Comments for Understand Manipulative Husband at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com , comment 1 to 11 out of 11 comments http://www.truthaboutdeception.com Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:15:49 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1539 My husband did the same thing. I now believe that he is a narcissist and addict. He was never able to show affection or love. He is marrying the woman he left me for and blames me for everything. He too went back and forth . Now he tries to use the kids against me. He is often nasty when I have to talk with him. I cannot believe I was with that man for 25 years. The closure you will get is in realizing that you married a man with a character dis-order. He will never change and he was never the man you thought he was or believed he could be. Closure is accepting this. It was never about you it was always about him. Normal people do not solve their problems with lies and deceptions. - Lila Thu, 07 Aug 2008 20:42:37 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1346 Yes! I'm not the crazy one my Ex claims that I am, I was getting worried! We have been divorced for a year, and his New girlfriend ( of 6 months) has "issues" with me. She is jealous, and insecure about everything, and though he and I got along,and were able to communicate really well before she came along, she has separated me from the picture entirely, my ex in-laws are even tense around me, when we were always close. My daughter too feels that this woman has disrupted the family, and friendships. I mean I understand her concerns, and feelings, don't get me wrong, I too would worry a little. I don't feel there was any need to hurt and disrespect me because he wanted to impress her. He has hurt our daughter as well, but she has only ever wanted her father to focus solely on her, and so she has made it clear to him that if they spend time together it will be w/ out the new GF. I have tried to relate my hurt to him, because he tells me that I am the one who is being difficult and our daughter's choice of how she spends time w/ her father is my fault, she's 17. I know I am and can be stubborn and difficult, and sometimes I feel very ashamed of it. She, the GF did some really nasty things to me, and now wants to be friends and I am refusing. He tells me that he loves me all the time, and that he misses me. He makes it out like he doesn't really care for her as much as he says, and leads me to believe that he wants to reconcile, Then he "slaps" me back into reality with ("Well I want to be with her, not you! This is really hard for me, to separate how I feel about the 2 of you, and that is why she gets so upset") But then she lashes out at me for it. I have asked her to please never contact me again after the last episode, and I got more crap for it. ("why can't you just forget the past and what she has done, she reached out to you and you rejected her!") What? okay, um.. I don't think I need to have a relationship with her, do I? Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a vicious loop with him, and he is trying to get my approval, though he says he isn't. And there are times when I call him, begging him to just please let me go. I need to move on, like he did, I need to not cry whenever I think of a happy memory that I can never share with the person I had them with, and feel ashamed of having because SHE will get upset. I have been trying to heal, but he ropes me back in, I asked him for closure, he said he didn't know how to give it to me. It has been very stressful, and hard. But, I am learning how to be ME without HIM, I am getting out there and doing things that make ME happy, and one day I hope I will heal. Thanks for letting me know I am not going MAD! ;D - Melia Thu, 01 May 2008 17:44:43 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1296 Reading all of this, it all sounds like my own life. But I am still married to him. He has been out and then manipulates his way back in, usually using the kids. The kids make it so hard to break away. They are desperate for his attention. He gives it only when he feels like it. It is painful to see this. I know he is miserable, yet refuses to seek or accept help. I guess it is the alcohol. It is just so hard to navigate your way out. I feel the guilt for the kids, etc. And I do not understand him. How drinking and friends can be more important than your 2 kids. I know I cannot change him. It hurts to think about how someone you have given so much to can be so self-absorbed. None of it makes any sense. - miserable Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:55:22 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1185 WOW! I feel like you are reading my life.... I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years legally. At 8.5 years after I paid and supported him to get a degree and certification he left me. Looking back there were so many lies and so many manipulations. I hurt because I truly loved him, even as an alcoholic. He said he never loved me. He is with another woman now and I continue to be the bag of trash he threw away. He is an unreliable father. The kids never come first as he said they would. It is his schedule, his girl and his life. I am content raising the kids practically by myself. I have learned that right now it is my role to be the best mother I can be. Manipulation, lying, alcoholism rocked me to my core. So did divorce. I take one step at a time, one day at a time. I have to. I know he was not in God's plan for me. I recommend keeping a journal about your feelings and his tangible behaviors. Divorce destroys dreams I had. He