Comments for Boyfriend online chat at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com , comment 1 to 17 out of 17 comments http://www.truthaboutdeception.com Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:43:09 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1728 Wow kinda thought I was the only one lol glad to hear I'm not. anyways I have been dating this guy for a little over a year now and he's cheated on me a few times and most I have caught him in. He's to busy now cuz he works so hes started looking online at girls. He would print out the conversations and sometimes I'd read them on the down low. They really hurt especially one where he asked a girl to be his sub, I had never knew he had a fantasy to be a master before and he even yelled at me cuz I'd never performed it. so I did let him do whatever he wanted he took me for a walk like a dog in the hall of are apartments yes people could see he peed on me even spit in my mouth and made me swallow it that's not all but still not good enough. Anyways back to those sites, it hurt he became addictive to them staying on them from the time he woke up till sometimes 4 am the next morning. I would cry and he would ask me not to be jealous said guys don't like jealous girlfriends, so I would lay there and try to deal with it then he all of a sudden had become uncomfortable with me being in the room like I was ruining his concentration so he would ask me to go sit in the bathroom till he was done. 30 min later he would ask me to come out and he would kiss all over me says he's sorry and I would push him away. - jessica gibboney Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:36:18 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1643 Hi all. Just wanted to share a man's side of the dynamic here. Everything that's been written about here I have done. I have cheated on my wife (she has not found out... yet), I have been on dating websites (she has found out about that), I have been in contact with my ex (wife found out about that but I lied about the situation so that she didn't think I was contacting her), and I have been caught out in other lies. To be honest I don't know why I do any of these things. I'm smart intelligent and able to see right and wrong in almost any walk of life. Yet when I apply that standard to myself I fail to uphold the law! After I have slept with another woman I feel empty and guilty and yet after a few months I go back and do it again. The lust gets in me and its uncontrollable. Sex with my wife (whilst its loving and emotional) isn't all that despite me trying my best to spice things up. She wants to try new things in the bedroom but shes too self-conscious and shes always too tense. No matter how much time I've spent trying to relax her and just be sensual. We have never done anything apart missionary and even then her legs wont be on the outside! Still it's not her fault. The blame rests with me! I should be in control. As for the lying - after being caught out in a lie last month I've been searching for a way to make amends. I can't bear to loose her though I know in my heart I deserve to. I know I'm being selfish and I want to change my ways. I've signed up for some therapy. I really want this therapy to work. I used to worry about the stigma attached to being divorced and how I would be viewed by friends and family if the whole truth came out. Now I'm more upset about losing my wife. For the past few weeks we have been strangers in bed and I miss holding her so much it's killing me. And still I have no one to blame but myself. The whole point of this comment isn't to defend men but to add another dimension to people's thoughts. Not everyone has the same definition of truth. Some lie more than others. In my case, I am a habitual liar. I am looking at the root cause of my lies and am hoping to find a reason soon before its too late. No matter what though I owe it to my wife to strive to be worth of her. Some guys aren't all that bad. I am not an evil person, but I'll be honest (for the first time) and same that I am a liar and a cheat. Not every man is like that. Some are just liars because they don't know any better and it takes a while for our stupid heads to realize we need help. Some are malicious liars though. I guess it comes down to asking or accepting help. If you think your man is just a liar and can't realize he's doing it then maybe he just needs support and help to get to therapy. If he is malicious then you need to leave! All that any one of us can do in this life is try and atone for all the bad we have all done. Some of us keep committing sins but like the saying goes, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! - loser Tue, 16 Sep 2008 11:32:19 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1257 I'm starting to think that all these men graduated from the same class. I too have a situation so similar to everyone here. I met him online, whirlwind romance, was inseparable and then moved in together after a short while. It all started with text messages and phone calls from females that I had issues with. Then I found out that he still had profiles up - SEVERAL of them and he was still active on them. Had several conversations with these women that he has met. When confronted he says it wasn't nothing just guy talk etc...I have told him how it makes me feel and he says all the right things and then it starts all over again. I have busted him again on onlinebootycall, migente, hi5, yahoo etc... I have asked him to take the profiles down and he says he will, however he hasn't made a move to do so. He really is a good boyfriend and I love him so, but this issue is making me crazy. I find myself trying to find other sites that he may be on. I know this is unhealthy for me, but I do not know what to do>?? - Sad & Lonely Wed, 26 Mar 2008 10:43:15 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1233 My significant other said he wanted to join ALT just to watch