I'm so sorry hunny. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now. Gentle hugs.

All my friends, I so appreciate and appreciate your words of encouragement and hope, as you can understand I just don't feel very encouraged or hopeful at the moment. I am safe (I might be emotionally messed up at the moment, but I am able to care for myself).

I spoke to my husband last night on the phone and it sounds like he is beginning to admit he has a sexual addiction/pathological lying problem. I don't think he's totally there yet, but it sounds like he's opening up to the admission part of it atleast. Still, that doesn't make the pain and angony feel any better for me.

The thing that bothers me about our conversation is that during it the first things he mentioned was - that we both have issues that need to be discusssed and that I brought my own set of issues (from before we were married) into this relationship, and in order for this to work we both need to be honest with each other.

I have a very acute awareness of my issues from previous life experiences I have had and I really do feel that I have recovered as best as anyone can from them, considering the nature of my life as it has been. I get the feeling he is somehow trying to divert the attention of the problem as it is at this time in our relationship on me. He says he is not and realizes that this particular sex addiction issues is his and his alone, however, I don't see or understand how our relationship issues that we have discussed over and over for all this time have anything whatsoever to do involving the discussions about this lying and sex addition and cheating and so forth. What the hell does anybody, him especially, think a person is going to feel after being lied to so severely, for so long? Anybody, even someone without a past life issue, is going to be devastated and messed up after all this. I don't get all this, it makes no sense to me.

I don't know. I am so, so confused and mixed up and twisted around...something I usually can confront and deal with. But this....this is so overwhelming I just can't keep my thoughts together.

I think he probably wants out of this marriage, although he can't admit it to himself. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore because that is a reflection on who he WANTS to be...a person that is good and caring. So leaving me with this mess in my head and my heart would totally destroy the image of himself he so wants to maintain. I don't think he really, really loves me...not as a partner or lover or wife...but more as someone that he can claim an identity with because of who I am. I don't feel like I am the one that can fill the shoes of the person he really wants to have a complete and fulfilling relationship with. I don't know. Perhaps these other woman are the type of persons that he really finds fulling and wants to have that kind of a relationshp with.

The way he had a desire and want and need to be with them foretells to me that that is his desires and wants and they, being who they are and interact with him, are the types of people that really make him happy...people he can connect with. I'm not feeling like I am that person for him. He never treated me the way he treated them...I mean with such want and expression...being friends with them and sharing and going after them. For me...I was just there. I don't know. I just don't know.

Well, that's all for now. I'm mentally and emotionally runing on empty now. I wish I could stop my head from thinking about all this, but the thoughts are all too much for me. Thanks again for your prayers. I'm trying, I am really trying...but not succeeding too much right now. Love to you all, Marie

Marie,

If you need to talk or vent your feelings you know what to do, you know that someone is always here to listen to you.

I know that you will be ok, I know that you will survive this.

Just know that its not you or something that you did that caused your husband to do this. There is something wrong inside of him that you have no control over. He has made his bed now he has to lie in it.

I know that you said that there must be something about the other women that gets his attention. If thats the case you would be better off without him anyways. You need to be with someone that loves you, for everything that you are and that wants only you. Someone that you can truly be happy with. After this storm passes you will be able to see the light again and you will smile.

You will always be ok. Your a survivor!

Dear Marie,

I read your post and was devasted at your news. Your husband is at fault and you believed in love . Good for you.

I know you are bruised right now and vulnerable and fragile but I would like you to know that your comments and advice have helped many prople and you muct not lose hope.

As a strong and brave woman you can go on and you will recover and love will shine on you again because precious flowers like you don't remain untended to for long.

Stay beautiful and don't lose hope .

All the best .

Serena

Well, I am back, although needless to say not all in one piece mentally. I am home, although not in an emotional way, simply logistics. There is just so, so much I can hardly absorb it all, in fact I dont' think I'm absorbing much of it in a conscious way at this point. I am sure there is more, more than I am not aware of that has happened over the past 18 years of my life, the fictitous life that I have lived with a partner that I did not know, at all. These kinds of people should be put away so they can never do this to another human being.

