Truth About Deception

I'm in a relationship that really seems to be falling apart. I am typically one who has a real hard time feeling vulnerable and telling my feelings to someone that's close to me. My girlfriend is very strong willed and outspoken, like my mother. She knows I was abused a great deal when I was little, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have done things for her or said things that I know would make her happy and pleased, just like I did for my mom. I hate myself sometimes for that. I feel my girlfriend is abusive in some ways by discounting my feelings and thoughts, which makes it even harder to open up. I feel resentful toward her and I tend to channel my anger toward her through my tone and not allowing her opinions to be fully expressed. I'm currently in therapy, mainly to try and regain my autonomy, to say what I think and own it with no expectations. I know I'm being selfish a lot of times when I want her to change but not addressing the changes needed in me. The changes I'm seeing that need to be made are to get out of the relationship altogether. I'm sad right now, and don't know what to do. I'm currently out of work, I quit my job to get ready to go to college in a couple of weeks. Since I've been home alone I've been experimenting with nudism in my back yard, walking around the safer places outside of my house naked, enjoying the sun and eventually masturbating in the woods. Secretly I want to get caught and have fantasies of the neighbor coming over and doing me. Since I was a child when I learned out to masturbate I did it to relieve the stress I was feeling being at home. I know that's what I'm using it for. I feel anger too and some self satisfaction when I'm doing it, like I'm getting back at my girlfriend. I even did it next to her in bed while she was sleeping. I'm angry, sad, scared, and it's not working for me anymore. We are both too bullheaded and we don't get along well anymore at all. She asked me 3 nights ago why I was pushing her away. I told her I was mad at her, she discounts my feelings, doesn't really listen and I think she's a callous bitch. Then I said I'm afraid to open up to her. I apologized for the name calling the next day, but since then, she's also been completely shut off from me. I believe she's hurt too. I have not been the best boyfriend by any means, but I'm afraid of losing any sense of self I have if I continue to follow her directions. I have difficulty making decisions without thinking what she would think about it, whether she would be happy with it or not. I don't know what to do right now. I want to let her have her feelings and when she is ready to come to me. I can't apologize for being true to myself though, either. I'm afraid of being alone. I don't think I will be though, deep down.