I just found this website and have this feeling of relief after reading through some of the posts. I think that my husband is a compulsive liar but I am not sure...

He is an incredibly sweet man and treats me better than most other men I've been in a relationship with (why does this seem to be a recurring theme with C.L.'s?). We started out as just friends and then best friends for several years and then got married. Since we've been married (about 2.5 years) I have found out that he's lied to me about so many stupid, little things and it doesn't make any sense!!

For example right before we got married we were living in separate states, he told me that he stopped smoking. He came to my state for 2 weeks before our wedding and didn't smoke once (that I knew about). After we got married and I moved to his state, I found out that he never actually quit smoking, and that he just pretended not to smoke before we got married. I felt so incredibly deceived, I could not imagine why he would lie about something like this, he purposefully pretended not to be a smoker when in fact he was. When I finally caught him (smelling like smoke) he still denied it (but would run to the bathroom when he got home to brush his teeth and wash his hands), until I finally got it out of him. I don't care if he's a smoker (well I have concerns for his health) but I do care that he pretended to be someone he wasn't and started our marriage off on a lie...

Since then I've found out about a series of other lies. I've found out that he lies to me about drinking, about what he does with his friends (this usually involves drinking) and he will just lie about the smallest, most insignificant things. He has even gone so far as to get his friends to lie to me about the stupid lies. I also found out about some girl that he lied about (although I don't believe he cheated on me).

Most of the time, the things he lies about are just so insignificant I can't understand what the point of lying about them is! But now I feel like I can't trust him at all. And now I don't even know if I love him anymore, because the man I fell in love with was (I thought) my best friend and didn't lie to me. Now I come to find out that my "best friend" lied to me too (again over stupid things like his taste in music, things he liked to do, etc). It turns out that I don't even know the person I married. Almost every instinct I have is telling me to leave him, but I believe in the idea of marriage and commitment and it seems wrong to leave my marriage (I mean he hasn't done anything really wrong, right?).

your married to a complete stranger! How can you believe anything he says? Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship and you guys dont have that, so whats left?

If you want to stay in your marriage you guys will have to do the work to make it work. Maybe try some couseling although he may just lie to the couselor to. I guess you can tell him that he needs to be honest with you and let him know how you feel. He can take it from there, either he trys to stop or he doesnt. Whatever he does is what your answer is.

Wow! I was lied to about insignificant things for 6 years. ....I couldn't trust him and a relationship without trust is like fabric with holes in it. He lied about drinking, money, spending time with his kids, he would make other people look bad so he would look better. One time he lied to his landlord telling him that he couldn't pay his rent on time because I had had a car accident and he had to rescue me! What a lie that was. I would try to justify staying with him because he was funny, sweet and we liked to do the same things. But then he cheated on me, all the while lying about it....that was the final straw and I have had no contact. I wish now that I had ended the relationship when he told me the very first lie. They will
NOT change and most times it only gets worse. Good luck.

I feel for you, my friend. I am currently separated from my husband of 20 years because of his compulsive lying. I realized, as you did, that our entire relationship was made up of lies. I came to a point I didn't want to hear him talk any more because I didn't want to be put in a position to be lied to. I hung on for 10 years after I first noticed it. I confronted him then and ever 6-9 months since. He kept saying he didn't know why he did it and that he'd change, but that never happened. We went through a vicious cycle. I'd gently confront him on a lie, he'd deny it, and if I had proof of his lie, then he said that I misunderstood what he said.

It's now been about 9 months and it's such a relief each day to get up, help my kids, go to work and not wonder if I'm being lied to. This may sound stupid to those who haven't gone through it, but I was starting to have panic attacks because it seemed my entire foundation was turning to dust. I encouraged him to go to a therapist, back when we were trying to work it out. I was told that he is a narcissist. After researching that, and knowing that 98% of them never change, I knew it had to be over. You may want to read up on narcissism to see if those traits fit your man.

My prayers are with you, my sister. I know where you are.

I know exactly what you are going through. It has been three years for me and I just don't know what to do anymore. He is a great guy in every other way.

He lies about small things that do not matter to money/job issues that do matter.

The hardest part and also the sadest part is I no longer believe a word he says and I doubt most of the things he has told me in the past are even true. We would sit for hours on the deck and talk about things when we were kids and teenagers etc. and now I sit and wonder if any of them were even true. I am sure some are but I bet a lot made up to make himself look better.

The last time we sat outside we were listening to music and he started telling me about some concert he was at and I just stared at him and it hit me that I did not even care as I did not believe any of the story. I don't even want to be in his company sometimes so I can avoid the lies.

rvrtwngrl wrote:
I wish now that I had ended the relationship when he told me the very first lie. They will
NOT change and most times it only gets worse. Good luck.

I can not say that enough to myself. Before we were even a real couple I thought he had lied to me about something and I confronted him. He told me if I did not believe him to walk away. Oh how I wish I had followed my instincts and done so.

I was normally a trusting person but not so anymore. I don't think I will ever trust again. I know someday I will get out of this "relationship", if I even dare call it that, but until then I just keep from getting hurt by not believing a word he says. It is a crappy way to live but that is what I have to put up with for right now.

If I had the money I would leave tomorrow, hell today, but his lies has put us in such finacial ruin I have no way out right now. I am almost done paying off a loan. One I took to get us from being evicted, and I have three more payments. We are used to living without the $180 a month so I am going to sock it away to use as a security deposit and first month rent on a new place from just me and my daughter. It will take time but I will get there.

I just can't live this way anymore.

Dear In the same boat,
Your quote:

"The last time we sat outside we were listening to music and he started telling me about some concert he was at and I just stared at him and it hit me that I did not even care as I did not believe any of the story. I don't even want to be in his company sometimes so I can avoid the lies.""

I remember feeling this EXACT SAME WAY.....It got to the point where I didn't want to hear any stories because I didn't know if I could believe him or not. It took so much of my energy and thoughts just thinking about his lies!! Was what he was saying true or not? I believe you will get to a place where you don't want to be around this anymore, I know I did. Of course, I didn't end it on my own when I should have. He felt me pulling away, he pulled away all the while blaming me, of course. Then he found someone else and lied about that!! My advise to you would be to look out for yourself and your daughter and make an escape plan because I don't think this will get any better and it's a hellish way to live! I do miss him but I am much happier now knowning I know the truth!