My son has been lying to us for six years. About everything. Where he is, who he's with, how he's doing in school, and now he's taken a car and damaged it beyond repair. He managed to get it back home before we arrived and just insists that he knows nothing about it. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I read and hear everything about removing the person from your life since there's no trust. But, he's only 17 and has no where to go and no way to support himself. In the meantime he takes things slowly, like $2000 worth of DVD's, cash up to $100 at a time. We've tried counseling and arrangements and helping him and we're just constantly let down. Any thoughts at all???????

tdillman, I can only tell you this, from a mother who has had to drop her 15 year old daughter off in the dead of winter on a city park bench and drive away, leaving her there with nothing but a light jacket and a small bag of her belongings. I know the tug of war you are in. My daughter was using drugs from the time she was 14, we lived through the exact same nightmare minus the car damage. Money, jewelry, tools, electronics, antiques...stolen for drugs. Never knew a thing about them, only we knew who was stealing these things. I am a mother who stands by her children and supports them, they are a very important part of my life. I will assume you care about your son in the same way that I do.

It literally broke my heart having to drop her off the way I did, at her request. It was either that or she had to go into a rehab/counseling center. Her choice, but the behavior was not going to be tollerated in our home any longer. Toughtest, almost the toughest (another story) thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. But there were no other options left. I would have given my right and left arm if she would have agreed to get help, but she chose to cut off her own arms so to speak.

You will probably not like hearing this anymore than I did when it was said to me, but the bottom line is you have to find a way to remove him from your home if he is not going to accept your help to help save him from his self destructive behavior. My daughter's situation was a little different. When she chose to leave home she was already out, but when she wanted to come back home I would only allow her to come under the conditions that she got help, thus the drop off at the park.

It was suggested to me before she even left home, when she was stealing things, that I should have first, called the police and reported a robbery. No finger pointing, just that there was a robbery. Then, if it happened again, call the police and name her as the suspect. I could have done that, but didn't want her to have a record at such a young age. It might have forced her into the help she needed. You are probably wondering how can you prove he stole anything to accuse him with the police. Most times when teenagers steal this many things they take many of the items to the pawn shop. Some stuff gets sold to their friends or on the street, but after a while their friends run out of money too. So the next thing they hit is the pawn shops. Most pawn shops require you to have a license to pawn anything and keep a record of who brought what in. I don't know if this is a law that all states have, but here that's how it's done. The reason they do this is because the pawn shops already know many items they get are stolen, so their is a record of who pawned it for proof of ownership.

If this is the case in your state, I would go to the nearby pawn shops or town where he frequents and check with them about items that are missing or sometimes you can give them a name and they can tell you if that person is in their system and what items they pawned. This would give you the evidence you need to have him arrested. I know how much that hurts to hear, but I'm telling you, it will continue and probably get much worse, not only for you, but for him. If you want to help him really, you do have to do the tough love, otherwise you and he are looking at a very big problem down the road and there's a chance you can help both of you avoid that. Good luck, pray. Marie

Sometimes tough love is all you can offer. Spoken from the recieving end of that. I was kicked out, I had no money, I didnt really have anywhere to go. But guess what I figured it out. But whats worse is that I was miserable, I couldnt wait to go home. It was an eye opener for me. I bet my mom doesnt know that, I'm not sure if she knows that I really did miss her, I wanted to be home. Sure I found a place to stay and I partied, had fun, drank, did drugs, I was stupid. But more than anything I was still a kid that had no idea what to do in the real world. Her kicking me out was what I needed.

Regardless if he is only 17, he is making adult choices so he needs to be treated like an adult. He took the car, stole the car, steals other things. Why not call the cops? Or is he to young to go to jail to? he is making these choices for himself, you can only do so much and then its out of your hands.

FYI from an insurance stand point if that car is yours and the insurance is in your name YOU are liable for any and all damages that incure due to his choices, including bodily injury and property damage. That includeds lawsuits. What are you going to tell the judge, sorry he is just a baby! I doubt it, dont by it! He is almost an adult, time to start acting like one.

I consider myself a "Tough Love" success story. My mom had me charged with Unauthorized Use of A Motor Vehicle (charge just below outright theft)at 14, Gave me the "it's off to boarding school or a Foster Home" at 15 (I chose the school) and then kicked me out the day after my 18th BD even though I still had another year of school. I worked and supported myself while still getting through my Senior year in HS at 18. I am now a successful Network Admin at a hospital with a 14yr old son and a 15yr old marriage. So don't fear that you will ruin his life by kicking him out of the nest, life is a "sink or swim" deal and the sooner he figures it out the better.

