Comments for Shocking Discovery About Husband at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com , comment 1 to 13 out of 13 comments http://www.truthaboutdeception.com Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:05:04 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-1798 RE: Tsheff Thank you so much for your wise words. My heart has been breaking ever since I discovered my husband of 5 years has been lying to me for approximately a year about where he goes and what he's doing when apart. I have really been struggling with this and am in a great deal of pain because I am unable to let it go an move on as he says. More than anything, validation for the pain they have caused with their deceit and understanding for the need to make amends is in order. Thanks again for posting! - maradean Fri, 31 Oct 2008 20:54:45 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-1253 A lie by the person you trust is a tap on the shoulder that the person you believe you are with is NOT that person at all... that is what unravels your whole world... particularly when the liar is your husband or wife. Nothing is as it seems to be... as you believed it to be... A lie just makes the world you created together... and thought you lived in together side by side... collapse. You begin to believe its your fault... or that you don't deserve better... or that the other person didn't mean it... NOT TRUE. Unless there are extraordinary circumstances... step away from all liars. Deception is an ugly thing. It will make you bitter and poison everything unless you LOVE YOURSELF enough to move on... because there can be no love from a liar and one who has deceived you. Just my two cents. - alunar Sun, 23 Mar 2008 21:06:10 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-1229 To all those who are reading these emails trying to find a place of peace... I am a person of faith who believes in sticking it out during the hard times in marriage... I believe in second chances... I believe in the fact we are human and constantly make mistakes. I also believe that there are instances where the actions do not warrant a second chance or a renewal. It revolves around attitude and willingness. I was married for 18 yrs. 15 of those years, my husband consistently lied to me resulting in uncovered affairs... one right after another. I forgave and moved on. I was young at the time, not realizing my inner value. Looking back, after divorcing him for the 4th affair... the only thing I was guilty of was not trusting my intuition and loving myself enough to move on after the first incident. One thing I have learned, even post divorce, once a liar... always a liar. The only reason I think lying should be forgotten is when the man or woman shows remorse and to the point that they are convicted through a series of events to correct and completely move away from the actions of lying (all together). These actions must be intentional and must require accountability and he or she must show that they realize what they have done to the relationship and know the road may be tough to travel back to trust. They must also bring the one hurt to a place of peace... that means the person who has lied must make a conscience effort (on their own) to bring the one they hurt to the point of knowing it is going to change and things WIll be different. The article on this website which explains the steps to building trust gives a great blueprint of what the one who was hurt SHOULD expect... all steps have to be followed by the one who did the lying. But, more importantly they must WANT to follow through on these suggestions... to the point it seems overkill almost. To sum it up, you should never stay with someone who lies unless they show you without a doubt over a long period of time they are in control of themselves and the hurt they place upon you. If they are not willing to follow the advice given on this website to rebuild trust and do in on their own without reminding or prompting... YOU MUST LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY! Now... as an interesting twist... I have been with a man, who has other great qualities, for the last six months... But, I caught him in a large lie in the beginning and he has since been involved in another. I have ended the relationship. I have given him a copy of the steps to rebuilding trust (which is on this website). Now I must take time away and watch in the shadows and observe his attitude and see if he will be one of the few who will consciously turn it around on his own.In the meantime, it is important for me to continue in another walk of life. I will write again and update the site on if I had to follow my own advice to never return or if this man will be one of the few who is concerned about learning from his mistakes enabling his to build a stronger character. - tsheff Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:56:59 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-973 I have been married for two months and just found out a week ago my husband cheated on me a few months before we tied the knot. He claimed that it was only emotional not physical... but that hurts even more. It was with a coworker who is married and just had a baby a few days ago. I don't believe anything he says. I am in shock because I really thought we had a great relationship (dated 4 years before getting married). I feel like he deceived me to a point that I could never let him touch me again. I mean he told the other girl in a 4 page love letter that if he could do it again he would 100 percent be with her and that he compares her to me daily, etc. