Marie:

I am a newer person here on the site and am saddened by your story. Do take care. There is nothing wrong with immersing yourself in daily tasks on auto while you slowly come back together inside.

Thank you for your words. I am a little freaked out by similarities to my current life. I am working on counseling and building trust with someone with issues. His ability to lie keeps kicking the little voice in the back of my head. I know that you are hurting, but when you can, if you can, there are those of us here since we are in similar situations to you. If you can share some more of your story I know people like me would appreciate it.

I hope this does not sounds callous, but why not think of it like a death? When someone dies, they are gone, but our memories remain. What is the past, what are our memories do not change by the current events, the new ones just are put on top. The good, the bad, the indifferent, and inconsequential it all stays. The living accept this and move forward to keep living. That is the privilege of life. I am just a voice on the outside, but it sounds like you have a life to be proud of. I hope that through this you can still have pride in yourself.

Sawinski, thank you for your kindness. I can only asssume that for many people, like yourself, who are givers and carers, it would be hard to sense that a person who was perceived to be getting it all together, healing, repairing has fallen. I know when I come in contact with someone like that it gives me hope, but when they fail I loose hope because through osmosis kinda I try to absorb some of their energy. I hope this doesn't happen to anyone here who ever thought I gave them hope in their situations. In my situation this person that I called my husband was not at all able to be a full person. It just isn't in his psycho makeup. I now know that, but even knowing that doesn't make the pain of what has happened any better. That's my stuff.

I am so twisted around in my head. I need to be reprogrammed, literally. All I can compare it to is if someone awoke from a nightmere and told this story. It seemed to be real at the time in the nightmere and you keep going back to that nightmere to remember it, knowing it wasn't real doesn't take away the fearful feelings you had while in the dream. The difference is this nightmere left behind real tangible proof that it really did happen. It wasn't a dream...it realy happened.

BTW, the STD's? Well, thankfully HIV was negative. I have bacterial vaginosis, Herpes 1 and 2. Some other tests have not come back yet and I won't know those results until next Friday. But, I suppose with the HIV negative I can somewhat be thankful, and I am. Still, it's just another reminder of all this.

I'm sickened when I try to think of how to put my life back together. It's too soon to even do that. I flip back and forth from being so angry, to so hurt, to so confused and then numb. These feelings I hope will eventually settle down and lessen, but it doesn't make going through this process any easier, even knowing that. I just have to let it happen. The only decision I have made is that I will never trust again. Ever. That huge chunk of me is permanently closed for business. That's a choice I have made.

Yes, Jen, this is like a death and I've thought of that too. I remember when my father died, whom I was very close to, he was a very close friend to me as well as a parent. I can remember making a deal with God if he could just bring him back. I begged and pleaded with God because I missed him so much. Well, the person I was married to...no, not the person he REALLY IS, but the person I thought he was...I want THAT person back. This is so messed up, sorry. I keep tricking myself into thinking that that person was real. He was not, yet I want him back. How messed up is that? I can tell I have not yet fully accepted the reality. That's probably why I have flipped all over the place with feelings.

I am an open book. I have no valuable advice or suggestions to give anyone at this point, but if you have questions about any of this I can answer them, that's about the best I can offer at this point. I can barely figure out my own head, so to conjure up any energy to offer advice to someone else is way beyond what I am able to do at this point.

Thanks all for being there (here).

The new, yet not improved, Marie

Marie,

This is the first time I have replied to a post on this site, but I am feeling your pain straight to my heart. I know there are no words that can really help you at this time, unfortunately you will have to walk this horrible road until you again see the sun shining.....and it will shine again.

I have been in your shoes and walked a little of this road. My husband had a full fledged affair 25 years ago and even left his family for a week in order to be with what he thought was "the one". It only took him one week to realize she wasn't it. Because of children and still loving him, I allowed him to return home. It took me well over 5 years to regain trust and respect for him. Now 25 years later (42 years of marriage) I have recently found out he has been emotionally involved with my ex sister-in-law. Guess what they say is true...once a cheat, always a cheat.

