it.

--Such a long entry, but well worth typing out--

I am a gay male and have a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 7 months. He has been nothing but caring, loyal, honest, and faithful... except for this:

I installed a server/client software on my boyfriend's laptop which lets me download any internet browsing history and view it on my laptop. I have never needed to do this until one day he secretly made an online dating account, which contains no personal info at all. I confronted him about this issue, and he admitted to making such account to "spy" on ME, since we both had our real profiles on that site. I believed him.

But ever since, I can't stop digging into his emails, and searching through his browsing history. I feel like crap every time I do, because I really should trust him... but I can't.

But back to snooping... I've been using this program to monitor what websites he goes onto for over a month now. From my observations, he logs into porn blogs to see pictures of "uncircumsized genetilia". I confronted him why he does it, and he says he "doesn't like them" but "they look interesting to look at." I feel hurt and left out, because I am circumsized. The fact that he is looking at other uncircumsized genitals makes me feel like he would rather be with someone who isn't circumcized, since it obviously seems to be his preference. I tried showing him how it makes me feel. He hasn't admitted to stop logging into these sites, so I continue drowning myself in my sadness.

He also checks Craigslist's "missed connections" and "men seeking men" personals. I confronted him about it, and he says that I would never understand, and that he only reads them for the entertainment. So, I told him how it makes me feel like he is "looking" for something, or someone, and that it makes me feel hurt. So he promises that he wouldn't do that anymore... That's when my software that I installed came in handy. A few days later, I see traces of Craigslist - and the porn blogs.

The other day, I went to take my dog out to walk for a good 20 minutes. My bf and I were also fighting at the time. When I came back into the house, he was on his laptop. I went onto mine, downloaded the data, and found out he was on Craigslist. I didn't say anything.

One time, while he was doing "business" on the toilet and left the door open, I snuck my head through the door and saw him looking at the porn blogs on his cell phone, and I also seen text that resembled that of Craigslist's missed connections. I know what I saw.

What makes me upset is that fact that he does this when I am not around. Which then makes me wonder how far would he go if I were to be gone for a long period of time. It also upsets me that he had "promised" not to do it, but he still does it. I erased the Craigslist bookmark on his phone this morning. See if he finds out.

Well, I'm not sure if anyone is willing to read this super long entry, but it sure took a lot off my chest just by typing it down. Maybe when the time is right, I'll show him this entry. But I feel really guilty that I am snooping around and worried that I might be snooping too much. But my boyfriend's internet behavior has led me to this, and I can't seem to stop... unless he stops first.

He's off work in 6 hours... I think I'll talk to him when he gets home.... Wish me luck.