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel that any kind of outside help would help me. Please help. - Hurt Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:18:56 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-741 I found out 6 months ago my wife had an anonymous friend at work. I only found out because my best friend went to pick-up his wife and saw my wife leaving with this guy while I worked late to provide extra money for our family - we have two young boys. My friend promptly called me and told me. He said he questioned his wife to see how much she knew, she said she knew she had the friend but thought I knew because of how friendly they seemed - what a crock. I confronted my wife about it and she said he was just a friend and that he was married also. So, so I called his wife and told her about the situation. Well, my wife said she would break it off and never speak to him. My buddy's wife went on maternity leave and when she returned found that my wife had picked right back up with this guy were she left off. So again I confront my wife and she says she did not know why she had to be his "friend." So I called him out this time, he said he thought it was ridiculous on my part to not let them be friends, and that we must have problems. I told him that the lying and deception the two of them shared was my problem. I threatened him with his safety (which probably wasn't the best course of action) but it made me feel like I had been heard without there being any doubt. My wife stood there as we confronted each other, telling me if I hurt him she would leave me. That was when I knew it was far more then just an honest friendship between them. It has been 2 months now since my last discovery of her lying and deceit. She still claims to this day it was all just an emotional relationship, and because of our kids I have been trying to get past this. But I do not believe a word that comes from her mouth nor do I think she has stopped seeing him. I try and plan breaks at work to catch her as she works across the street and was taking breaks with this guy for weeks before I found out about them and their car rides and walks together. I am hurt by the thought of her doing this to me. I am in an emotional battle when I do not know where she is or who she is with. I check her cell phone records daily and monitor her computer usage at home. I just feel like I should not have to do those things or feel this way. Things erupt into daily arguments and accusations, which I know isn't healthy in fixing this nor is it healthy for the kids to sense their parents are falling apart from each other. I toil daily with the thought of divorce and hope to find either inner peace one day with her or by myself with the kids. I am lost in a way I struggle to find my way out. I want to say also, if you think your other is cheating, they probably are. I can tell you even when you think it is going well, it may not be going as well as you think. Remember a seed of deceit will sow a field of doubt. - Guest Jeremy Fri, 27 Apr 2007 18:52:00 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-400 I don't know what I would do if I ever found out my husband was cheating. My heart goes out to all of you women. I had similar problems with my first fiance, who I did not marry. I came to this site to try and find out information for my sister, who may be going through the same thing as the rest of you. If my husband ever did something like that to me, he would never have sex again, unless he had surgery. - jennie Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:10:39 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-340 My former fiance met several women online and had sex with them in nearby hotels. He is an incredibly attractive man who women seem to flock to, and a few years into our relationship I started to wonder whether his behavior toward them was flirtatious or friendly. I started doubting my judgment as my internal dialogue would vacillate between "he would never" to "how can he resist?" A seed of doubt was planted in the back of my head, which never felt good to have. We were engaged and a few months before our wedding I was on our computer and his email folder was minimized at the bottom of the screen. I opened it up and sure enough, there was an "internet sex" folder in his account. I opened that up and was horrified to find several emails to and from women that included very descriptive details as to what they wanted to do with each other and subsequent emails that recounted what they DID do to each other. I checked the dates and they were all written late at night, long after I had fallen asleep. The sad thing is that we both went to bed at the same time, reading together, talking, chatting, sharing good time, etc. I would fall asleep and at some point he would wake up to write porn emails to women and schedule sex dates. I would wake up in the morning with him at my side totally unaware of his nocturnal cheating habits. How horrible! He was away on business when I found this out. One of the emails in his sex folder was from a woman in Denver, the city he was visiting. Like a crazy person, I called her number and pleaded with her not to sleep with my fiance. She was part of a three woman team who posted an internet sex site and said she was not the woman he was going to meet, but that she would pass my pleading along to her "co-worker." He finally came home and when confronted, said he felt terrible and that he wanted to kill himself. Like a fool, I consoled him and then later tried to get to the bottom as to WHY he cheated so many times. He said that my little grain of suspicion hurt him so terribly that he wanted to do what I accused him of. He said that I compromised the integrity of our relationship by questioning him and that I should not have been surprised at his actions. He totally turned the situation on me. Amazing!!! As heartbreaking as it was to leave that relationship after five wonderful years, I had to, of course. My wedding dress had been handmade and short of the last tailoring, was ready for the big day. The dog and I took it to the dumpster and promptly disposed of it. It was so sad. A little while after I left I started to blame myself for the dissolution of our relationship. I wondered if I pushed him into it, if I caused him to stray, if maybe I wasn't the stupidest woman in the world not to know that the loving man who fell asleep beside me every night was actually a serial cheater. How could I not know? Finally I accepted the truth that he would have cheated no matter what I did. His relative lack of true remorse for what he did was startling, but I know he would have done that no matter who he was with. That he tried to deflect blame