I apologize in advance for not being able to get to the cheating part of this story right away. There's quite a bit of background info that I want to give before getting to the crux of this problem. Hopefully someone out there will be willing to wade through this all and give me some advice...

I've been in a relationship for nearly three years with a guy that I love more than anything. Most of the time, it feels like the perfect relationship. We like practically all the same things and have pretty much the same morals/principles/views in regards to EVERYTHING. Besides my boyfriend, he's also my best friend. We don't live together, but we want to get married when both of us are closer to finishing our college.

The only bad "fight" we've had happened couple of months ago when suddenly my boyfriend (We'll call him Steve) unloaded a whole load of stuff on me that he'd "kept to himself for about six months," as he said. It all boiled down to him saying he felt alone and didn't think he loved me anymore. The next day, it became "I don't love you anymore." I was shocked and crushed, and I begged him not to dump me. I feel pretty stupid in retrospect, but after that, things slowly got back to semi-normal. Steve apologized and told me he didn't mean anything he’d said and told me he loved me.

Since then we've had several arguments that built up and caused me a lot of stress. Just a few weeks ago, something in his work life happened that I and my family strongly disagreed with (Long story short: He got his lawyer involved over something when it didn't seem necessary). It turned into a pretty big deal. He blew up at me via text message and later apologized profusely, but I insisted that we take some time apart. I was just too stressed out over us butting heads a lot and my parents fussing about how what he did in regards to his job was wrong... And over something else that I'll get to shortly. I told him that I didn't want to actually break up but just thought we needed time to ourselves. He apparently thought this was my roundabout way of dumping him (I guess I can't blame him), but in the end it worked out alright. He did some major apologizing and has been unusually... love-y towards me. Like the way he was in the first year or so of our relationship. It's actually making me uncomfortable, but not without reason...

Right before the aforementioned incident, I did something bad because of a funny feeling that was nagging at me. I guessed Steve's email password and got it right on the first try. I could see all his received emails. Yes, I realize this is wrong. But I found out that Steve has an account on a personals website. When I first realized this, I was shocked, but then I shrugged it off. His profile said he'd joined in March of 2008, which was during the time that Steve was supposedly having second thoughts about me. I figured he just signed up on a whim because he didn't seem to have done anything on the site (Though it does delete messages older than 30 days). I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone signed him up as a joke. He has some internet friends that might do something like that. Still, his username on the site includes a reference to his where he lives, so I doubt anyone he plays online games with would know that. It also struck me as funny that Steve's age on the account is listed as 31. He's much younger. No other personal details are given besides his location and a really sleazy description of what he's on the site for.

I didn't see any activity on the account at first, but I kept checking it and his email daily just in case. A few days passed, and some random guy messaged Steve in-site and said, in so many words, that he's bisexual and willing to service him. Steve got the new message notification in his email account, and then he requested that his password to the site be sent to him. That same night, Steve replied to that message and said that he was bi-curious and had never done anything but wanted to change that. The guy asked him for his phone number, but I don't know if he ever gave it to him. There was a new message on the site one night, but I decided to wait and see if Steve read it first. It was gone the next morning when I checked, so I'll never know what it said.

Could Steve be looking to hook up with another male? He's never shown any signs of being interested in other men. Quite the opposite; he's your typical tough guy who uses "gay" as an insult. I was hoping he was playing some cruel joke on a stranger -- trying to get the guy's phone number and harass him. That's awful, but it'd be better than him being unfaithful. But as much as I've tried to think that it's him being an ass-hole for fun, I just can't see it being true.

Is there anything I can do besides sit back and observe? Nothing has happened with him on the site (That I can tell) since early July. I wanted to just forget about it all, but it's proving difficult. When we make out, the idea of him possibly wanting to be with a guy surfaces in the back of my mind. Should I just stop looking at the site? I kind of want to stop, but I don't know if I can now. The one person in real-life who knows about this has told me that I should never confront him about it. They said that I should never let him know that I saw what I saw or that I invaded his privacy by snooping in his email account. But how am I supposed to live like this? Sometimes I wish I had never guessed his password. But then again I'd hate to have been blissfully unaware...