He is a pathological liar in the the clinical definition. He has signs of some sort of boarderline personality disorder, sex addiction, split personality and even dual personalities. He's paranoid, the list goes on an on. I am devastated. I suppose the reason this has made it so very difficult for me is because for years I have know and been aware that he has a anti-social personality and a tendency to fog the truth or distort it, but nothing that ever revelled this degree. I have been telling people (close friends and family) for years upon years that something just isn't right with him, BUT, have been told over and over and over again, even by professionals, it was all in my head. All in my head. Hmmm. How do you suppose that makes a person feel when their gut is telling them something that they have no proof of and everyone else, including the sick one, is telling you that YOUR the one with the problem??? I begain to actually think that it was me...that I had such deep, deep issues that perhaps I was a little on the nuts side.

I spent countless hours in therapy being told over and over again by the therapist that I was the one that had a mental block about unanswered questions and suspicions and that in fact I was the one that need help to heal this relationship. I began to feel that way too...questioning my stability. I devestated...I can't say that enough.

I look back on 18 years, from day one, and I have to erase them all, reprogram myself and detach from any emotional connection I ever had to all those days and moments and memories and rewrite the history of all those years. None of it was real or truthful. I am choosing, consciously, to not trust ever again. This is not just a reaction to this at the moment. I am making this choice. Too much has happened to me in my life to ever allow myself to trust again. I could not survive that again.

I had the strength to believe IN him and give him forgiveness in lieu of the hurt and pain. I had sincere hope for a better future, a closer relationship, a truly loving partner that appreciated me. I made allowances for his weaknesses and issues by compromising my own needs. Needs I felt he just couldn't give me because of his life history. I felt he had the desire to give me those things, but I accepted he simply couldn't and that was okay.

My God, all the lies to so may people in so many different ways. This has reached beyond just me, but family members, friends...you name it. Everyone that has ever come in contact with us as a couple has been affected by this. Even a few friends that he had from work, friends that knew the person that we all knew, they have been devestated. But then there are those the his alter ego knew and connected with that knew the other person in him. People I did not know.

I have to say that I am in fear for my safety. No, this isn't drama, this is real. The counselor herself has said that I need to be acutely aware of how I handle this. Logistically I have to stay here, and even if I didn't that still wouldn't put me out of potential harms way because people like this will hunt you down. You cannot run from them, you have to play their game until it is safe to get away. They can switch on a dime and become the Hyde that is lurking inside of them if provoked or triggered, especially since the goal, the prize (me) has been lost. This is a very sensative issue to deal with. I can only hope I handle this the right way and safely.

I had to go the other day for STD testing. I can't believe I am being forced to do this at my age. I take good care of myself and am in excellent shape for my age. I take pride in myself and now here I am being tested for diseases I can even fathom. I get the results today. I told him I went to get tested and his answer was - Will you let me know the results? What a comment huh? Shows you that I am the guinea pig here...you go get tested because I am not a human being enough to care enough to want to do it. Well, I went for myself anyway. If I am positive for anything, surely he will be too. OMG, this is going to be another tough day.

I thank you all for your support, I know it is all meant with the deepest feelings and sincerity. This is hard. I have spent the better portion of my life helping other people understand certain relationship issues and life issues and gave so much of myself to helping people have a full, wonderful life in spite of adversities and hurts. To empower them. I have bent over backwards to forgive people for their faults and transgressions and looked beyond them and focused on the good in people. I am speachless now.

I know, in my intellectual brain that this was not my fault and that I had no influence on this to have happened. I know this, fully. But the emotional part of me cannot put that aside. It just simply isn't possible at this point. There's just been too, too much damage done, not only by this, but an accumulation of many years of my life, piled on top of all this. If I hear one more time - You are a strong person, you will get through this - I am going to vomit. I already know I was a strong woman or I wouldn't have been able to survive all that I have. But there, in fact, is only so much a person can take before they just let go of it all. I am at that point...never, EVER, thought that could happen, but it has. The line, for me, has been crossed. The deed has been done. I give up, I quit and the best I can hope for at this point is that I maintain what sanity I have left. I WAS a strong person in my life...I have now been beaten down to the pulp and there is no more strength in me to feel hopeful about my future. I have run out of energy. M

Marie,

This is so sad to see you write these kind of words, when just a month ago you were full of wonderful exciting advise. You have shown me the good and the bad of a relationship and I have listened to your advice and now to see that you have sliped so far is painful.

I really hope the best for you, I dont have any advice for you I just wanted to show you that people do care and that you can always come here for support.

I am always here & will help in any way that I can.