Truth About Deception

Before I fell in love with my current boyfriend--we were not dating--I had sex with someone who I did not care about. It was when I lost my virginity. I told him a different story about losing my virginity, so I wouldn't reveal my great mistake.  Also, I often think of my mistake as rape.  It was stupid -- meaningless and I feel like I was pushed into it.  Of course, I am not ignoring the choices I made, but it also adds to my hesitation and embarrassment.  Also, my boyfriend does not know how much my father dislikes him.

I have only been married a short while but I am beginning to dislike several things about him already. He is very sarcastic and rude. I have already though of ways to kill him... but he is not worth hell or prison. He is on numerous porn adult sites and lists himself as divorced or single... he is neither... he is married. He walks off in front of me and in general is rude each day. He ignores me when I talk with him. The only time he is nice is if he is horny. I am trying to think of the good things... but it is not getting any easier to do. I wish I could met a man who I would really enjoy and who would show me what being good to a woman is like.  I don't want to only have sex with him... I just want to be in good company.

My husband says that I am secretive and that he wants a listing of all of the things that I have never been truthful about. I do keep secrets.  I keep the secrets of other people. I don't always tell completely where I have gone and who I see when I am gone. Suffice it to say that I never have and never will cheat on anyone whether or not I am married to that person. My secret shame is that 12 years ago I had an abortion what more needs to be said about the damage that has done to my psyche. I cannot and will not put that into words for him to see and maybe even use against me. I love my husband. But I do not think it is fair that he would be asking me to lay bare a life that has been FILLED with hardship and pain the kinds of things that no one ever wants to remember let alone rehash over and over again plus to put it into writing with my name on it. So my secret life is one of anger and pain. Rejection and an unwillingness to undergo more of the same now that I have gotten through the worst of it. My husband is an emotionally abusive person. He seeks to control all around him with his deeds, words and thoughts. I am my own person and I have a right to my own personal thoughts that are separate from anyone else. If I say that I went somewhere and saw a friend for lunch why should I have to list in detail each and every moment of my time with that person. And just because I don't list every single conversation with in that lunch does that make me secretive? I don't think so, I don't think so at all.

I am a newlywed and we finally decided to get married after many years of dating. Through our relationship, we've had many ups and downs (mostly about anger and jealousy from him and insecurity and mistrust from me). We've tried to move on though each issue that arises and usually we end up arguing for awhile and then the problem get resolved one way or another. Things were going great for a few years. We thought that all of the little petty problems were over. We came back from our honeymoon and I looked at his computer for wedding pictures posted online. Instead, I found a contact of a ex-girlfriend on his page. This is the one girl that he had put between us in the past. This is the one girl that he can bring up to create insecurity in me at its worst. I fought with myself back and forth about confronting him. I tried talking to him first about articles that I've read online about connecting with past loves and exs destroy marriages. He assured me that there was nothing on his site that would upset me at all. In fact, I could look if I wanted to. I took more time to decide that one. He even listed the people that were on the site for me. The next morning, I asked to look in his computer. He became angry and began signing online, checking mail, and then turned his computer around as if he was annoying doing something else. Then he tossed the computer my way and said that I have issues and this was unbalanced. After all of his clicking, I had to confront him. I said, "I know that you want me to believe that I'm crazy but I know that I'm not". "I know that you deleted something just now, do you want her name?". He admits no responsibility and accountability. He actually had something to say that I looked at his computer without permission. Just last night all he had to say was how much this marriage means, and how we need to trust each other completely. I'm sorry but this seems counter intuitive. I certainly do not trust him any more than I did before. If trust is what he wants? Why deceive me?

I have been unhappy with my husband of 16 years for the last 10 of them. I have tried to leave, but he places guilt on me that is tremendous. I even tried moving over 1000 miles away and he used the kids to get me to come back. I came back, but frankly, I am in love with another man.

He is a good person, and I don't want to hurt him, but I can't stand it here, but can't seem to break it off.