never understood marriage as a commitment (his dad was married 5 times and mom, 2). He grew up if you didn't like marriage you can get out of it. Amazing..... - irishmcg Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:27:44 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1181 Wow, I thought only this kind of stuff could happen to me. My youngest daughter is getting married and my cheating ex-husband, never-been-there-for-our-two-daughters father, thinks he should walk her down the aisle to impress his new girlfriend (5th fiance) still married to his 4th wife. God forbid he look like a bad father. Does this make any sense? Plus, all his failing marriages are his ex-wives fault..go figure. That really gets me mad, but my daughters would rather take the crumbs he throws their way just in case one day he might change. Definitely another issue. Am I bitter, I guess so. I hurt more for my daughters because of their father's neglect. His close friends didn't even know he had two older daughters. Ghee whiz! - written by Gonzalez, February Mon, 18 Feb 2008 17:57:25 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-1004 It is hard to believe that so many people have went through everything I did also. I had such terrible time with it because I am 51 and he fell for the gal down the road from us and there is 13 years different in age. He appeared to be such a wonderful true believer in the marriage and I thought I found my soulmate and the perfect man. It just hurts so much to know that you were so wrong and believed so strongly in someone that never existed. Also his family turned on me also and we too were so close. It is so much worse than a death. - MacNaughton Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:22:49 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-803 I understand. I'm just going through something similar, only I have a five year old daughter involved. My ex married the woman he was having an affair with 7 months after our divorce was final. It's hard not to wonder why? why? WHY? No matter what he says, you and your children didn't deserve the pain he put you through. He gave me the same lines (basically - it was all my fault, I didn't make him happy, etc, etc. He left me holding the bag financially and emotionally with our child. He now tries to manipulate her and accuses me of everything he can. It's so tough. My heart goes out to you, and is right there with you. It's "easier said than done" finding what makes you happy, when you spent so much time trying to make someone else happy... - Hurricane Katrina Tue, 19 Jun 2007 14:06:38 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-801 I can relate to the betrayed one in the relationship. I always wondered how and why he could do the things that he did to me also. It never made sense to me. It still doesn't. I learned though that part is true about how some people approach relationships as a "game" He was one of those and I was sincere. I gave my whole heart and trusted him with it. If he only knew how much that was supposed to mean to him. I thought it meant something, but he was good at reading me and knew what I wanted to hear or actually what I thought he felt. He is still the self centered, manipulative, heart shattering monster he has always been. I thought if he looked good he must be good but then again I was 17 what else do you look for at that age? He begged to marry me and take care of me and took my virginity (oh yeah I had to go there.) I gave him the best years of my life and three beautiful children and have never been respected or treated with any kind of compassion or love from that man and never will. His mind might well be hollow inside because he is. And all I got was 10 years of growing up real fast - learning what this world is really like. He left us in a motel room and never looked back. - LCfrosty Tue, 19 Jun 2007 02:16:52 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-655 What helped me was to get involved with different groups like al-anon, AA, etc. I also read endless books on affairs, it help me understand my situation better and how I dealt with different issues. Thankful... - understanding Fri, 16 Mar 2007 09:40:40 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-632 I would just like to thank you for this site. It has assisted me very much in trying to understand some of the difficult paradox's of some very challenging human behaviors and feelings. I appreciate as well, having a place where my voice (and others) can be heard. Someone once said something like: "People will not be remembered for what they did or for their life accomplishments, what people will remember the most is how you make them feel." This particular behavior of "deception" (especially in relationships) can be so damaging to all or any parties involved. Perhaps in talking about such a subject will erase the "taboo" and open a path to truth rather than lies. I appreciate too, hearing others comment back - thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and for sharing your insight. This has all helped "me" get through (a bit further) my own difficulties. So, "Thank-you" ;) - abby Sun, 04 Mar 2007 23:13:10 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/understand_manipulative_husband.html#comment-627 Check the narcissistic disorder known as [NPD] many of my answers were found there it is Sam Vakin has a web page about this disorder and why this disorder has many clues to explain the behavior and why it is hard to pinpoint [NPD] actually it will give you some compassion for them highly unlikely they can be cured {been there lived that} - Ginny Sat, 03 Mar 2007 13:35:28 +0100