and put it all on my is awful, but the worst part is that I betrayed myself by doubting myself in a truly fundamental way. That ended up being the worst pain I had to endure, that which I caused myself. So, to the women who have gut feelings that he might be cheating, he very well may be. To any woman who takes the blame for him doing so, please, please don't. Men and woman can be master manipulators of their partners feelings and these near sociopathic tendencies should not be rewarded by betraying your own judgment and intuition. If you think it is true, is probably is! Once you know it, you have the choice to leave or work it out. To anyone experiencing this situation, you are not alone and you are NOT crazy. Sites like adultfriendfinder support the sad truth that there are many married women and men sleeping around. I cannot believe how brazen people are. - Guest Mon, 11 Dec 2006 18:20:08 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-177 That said it best for me. I am humiliated by my husband's affair. He seems to have no guilt. He wants me to stay also but I rally think I need to get myself together and realize I am better than this. I am tired of being used. I feel like my whole marriage is a lie at this point. - Guest Sun, 17 Sep 2006 21:46:28 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-163 It is so sad to read that you are spending your lives checking up and monitoring the person who should love you most in the world. Have you such a bad opinion of yourself that you are willing to put up with this behaviour? Or could it just be that you have built your life around and with this man and you are too frightened to start out again? I'm not sure how you will ever trust your husband again, which will make you hollow and bitter for the rest of your life (and make him miserable too). When you say you still love your husband are you sure it isn't just dependence on your current life and the familiar? Maybe you should set yourself and him free and find someone who can love you with gentle decency or trust yourself enough to know you will be just fine on your own. Look calmly deep down inside, take a big deep breath and realize that this marriage isn't good enough for you. Be as strong for you as you are trying to be for your marriage and let him go. - Guest Fri, 01 Sep 2006 08:00:27 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-101 Last year my husband starting working for a new company where traveling is necessary. After one particular trip with his boss I found out that the two of them were going out wearing T-Shirts that said "I Love Sex." During that trip they met a couple of women that were artist at a art show displayed on the street for the public. Two weeks later he met one of them in Mexico to do a photo shoot for his company and I was the last one to find out. It was only after he got back and was talking to a friend that he told him about this trip with her. When I confronted him he said he did not tell me because he knew I would be upset and did not want to have the confrontation with me before he left. Since then he has returned to Mexico on business and met another woman during this trip and spent time with her one night during one of the functions they attended. I found a email to her from him in English and Spanish telling her how much he enjoyed spending time with her and that he was very comfortable with her. He also let her know when he planned on returning to Mexico in hopes they could see each other again. Her return email told him that she was attracted to him and she too had a good time. She ended the email sending her love and kisses. I got an attorney that day and confronted my husband. He said that it was no bid deal and that he knew she was attracted to him and used that to his benefit to get contacts for his business in other places in Mexico. He swears that he has never had an affair although he has thought about it and even flirted with other women hoping it would turn into something. He said that he would chicken out because he just could never do anything like that to me or us. We have had several fights over this behavior and he promises that he will never do anything like this again and of course he will change. I feel so stupid if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it must be a duck right? I told him if I ever found out that he was a duck there would be no discussion that he would receive divorce papers instead. After 17 years of marriage I never thought I would be in this position. After he looked me in the eyes and swore he has never had any physical contact with any other woman I still can't believe him. Now I feel like I am going mentally insane and becoming obsessed with find the truth on way or the other. I have good days and bad days now I am left standing here still full of doubt. There was a time where I could trust my intuition but today I don't know. This entire thing is making me sick inside and out. There has got to be a better way. - Guest Sat, 17 Jun 2006 11:07:10 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-88 I completely understand. My husband and I are going through the same thing, only that he got caught up with some neighbors of ours who were into 3 somes. I found out about 4 years later to also find out the neighbors had got a divorce because she fell in love with my husband and they have been seeing each other the past 2 and a half years. He says he has cut it off with her but she continues to try and call him. I watch the phone bills also. - Guest Mon, 29 May 2006 18:10:15 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-87 Hello, I cried as I read this. The same has happened to me and I feel so totally lost and betrayed. I wish you could email me and tell me how things are going so far... I am thinking of calling a counselor tonight. If you respond to this post, I will post my email address. - Guest Thu, 25 May 2006 15:20:46 +0100 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/ask_an_expert/discovering_deception/shocking_discovery_about_husband.html#comment-78 You should not blame yourself. He is responsible for his own action. You trusted him. - Guest Tue, 09 May 2006 16:19:42 +0100