people having sex on webcam or photos. I didn't care if he looked but when he first got it he emailed about 7 different couples 3 from our state saying that him and his fiance would like to get to know them and that he thought the woman was cute and I thought the husband was cute. I got very angry with him for this and told him that I thought that was very inappropriate. He said it wasn't that big a deal and he was just going to exchange emails. Right. I told him I'm not stupid and why would he email people from our town and tell them we are attracted to them. He hasn't emailed anyone since but I know he wants to. It hurt me pretty bad. He wanted to get a webcam but I refused. He still watches the webcams but hasn't emailed anyone. He told me that he and his ex were swingers and it wrecked their marriage. I don't think he has it out of his system. He doesn't see a problem with emailing other people and sometimes throws it up to me that I won't let him. I told him I can't stop him but I will ask him to leave since I want no part of it. Sex to me includes intimacy passion and love. - xe Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:09:27 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1139 I had a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I met him online. At the time, he was separated from his wife and still to this date he has not even filed for the divorce. This relationship has been like if I got on a roller coaster ride. During his time with me, he had three relationships with other women he met online. We would break up and get back together. His cell phone would ring like crazy and that was due to all the women that he met on the internet, would call him. He would not answer when I was around saying that he did not answer blocked calls. Well, I tried calling myself block and he picked it up. The last straw was when one of those previous liaisons, call and left him a message that they had much pleasure when he called her. I was able to get into his voice mail on his cell. That was it! I went to his home and took every piece that was mine and left. The only thing that I left behind was a note about it and telling him, that his problem is lying and a cheater. Believe me, right now it is very hard because you put all your hope in working out a relationship, but one is better off. There is something much better out there in the world. Plus, this is not the only man with two feet on this earth. Listen up ladies, if you are in a kind of relationship, as I was, walk out with dignity. Respect yourself because if you don't who will. Good luck and have courage to do what you have to do. Some men do not change...... - MujerConCurvas Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:03:16 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-1088 I knew that I wasn't alone even before I read all the posts. I too am in the same situation. Hes lied to be from the get go. First telling me that he only had 1 child when he had 3 - I found out 6 months into our relationship. Then he had an online affair and since then periodically he has been on and off singles sites and lying to me about various other things. I caught him just recently and he denied it point blank. He looked me in the eye and said that it wasn't him, that I was pathological, paranoid, etc. He had a breakdown (probably due to his guilt) and went to a therapist who told him that he has to come clean with me. He did and I found out a whole lot more. The trust with us has been broken from the start. I never trusted him after the first couple of incidences and have constantly accused him of being online, chatting with other people, etc. And all along I was right. He wants me to put it behind us and take his 'word' for it but will still not allow me access to his computer of cell phone because it makes him uneasy and it is also an invasion of his privacy. WTF?? I have tried to tell him that in order for me to believe him, he has an obligation to reveal with proof that he is in fact being honest with me and wants this to work. He has made no real concessions to this whatsoever - instead he says that the fact the he deleted his singles site profile, told me about a secret email account that he used, and told me about one other site that he was on he is redeemed and being upfront with me. We have tried counseling only to be told by him that he was going there to support me. HA! Since he's been found out just recently, he now wants to see a someone but I'm, hesitant. Will it be relevant? He has also told me that I have to put the past behind us and start fresh. Basically just forgive him for what he has done and move forward. How can I do that if the trust that was broken in the first place was never regained? And since then he has lied about a lot. I sent him an article about how to regain trust and how long it takes only to have him say, "Interesting" and that he needed time to figure out a way to do that, that will make us both happy. I know that I have pushed him away by the constant accusations but I had every right to do that as it never stopped. Because of my brutish behavior, he was driven to finding people to talk to as an ego boost and to get 'something' that he was not getting from me. It's gotten to the point now that I just don't care anymore. Until he realizes that he messed up and NEEDS to restore the trust and commitment, I'm done. It used to pain me to think about him being with someone else as in his new relationship, he MAY change and have something that I could have had but I just try not to think about it. I sometimes think that just maybe if I went back and was the loving g/f, it would change and he would stop it altogether. That is what I am struggling with at this very moment. But by the sounds of the research I have done, a leopard can't change his spots. I understand what you all are going through, and it's hard to change and leave behind what could be such a wonderful union but when trust