On another note, you didn't mention drugs but the scenario you describe SCREAMS drugs to me.

Just an idea. Go to the drug store and buy one of the over the counter drug tests that look for EVERYTHING.
Tell him "if you come back positive for anything but pot (or anything at all if you prefer), you are going to start drug treatment and get your act together. If you choose not to do that, you will be moving out and taking nothing but what YOU HAVE PAID FOR (he didn't buy his bed or TV, tough darts)."

If you choose to allow him to live in the home I HIGHLY recommend you forcing him to pay for the repair of the car by getting a job or mowing lawns on the weekend if that's what it takes. At the same time he should not be benefiting from the luxuries you provide for him. No TV, Cable, Stereo, Internet. Basically anything he is not working to help provide (house work and or good grades and school attendance counts since a kids "job" is getting good grades and helping around the house)is not something he deserves. The sooner you teach him it's time to start behaving like an adult the better. You are doing him NO FAVORS by letting him continue to use and abuse your family and home.

My 15 year old daughter confessed to compulsively lie to us and her friends. The last straw came in May when we were in Naples for a last minute weekend. I had driven her round to her friends houae to stay but she had left a middle floor bathroom window open and returned home. She threw a party which got wildly out of hand and police were called. She gave a false mobile tel number out for me and told them she was home alone. During the weekend when I rang she had sounded bright and happy. She did not tell us about the party etc but the neighbours and social services.
After a Social service and police investigation we withdrew all her blongings from her and gave her 2 sets of clothes. The summer she spent with us and gained confidence to get clothes etc back.
The last things she was given back last week.
She has altered she communcates, admits when lying and we hope this change will last

Your son, is my son. You have so much more to come. I wish I had a answer, I am still looking. He is now manipulating a close friend of his, by living with this friend and his friends mother. I am grateful, because like you, I cannot live with not knowing where he is, how he is doing. And I also know his living arrangements are temporary, because when his true colors shine through, they will turn him away too. I fear everyday I will find he has lied and cheated to the wrong people, and I envision the worst. But I cannot allow him to live in my home. He has stolen money- too much to even account for, things of value, both monetary and personal (irreplaceable things), gifts purchased for others, credit cards, his brothers savings account. He opened up his own credit card and charged it beyond it's limit, but doesn't make a payment. He has lost his license twice as well as evey job he has ever held. And yes, he steals even when he works. To meet my son, you would think he is the sweetest person you have ever met. And I still believe he is, but he can do all of these things and feel no remorse, no understanding of what he has left others to feel. My son is 20. I think back now and I realize he was lying as far back as 2nd grade. When we would talk about it, and we did a million times, he'd say he doesn't know how to tell the truth. We did counsiling when he was young, we tried counsiling when he was older. We gave him everything so he'd have no reason to steal, we supported him, we yelled, we screamed, we fought, we did everything we thought we could do as good parents. When he stole, we could have had him arrested, but he is our son, I can't bear the thoughts of what would happen to him. I've thrown him out 3 times. The first time I searched him out and brought him home, I couldn't take the pain. The second time, I grew stronger, but he came home begging forgiveness and said he wants change and can't do it alone. How could I turn him away. But nothing changed. This last time, he found he could live with his friend. I have learned, that he still hasn't changed, he is still stealing. My husband and I always get into large fights over him. Both of us feel the same, but always manage to find ourselves in a heated arguement over him. I am afraid, afraid for his life, afraid for what I will do if he knocks on the door with no where to go. I enable him, we enable him. I cannot let him in, but I don't know that I have the strength to do what I know I need to do. I rationally know, I can not help him unless he really wants to help himself. But when it is your child...how can you think with your head. My heart is breaking, for you and for me. When they fell down, we always pick them up, bandage their wounds and hug them with all the reassurance that mommy will always be there. And I can't, I feel so helpless as I am sure you do too. He is a good person who does bad things and I can't fix it. I love my son with all my heart, but I cannot allow him to continue to steal from my family. We will recover from the monetary losses, the missing family heirlooms, but we can never recover the trust, nor could we ever replace him. To be a good parent I believe we must do what is best for our children, and that is not always best for us. I cannot enable my child to be a bad person, I will need to keep my strength to do what I know I will have to. I don't know if this is the right answer but I now what I've been doing the last few years has not been the right answer.