I'm really in a dilemma. Any advice would be much, much appreciated.

You are in a difficult situation and whatever you decide to do might not turn out to be the right decision. But, how long can you carry on pretending you don't know anything? From experience, I would guess that his change of moods towards you is down to him having a guilty conscience. Ask yourself how long you can carry on with this charade. Yes, you did wrong to look into his e-mail account, but thankfully, you did and now you know he is not what he seems. You say you have the same principles and morals, but clearly you are wrong, so, what else are you wrong about? People are never what they seem. They are more what we want them to be and some go along with it quite well and manage to deceive us. Remember though, he can only do this if you allow him to.

If you don't want to confront him and admit you reading his e-mails, then follow him and find out where he goes when he is not with you. You have a right to know what you are dealing with. For a start, you need to know whether he is putting your health at risk.

Thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

But yes, apparently we DO have different morals, and I was simply unaware of it. Last night, I found another site he's on. It's a BDSM site. Same username he has on the other site. On his profile, he proclaims that he is bi-curious, and he lists a few details like his height, that he wears contacts, and that he's new to the "alternative" lifestyle. He says that he'd mostly like to be with women but would like to do some stuff with guys, too. Says he'd love to have a c**k in his mouth for the first time. He put the same false birthdate on there again, but he mentions that he's going to college in fall of '08 and would love to have real-life sex with someone nearby. And he uses the little <3 symbol we use when we text.

...Yeah, I'm pretty much convinced now that this IS him for sure and that this is no joke.

Steve wouldn't be putting anything but my mental and emotional health at risk. We have a physical relationship that he seems satisfied with, but we've never had sex due to our own personal beliefs and religious beliefs. But uhh... Apparently he'd like to get his fix elsewhere. I want to break up with him, but I don't know how. I'm not into this BDSM stuff or into being with someone who's bisexual. I don't mean to down anyone who likes that stuff or swings both ways, but that's not what I, personally, want in the person who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want to tell him I got into his email, but I don't know what reason to give for breaking up with him. I was thinking of telling him that I feel like he's not being honest with me, but I'm worried that might... tip him off somehow. I don't know. I've got a lot of thinking to do, I guess.

Why don't you use the classic lines like " its all your fault, you suddenly don't know what you want from life, that he is too good for you, that he deserves better etc etc It works everytime!

Hi this is a huge problem :really big.

The first thing to do is bite the bullet you are going to have to come clean it's the only way you're ever going to have piece of mind :

Look what you're doing and have done ! You have breached this man's privacy in the most abmoinable way and unless you tell him you will be even sleazier than oyu think he is .

Neither of you have the same attiude to "morals and principles" if you did you would have asked him outright why are you being so wiered . If he did his details wouldn't have been posted for all to see on a personals website . Time for straight , gut wrenching talking . It may not SAVE your relationship but frankly that was dead in the water when he said you should leave and you begged him toto say . Only because you don't knoe any different and everything was rosy and you were going to get married blah blah blah. This isn't a real relationship this is just convenience and friendship gone wrong .

If you love this man be brave enough to tell him what you did . If he loves you he will be able to forgive and evetually forget .

More serious is that he may enjoy male company in the physical more than female ;it seems he is undecided and it's not fair on either of you to continue with the prtenence of a lovey dovey time when something's wrong in the hood .

Do it now be straight , be honest and be practical . What's the point of wasting even more time on someone who's obviously sexually conflicted and wasn't really in to the relationship when he asked you to leave it .

As for this lawyer business it sounds intriguing but frankly unless it directly impacts upon YOU and YOUR family the way he conducts himself at work is his business.

Time to get real and get open .

Good luck

You owe it to this guy to be honest . It's just the kind of talk he needs . We really didn't need the graphic despcription of what he wants in him but look be honest and face the truth . You should not feel under pressure to be bi or be anything else but yourself . What you did by snooping on his emails was utterly disgraceful but you have a chance to feel better about yourself if you just be honest with him . He deserves that even if he is in a confused place right now .

Don't be angry be relievd that more time wasn't wasted pursuing a dreeam that was dead in the water to begin with .

All the best .