I find myself lying a lot.
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Thursday, 01 October 2009 |
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It all started in primary school. Where I even used to lie about how I got hurt after falling down from a tree. I was afraid that my mom would scold me for climbing a tree so I told her that I got pushed instead. Ever since, I have been lying. Even to my parents, and to my boyfriend. I lied to my parents that I had a boyfriend, cause I know that they would never allow me to have one. I have been doing that for 6 years. I know its selfish, but its mainly because I cant stop lying.
I looked up in the net and realized its called being a compulsive liar. I don't lie to hurt others, I lie cause I don't want to get caught. I lied because the truth is so much harder to handle , even though I know that once I tell the truth, I will feel relived. But lying was so much easier, cause that way, no matter how hard the truth was, no one would know, and it was better off that way. I lied about my past relationships to my current boyfriend and made him believe that I was this perfect girl who hadn't been with someone else.
I was hesitant to tell the truth for the reason that I never wanted anyone to know about my past. Its just so hard to tell the truth, but I am getting help and I really want to overcome this crazy obsession of lying. I don't intend to hurt anyone with my lies, I guess its for my own selfish reasons of keeping the truth.
-Girl next door |
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My fear of telling the truth leads to my lying |
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Tuesday, 14 October 2008 |
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I lie a lot. The root of my lies - the lies I often tell my spouse (he seems self righteous) stem from my fear of him being angry or judgmental. I often don't tell him the truth because I fear he will bring what I say back up in the future. This is not just with my husband, but in my past I have done the same to other people due to the same fear - the fear of people being angry or vindictive when I actually tell the truth. I want to be myself, but sometimes it feels like I lie compulsively to protect me from harm. The fear I have that makes me lie has also leaked into many other areas of my life. I just don't know how to solve this problem. |
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Thursday, 25 September 2008 |
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I have started lying to my new friends. I have a bit of a lying problem. I lie to make myself look better or to gain sympathy. Things like that. Anyway, I have recently made quite a few new friends through a new job and I have started to lie to them. Some think I am a total badass while others think I am sweet shy really nice person. Recently, I have told a big lie to one of them. A guy that I sorta like - I told him that I had been abused by an ex-boyfriend which is a total lie. I'm just starting to feel really frustrated with myself because I've told different lies to everybody and its all going to backfire sooner or later because I can hardly remember who I am suppose to be when I see someone. And if I see two people at once, and the lies I have told them conflict with one another, then I am totally screwed. I really need to stop this!!! |
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Hiding my past life of lies from my boyfriend |
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Wednesday, 21 May 2008 |
I never told my boyfriend (of one year) a lot of the awful things I've done in my past. I am such a different person now, but I used to lie all the time. He doesn't know that. He doesn't know that lying was like second nature to me.
He also doesn't know that I used to hurt myself.
It's just that these things seem like they came from some other person. I've distanced myself so much from it.
I just don't know if it's wrong of me not to tell him about my past or keep it to myself. I feel so guilty for the things I've done. And I just wonder if maybe it would be better to start over with someone that knew everything about me and who I used to be. But I just love him so much. I just wish I had been straightforward with him from the beginning. |
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Monday, 17 March 2008 |
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My whole life has been based on lies - building a facade of someone who appears normal on the outside when there was a totally different person on the inside. I was constantly lonely, fearful, experiencing post traumatic stress and had anxiety and abandonment issues from an early age. I turned to pornography and masturbation as a way to self medicate - that was the inside. On the outside I became very social, fun, outgoing, well-traveled and what some would deem successful. It came that several serious relationships ended because of my inability to be truthful in the relationships and truthful with myself. A clear pattern was emerging and I feel if I have any hope of breaking this pattern I have to become truthful about my addiction to sex and love. I've found a twelve step program for sex and love addicted people like myself where I can be truthful and real about what's going on. I hope that becoming truthful and honest in this arena will carry out into all other areas of my life. I do feel there is hope. The lying is the symptom of a larger issue which I feel is fear. Once those issues of fear go away there should be no reason to lie - correct? I want to lose the fear so that I can get on and start living the life I was meant to live. |
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I have built a life of lies |
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Tuesday, 19 February 2008 |
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I've been lying so long sometimes I confuse my actual history with the lies I've told. I wonder if some of my memories are simply vivid fictions that I've told so often they've fooled my mind into believing their veracity. My grandest lie centers around my falsifying my age. Once you tell this lie, it's hard to controvert it later. I feel like I can't have any meaningful relationships with significant others or even friends because I can't truly be myself, if there is such a thing after all these years of artifice. I fear that I've buried whatever chance I had of finding contentment in being myself too far into the proverbial ground; so that even if I revealed my deceptions I still wouldn't be able to find happiness and/or my true self. I'm too afraid to tell my friends my true identity. Will I ever have the courage to be myself? How do I move on in life without coming clean? I don't think I can. |
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I hide what I do online from my girlfriend |
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Wednesday, 28 November 2007 |
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My secret - I spend a lot of time each day on XXX sites without my girlfriend knowing. I can't stop and I can't tell her. She can NEVER find out or our relationship will be over. |
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I lie so she will believe me |
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Monday, 02 April 2007 |
Sometimes I lie just because if the true answer is too simple, such as "I missed your phone call because I was sleeping in late." she wouldn't believe it so it's better to say, "I missed your phone call because my cat ran out the front door and I had to look for it for an hour."
The sad part is that then I'll "follow up" my lie by, for example, just metnioning "Oh I'm SO glad the cat wasn't lost" later in the day if we see another random cat. Or two days later call and be like, "I just got this wierd feeling. Can you see that the front door is closed all the way? I just got this wierd feeling about the cat."
See, otherwise she'd think I was lying. I mean the truth was that I was sleeping in late but that's too easy, she'd think I was sleeping with someone else. So I have to make up the stuff about the cat. This is really pathetic. |
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Sunday, 11 March 2007 |
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I'm a compulsive liar. I can admit this now... After losing the most amazing person in my life, I'm ready to change. But I don't know how. My lying has got to the point that I don't even trust myself... I don't believe anything I say or think. I need help and I realize this. My secret is: I'm feed up with myself. |
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Wednesday, 26 April 2006 |
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I've lied about so much stuff and its gotten to the point where I'm sick of it. I've been reading about lying for about 40 minutes now and I want to stop immediately. But, I don't knoow how to do it. I don't know how to tell my friends and boyfriend the truth. It's so hard because I've been living a lie - like I have this super rich dad who lives in Florida and I hate it. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get it all out. I'm going to start today! I'm going do to whatever I need to do to stop lying for ONCE AND FOR ALL! |
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