is broken and the other person will not reciprocate what is required, there is no point. I'm still trying to convince myself of that...... I wish the best of luck to all you who are in the same I am. Be strong - Girl Power! - Sad eyed girl Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:07:28 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-979 I recently found out from one of his friends network website profile, that he has contacted a few girls and added them into his list. For sure, he never mention that to me, even about him joining the website. Plus, his status is set to 'single' and 'looking for what I can get'. Then I also found that his ex send him a request to add her into his friends list (another friends network website). The request email was in his mailbox, he read it and purposely put under the folder named as 'job hunt'. I felt betrayed, because we promised to tell everything about our contacts (online or offline) with people of our opposite sex to each other. Because, we consider this as a sharing of our friendship with other people. I've no question of him being friends with other girls, but if he's acting so secretive, I guess it's just something fishy. I tell him everything about myself, but clearly he's keeping things from me. The cheating part is bad enough, but the most hurtful thing is he betrayed my trust and I simply don't know how to treat him as I used to anymore. - moontree Sat, 06 Oct 2007 17:53:58 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-910 Have just read all the replies etc on here and found it so incredibly upsetting. This is yet another facet of 21st Century 'life' that us women (and lets face it girls - it is mostly the men doing this to US), have to deal with and be prepared for. INFURIATINGLY, I write as the 'other woman' i.e. the one that the longterm and 'pregnant' girlfriend found out about. I met this guy through an online dating site, he was in the military and made himself out to be every girl's dream - the sentimental, lovable, caring, gorgeous and manly 'warrior' type. Professed that he'd fallen for me 'HARD', and even offered to pay for the 2,000 mile flight to go stay with him (which thanks to my common sense, I declined). I really fell for this guy and told myself that if I genuinely meant anything to him, he'd make the journey to see me instead... which of course he never did. The emailing, phone calling and webcamming etc went on for quite a few months with various blips of non-contact. During these times I'd ask if he was 'through' with 'us' or had met someone etc as I wanted it to end then, and he always made up some 'HELL NO' excuse (you know the sort...). Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got a phone call from him a few months ago, in the early hours of the morning, saying he'd been with someone for ages, she was pregnant and that he'd been stringing me along. I could hear this woman in the background of the phone call and I have to say that I felt absolutely MORTIFIED to be involved in a triangle dynamic of this sort and to have unknowingly caused an innocent person a great deal of pain and heartache. This is especially raw for me as I had to divorce my husband for adultery and violent abuse a few years back. I felt heartily sorry for the woman he was/is involved with and so damn stupid and naive for letting myself get into this situation in the first place and being so trusting of this man. I'm thankful that I listened to my common sense though and didn't take that aforementioned journey or it might've been me on the receiving end of yet another cheater instead. Some people just need castrating I think - hats off to you all and 'arse' to naivety girls! xx - Elouise Tue, 21 Aug 2007 18:15:07 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-868 This is so sad, even tho I'm glad I found this site. Same story here, have been with bf a year and a half after meeting online. It was on and half for about 9 months, he'd disappear for days or weeks and always come back with some story of drama in his life. But then came back between the holidays last year and told me I was "the one" and he wanted to commit to being in the relationship. About a month ago, he disappeared and had claimed that his phone was shut off and hadn't gotten a new svc yet. I tracked him down at work after finding he was on some sex networking site. We talked and he apologized profusely, said he was scared of getting hurt and all the same lines we've all heard. After finding the profile still up after he'd sworn to take it down, dug further and found him on AFF. Advertising himself for all sorts of fun and posting a lot of nasty stuff, giving out his phone number. He claims it's just goofing off and something to do when bored, but is that even remotely a reason?? So far I have let him talk me into "working it out" but he was just online there and the ad remains even tho he again swore he would take it all down. This sucks. Is this what life has become now that every fantasy and impulse can be indulged by hundreds of freaks at a moment's notice?? - sad Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:24:12 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-798 wow... I am going through this RIGHT NOW... and I am not sure how to handle it... my boyfriend says he wants to slowly make things right w/ me again and wants me... but even still... I see him writing to women... I still have his password and code... he didn't log out of his email and I was able to get into it by looking at links past so I could get on something else.. It hurts badly... I have even opened an account on one of the sites he is on to see if he will catch the bait... and you know what... he viewed "her" profile today and then said "how are you today?"