Comments for Leave Cheating Husband at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com , comment 1 to 4 out of 4 comments http://www.truthaboutdeception.com Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:44:39 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/leave_cheating_husband.html#comment-1797 Interesting stories. My husband and I have been together for 25 years. Happy family, children and great sex life. Over the years we have had discussions about past lives, it just seemed sexy. I have fantasy about having an affair with the UPS man, and he plays into my fantasy. I have just found out that he has been with a few men before we got together and really liked it, it seemed very sexy to him. My fantasy makes him happy,he always talks about catching us and being part of it. In a conversation the other night he now talks about getting together with a man and having a relationship. I think I can go for it if it includes me, what do you think about a threesome, I really don't care if they have gay sex, and then have safe clean sex with me....it sounds kind of good. Am I crazy? - lois Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:00:39 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/leave_cheating_husband.html#comment-1329 I have just read your letter. What an eye opener. I have known for some time now my husband is gay. I am afraid to be alone. I have been with him for 30 year. I don't know if I could afford not to live alone that is why I stay now, before it was because of the kids. I know one thing this is not how I wanted to live my life. - meto Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:53:40 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/leave_cheating_husband.html#comment-1120 I would say that the sex with men is a red flag for sure and not something that will change, period. Also, dig deeper though his kind, caring persona and how can that square with his actions. I have just discovered a similar thing about my 27 year relationship. My conclusion is my husband has always led a double life and when not active elsewhere was shut down and miserable. I have reviewed many many instances in the past where I should have, and sometimes did twig to things not adding up, or sounding strange, but always excused him, accepted that he was preoccupied with "business", was working so hard etc. etc. I broke with him last year, but then got reeled back in when he worked really hard at it. Only to catch him now, and discover his active interest in sex with anyone or thing, but especially men. Now all the time spent, innocently I thought, around carpenters, tradesmen, cowboys, horse trainers,mechanics, just out of the house and with the MEN generally takes on new meaning. The very rare but special close friendships with other men, one of whom it turns out is at least bi and probably gay. Why did he bother getting me back? Because I made a good prop. Because with me he built a hologram of a respectable family man, great wife, great kids, great home. It gave him the appearance of stability and was invaluable in many ways. Plus of course I was the cook, nurturer, mother, homemaker and safe bet sex partner willing to do things his way. In short - [b]Rent a Wife[/b] So look back carefully and re-appraise his acts of kindness, was it guilt, did he keep you where he wanted you by being just nice enough for you to feel terrible about thoughts of leaving him. Despite many years of being abandoned emotionally and being terribly lonely within my marriage, not to mention all the ridiculous ups and downs my husband manufactured,(which I now see as crisis making to deflect attention from whatever else was going on, or just simple attention getting, (ie., nobody can fix this problem but me, and if I don't fix it we are all doomed, ruined, etc) despite this roller coaster life masquerading as normal to all outsiders, despite the extreme isolation, despite knowingly living a lie to protect his ego, I didn't leave because a) he made sure I had no options or resources B) I kept saying that deep down he really loves me, and deep down he is a decent guy. How can I morally leave someone decent, who loves me and is the father of my beautiful children. I am now convinced that he never loved me and likely secretly hates women in general. I can now see also that he enjoyed the GAME of deception. It was entertaining for him, and gave him satisfaction to get away with. Have your cake and eat it too. So no... can a 20 yr cheater be believed, absolutely not. Share with the grown children? Why keep his secrets for him at your emotional expense. Perhaps these grown kids have their own stories and would be grateful for some honesty and perhaps better clarity on their own experiences with this person. Wants desperately to stay married? Desperately wants to keep his public and perhaps personal false image of himself, too cowardly to live an honest life in keeping with his orientation and sexual needs. Knows that staying in the marriage helps save him from himself. I did for richer or poorer, I did through sickness and health, after discovering that my man is a sociopath, compulsive lier, and at least bi if not gay, I have decided that I do not owe this man till death do us part. He has already done all he can to keep me in a dead place for 27 years. Good luck to you, remember to practice love and gratitude for all your strengths and all your real relationships. Teach yourself to put your need to heal first for a while. He does not deserve your empathy. - hoochie Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:41:54 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/infidelity/leave_cheating_husband.html#comment-187 I just discovered that my husband of 34 yrs has been cheating for 20 years with multiple partners: men and women and with couples. By every means we have had a "great" marriage and b/c he was not looking for a relationship and just sex, he felt he was not cheating... imagine! I am SHOCKED and crushed to find that my husband, who has always been kind, caring, dependable and trustworthy... a true upstanding family man... could lie and cheat and be so deceitful. When I caught him (via an email he wrote to a couple), he gradually told me everything (internet swingers sites, the many sexual encounters, PO box he opened and answered my weeks of specific questions). It is so difficult to get support b/c of the many things he has done for 20 years. He wants to work it out and stay married. I tried to understand his "addictions" (he tried to stop many times he said and couldn't) and I thought b/c he has had multiple sexual encounters with men, that maybe he is gay... and I would support him through this. He says he is not, just wanted more sex and no commitment... that we was never looking to replace me. We spoke to an online sex addiction counselor who was not as helpful as I was hoping (he thinks my husband is homosexual and won't admit it). We have been through so much and I have read books and articles with my husband... he has appreciated all of my support. I am frustrated that he cannot provide more reasons as to how he could do this to me and our marriage while in a "great, happy marriage with great sex" (his definition). He says repeatedly, that all he wanted more sex with others. The last 2 weeks (I have known for 6 weeks), have been devastating for me b/c I am finally focusing on me rather than him. I am now angry and still very shocked by this person whom I have known and loved and trusted for 35 years... my heart is burning and I am having difficulty leading a normal life at work... the sadness bad, the deceit is devastating. I feel like I am living a lie b/c no one knows but us. We are ready to tell our adult children. Has anyone been through anything like this? How much do you share with the children? Can a 20-yr liar and cheater be believed that he wants desperately to stay married and will never cheat again? He seems remorseful and says that NOW he understands what he did and he did not then. God this is tough. Thanks to all. - reneenicole Sat, 23 Sep 2006 03:06:36 +0100