I had an abortion and no one knows. Several years ago I was 35 in a bad relationship with two kids who were in jr high from a previous marriage. I hated my boyfriend and when I found out I was pregnant I immediately had an abortion..did not tell him - did not tell anyone at all. I scheduled it for the next week when he would be out of town and no questions asked. To this day no one knows. I was in a good job, good insurance, stable job, house, but I just didn't want to go through the whole pregnancy, diapers, daycare again.  Maybe I was selfish but I just didn't want to do it. My hopefully soon to be ex has never found out about the abortion and as he is an abusive jerk I will never tell him.

I knew about my husband's addiction before I ever confronted him. I knew exactly what sites he had visited and how long after our honeymoon he started. Somehow, I recognize that I wanted the upper hand in the relationship because I had fallen in love with him and felt so weak. I knew all the wrongs in the relationships, what would happen, how I would react... I knew myself quite well. I still love him still.

I'm in a relationship that really seems to be falling apart. I am typically one who has a real hard time feeling vulnerable and telling my feelings to someone that's close to me. My girlfriend is very strong willed and outspoken, like my mother. She knows I was abused a great deal when I was little, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have done things for her or said things that I know would make her happy and pleased, just like I did for my mom. I hate myself sometimes for that. I feel my girlfriend is abusive in some ways by discounting my feelings and thoughts, which makes it even harder to open up. I feel resentful toward her and I tend to channel my anger toward her through my tone and not allowing her opinions to be fully expressed. I'm currently in therapy, mainly to try and regain my autonomy, to say what I think and own it with no expectations. I know I'm being selfish a lot of times when I want her to change but not addressing the changes needed in me. The changes I'm seeing that need to be made are to get out of the relationship altogether. I'm sad right now, and don't know what to do. I'm currently out of work, I quit my job to get ready to go to college in a couple of weeks. Since I've been home alone I've been experimenting with nudism in my back yard, walking around the safer places outside of my house naked, enjoying the sun and eventually masturbating in the woods. Secretly I want to get caught and have fantasies of the neighbor coming over and doing me. Since I was a child when I learned out to masturbate I did it to relieve the stress I was feeling being at home. I know that's what I'm using it for. I feel anger too and some self satisfaction when I'm doing it, like I'm getting back at my girlfriend. I even did it next to her in bed while she was sleeping. I'm angry, sad, scared, and it's not working for me anymore. We are both too bullheaded and we don't get along well anymore at all. She asked me 3 nights ago why I was pushing her away. I told her I was mad at her, she discounts my feelings, doesn't really listen and I think she's a callous bitch. Then I said I'm afraid to open up to her. I apologized for the name calling the next day, but since then, she's also been completely shut off from me. I believe she's hurt too. I have not been the best boyfriend by any means, but I'm afraid of losing any sense of self I have if I continue to follow her directions. I have difficulty making decisions without thinking what she would think about it, whether she would be happy with it or not. I don't know what to do right now. I want to let her have her feelings and when she is ready to come to me. I can't apologize for being true to myself though, either. I'm afraid of being alone. I don't think I will be though, deep down.

There's something eating at my relationship, and I can't help but be afraid eventually this is going to be too much to handle... My boyfriend is still best friends with his first lover. While I know that he's over her and completely faithful, I also know that she is in no way over him. It's fairly apparent to most people--she isn't very subtle about it, if she's trying to be--but my boyfriend just hasn't been able to see it. They spend a lot of time together, more than I spend with him, and I can't help but feel like we're competing for his attentions, constantly. The two of them have known each other for years, and there's such a history there that she seems to come up in every conversation... It's frustrating, so incredibly frustrating. Recently, she and I have been in an unrelated conflict, and he won't take a side... I know that he's just trying not to lose a friendship/relationship, but I hate the fact that he can't back me up. On some level, I feel like I can't ever be the one who's most important to him, and no matter how much we discuss this, nothing ever changes... I'm so jealous, and I hate it, but I can't help but feel angry....