... is this the start to more drama? I met him online as well... and ever since we met... we had been going full force together... and he thinks maybe we didn't take much time to really get to know each other.. I don't know... but i would sure like some more advice and hear more people... I am so glad I am NOT the only one. - tee tee Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:29:34 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-767 Trust issue, love issue, sex issue, getting close issue, fear. I was going through some very traumatic times in my life that involved immediate family members and a failed marriage. I worked harder and became community orientated. Although I excelled in everything, everyone knows me, adores, admires, loves me, they don't see my tears my loneliness when I go home. Accidently, I met this guy online through a friend. I stayed clear away but chatted to him sometimes. He was very nice, I can never explain what happened but after seven months, I became centered into him and blocking out the problems of my real life. He helped me with everything it was unreal. He was on the phone every morning at 5:00 a.m., I can't even begin to tell you the scam this man pulled off to earn my trust and my love. I can't understand why he even put up with me that long. Meeting him in person was 2.5 years later. Imagine seeing the man you have cammed with, been on the phone with. This man talked to me on my cell from a 300 mile trip until I reached home. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. It overwhelmed me. I told him I distrusted. He was hellbent on having me trust him and darn if he didn't. I have never done anything so insane in my life but I met him in person on Valentine's weekend. The next month, I drove the two states to spend longer time with him, each month longer. In May, I rented an apartment there for three months while he lived with me. I went to family picnic, had his children every other weekend (I have no children and these were teenagers). Sex was incredible. He was fantastic and then it started going downhill as I started to pack to go home to sell my home and return forever. He stopped calling, he refused to talk to me online, he informed me that he lied to me the whole time. I was devestated. Ashammed, as he had come to my state twice with me and met my friends and my doctor. Why? He continued for eight months text messaging me, telephoning me to come get what was mine. Three months later, he turned 40. (I am older than him). I asked him if I could celebrate his b/d with him. He said YES! I drove the long drive and for the first time he was not waiting for me. I fell apart in the bathroom crying when he walked in. He took me in his arms rocked me and then made love to me. But nothing was the same. He came at 9 p.m. to the hotel and left at 6.30 a.m. for work. I stayed a week just to see the kids and be there for his b/d as I arrived early. Two days after I returned home, a woman contacted me about her and him that he was living with her. Again, crushed. He has lied, manilupated and cheated me so many times. I have not seen him for seven months, I don't want to ever see him again. I want him gone forever. I have isolated myself and I am so damn hurt. - Prowler Mon, 21 May 2007 01:32:00 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-604 I too have a trust issue. My boyfriend of 10 months and we live together, has been talking on his cell phone with various women from online. I've seen his phone bill and have called 2 of them out of curiosity. They both told me that they have phone sex with my b/f. He denies it. We've only had sex one time in the 10 months we've been together. He is distant with me. He tells me he loves me everyday. We don't go out and he has never acknowledged my birthday, Christmas or Valentine's Day. He is not intimate with me either. He tells me he doesn't talk to those women anymore, but I have a strong feeling he is. What should I do? - DD Sat, 24 Feb 2007 06:42:40 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-319 All of your advice has been really helpful. I just want to let everyone know that it has really helped me to address some problems in my current situation and although it sucks, it's nice to know that I am not alone. - notmilk Fri, 01 Dec 2006 16:26:46 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-307 I have been getting to know someone in my state from online whose intentions I thought I knew. However, I also feel that this person has divided his interest by also "playing the field" online with others. If that was his intention then he either misrepresented himself and is not really serious about a stable relationship or he isn't willing enough to give me the respect and honesty that goes along with building something of value. If your boyfriend's intentions were caring, he would consider your hurt and examine himself to see where his goals lie, and be forthcoming enough to tell you that he is not interested in anything serious. Also, if he values what you both have built thus far, he would be honest with you about his behavior -- whether he is the type who needs affirmations or an ego boost from many different types of women, whether he is looking for intimate gratification that is not committal on his part or whatever other satisfaction he seeks. From the standpoint of relationship value, a person who is willingly hurtful and easily enticed by other women is less than what you deserve. In previous dating, I am sorry to say that patterns repeat themselves and often run true to form. I am very open in my dealings and feel that fickleness stains the purity of two people's growing bond. To me, the most valued marks of a man are loyalty and maturity. I gave an honest decree of my feelings in my situation and let this person be aware that if he felt the need to seek out others, that he should continue to seek what would suit him and not count on me standing by. That was quite a painful statement in view of the emotional interest I allowed to build. I valued our friendship and what was beginning. To my surprise, it has given a different slant to our dealings. He seems to respect me