But this is not about me, it's trying to bring some peace to you. What I did, and what helped me the most, the first time was I chose a time and a place...very planned out in advance..to just sit down and CRY!! I cried for hours...pouring out all the anger, resenment, hurt. I cried for the man I thought I knew and I cried for the man that he had become. I cried for my children, I cried for our parents (parents are now dead), I cried for the past and the present, I cried out of fear. What I am trying to say is I just told God I am going to let it all out right now. I asked Him when this is over, please leave me with a sense of peace, that's all I ask...and He did. From there I had to make tough decisions and walk a very hard road. Sometimes God had to pick me up and carry me over some mountains, but we made it. I have not regretted any decisions I made at that time.

So I am asking you to go somewhere alone and cry till there is nothing left, then look deep within you, find that person that you truly are and let her come back to the surface.

I know how it feels to truly love a man even when he cheats on you...true love doesn't die immediately because of infidelity. It takes time for the process to complete.

I can also tell you, this time around, my Husband is scared to death I am going to leave him. This time I have handled it with calm actions...no anger, no tears, just straight answers. I think this has scared him more than any tears or show of heartbreak could ever do.

Just stay true to yourself. You are the victim, you have done nothing wrong. Never let him pull you in the gutter he so strives in. Whatever decision you make, make it for YOU only, do what is best for you. Listen to all the advice you get but in the end you do what you want.

Please keep posting so I will know when the real Marie returns and sends us all a smile.

Hugs and tears for you,
Cathy

Marie:

Unfortunately I know very well what you are going through but for a slightly lesser degree. A quick word of advice. I was there, but for me all I had was BV. Please be careful, they will have prescribed you a very wide spectrum penicillin based antibiotic. When I was where you are, the emotional trauma made me react very very badly to the antibiotic. I got sick and feverish pretty much to the point of collapse. And yes the person who gave it to me was the one I wanted to take care of me. Stupid, but human. Do get a girlfriend or co-worker or family or someone to keep an eye on you while on the antibiotics. I know in my case I was embarrassed enough that basically I hid the fact and I am lucky I did not hurt myself, since I did black out driving.

I'll continue with another post.

---Jen

Marie:

I would appreciate hearing from you. I will say this up-front, if my position is too difficult for you, please say so and I will not post here.

I am still rather freaked out by your story, since I am basically in the position of the woman who ends up dating a copy of your husband after the divorce. What you described is so close to what ended my boyfriend's 20yr marriage. Though in his case, none of the people involved were in counseling. I do think he hit rock bottom at the point of divorce. And yes, since he had spread around BV he had to go back and face a few women and tell them they had to get tested. But at the end I think he just went into denial. One thing I probably do have to say was that in my case, I met him through work. We work for different departments, but with my job, I have personal contacts going up quite a few levels. I am a senior analyst. Why I say this, is I think a part of why my bf has faced up to a few things is that I am in a position to end his career in the company if I set my mind to it. Basically I can force accountability. Sometimes I wonder if he chose me at some level because of this.

But as I said, I am an analyst. Extremely technically minded; not too good with emotion though. I am still with him. I am on this site due to the classic case of; oh look, he left his personal email account open, what's here .... And yes he was still playing at the double life to at least some extent. With this second slap to the face he has agreed to go to counseling. Now what I am worried about is what happened to you. If someone is that charismatic and good at lying, how do you get them to face themselves? And just to compare out of curiosity, for me faced with this I decided we are going to a PhD clinical psychologist specializing in personality disorders. No that did not go over well, but I got to pick, so we are starting. But with work schedules and life I know this is a slow process. So I am here like most people, looking for hope and looking for warnings.

Take care.
--Jen
And if you have any questions for me, please ask.

And for the random readers, yes strong minded women are weak to the charismatic manipulators. There is a certain fit. If you have lived it, you know.

Just FYI, BV is not sexually transmitted, it is ones own chemistry that creates too much bacteria. Herpes however is unfortunately a STI. How horrible for you to be going through this Marie, my thoughts, prayers and strength go out to you. Your story was one of inspiration and courage when you were blogging about being a success. I am sorry that you feel duped and cheated. Nobody deserves the treatment you or anyone else gets when cheated on. Remember even tough it is the furthest thing in your mind right now. It was nothing to do with you and he is cheating and lying to everyone he meets. He has the problem. Please remember you are a beautiful and courageous woman no matter what HE does!
God Bless!!