more now, although it may be a matter of him cloaking his tracks better. Lack of trust might cause one to suspect the worst. Although the infraction has changed my feelings about him somewhat, I also understand that people may not consider the feelings of others in their behaviors. At the time of this writing, I still haven't been honest with him in saying I didn't want to see him because my feelings have changed. I have lost the ability to emotionally make further investment. I still respect his achievements and his ideas and enjoy knowing about his life. The foundation of emotional intimacy is to be able to relate to each other honestly. I let things build without that foundation in place. I do not envy anyone in this situation. I hope that understanding will guide you to do what is right for yourself. May you always be guided by truth. Listen to the voice in your heart. - Secretotheheart Sun, 26 Nov 2006 20:02:23 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-301 I can totally relate in this situation because the same problem has been going on for 5 years and I never went out with anyone else. There was an agreement of limitation which did not work. During the 5 year relationship, I ended up seeing 3 therapists. Bottom line - it has never changed and I suddenly called it quits by end of Oct 06 and move by 8 Nov 06. Before I was even out of the house, he was already on-line looking for women to date and fabricated so many stories to different ones. I went and check in his e-mail and IM archives to check what was going on and he eventually locked me out. He never came clean on what was going on and so I removed myself emotionally, physically, and mentally. I hope he reaps what he sows. Right when I moved out he already had someone else lined up from his IM conversations. So what is the best revenge in dealing with the internet predators? :( - life_cheers Sat, 25 Nov 2006 19:38:04 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-270 I can totally relate to you in this case. I have found my boyfriend on several ratings sites, and on them he said he was "single." I did snoop through his AOL and Yahoo Messenger, and found messages from other girls. One time, he was talking to her dirty and about things that turn him on. When I confronted him, he said he just did it for fun. I even found pictures of girls in his e-mail because I was snooping. I know what they say, if you snoop, you might find something that you're not ready for. Each time I said to myself that I would never be with someone who lies to me, but here I am forgiving for the too many times that he has lied to me. My best advice to anybody is to get out of a relationship where your partner is lying to you while you can. Don't let it get into a deep, serious relationship. All they will do is to continue what they're doing, only hide it better as the previous person said. My boyfriend puts a lock code on his phone, and his computer, so I no longer can look through it. Yes this might seem to him a way for me to respect his privacy, but it also makes think worse about what he's really doing. - Tanyajt03 Mon, 06 Nov 2006 16:44:45 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/online_cheating/boyfriend_online_chat.html#comment-158 I read the situation and I can say mine is quite similar. My boyfriend also likes to see girls on-line and in the past denied everything even when I showed him proofs. He promised to change, one more empty promise, and before reading the articles on how to talk to a liar, I talked to him (without knowing) just the way I should. Just trying to understand why, without blaming him (even if I wanted to!). He said he likes me and doesn't mean to hurt me and that he don't know why he lies or that he lies because he doesn't want to hurt me (with the truth). And I said that what hurts inside is knowing he lies to me, even after saying to him that I prefer to know whatever the truth is than to be kept blind. Just a couple of weeks ago we kind of decided to put an end because we both were getting hurt and that's now way of living. But the days were hell and here I am now, writing in his computer, in his house... Seems he really likes me, he says... Well, I've been noticing that now he's been answering me with the truth, even if not very enthusiastic but mostly with a guilty look. And my reaction is something like: hmm... ok, just glad you told the truth. And I know the least I insist, the more he tends to be honest. So, moral of the story? I guess he doesn't lie to hurt me but he doesn't understand that his lies do hurt, maybe more than the truth. I've been talking to one of his ex-girlfriends and it seems he hasn't changed in 6 years. The funny thing is that you can't imagine what kind of person he is when you look at him; he seems such a nice person... All of my friends think I'm a fool for even keeping contact with him, imagine the rest! I just say, why not just let it be? In the worst possibility I'm just letting the love die and keeping the friendship (if possible). Because he can be the best of friends but the worst of boyfriends, know what I mean? It's not the first time I suffer a heart deception and with my luck it probably won’t be my last, but now I can use more of my head instead of my heart (but still not all of it!). So, if it's meant to be, he has to change and I have to change too. If it has to have an end, hope it is as painless as possible. I just have to keep on living, for better or worst, and I know I have friends that will stand by me, comforting me with my decisions. So, for everyone suffering out there, believe in yourselves, don't give a big deal for someone that can't make you happy, you deserve more. And especially, don't live in the past, it's the future you have to worry with. And by the way, all the articles I read on the subject "lies", "deception", etc, I'm the living proof and could have wrote it myself. :) Best of lucks to all! - Guest Sat, 02 Sep 2006 16:36:37 +0100