had been having a very emotional and intimate relationship with MM for 6 months(he's been married 10 yrs)who claimed his marriage was on the outs. ive been seperated from my husband for months, he was emotionally abusive 2 me (i've married for 9 yrs) but we're not in a huge hurry to divorce because we too have kids but i did move out and buy my own house because the atmosphere was so bad. so, i've become close with this MM and we became best friends and so much more, we have been each others world for 6 months, known each other for about a year now. he told me he and wife haven't been in love for many years, said they have little in common, probably should have never married her, don't sleep in same bed, werent each others soul mates, he gave it 1 to 2 yrs to wrap up financial stuff and let the kids get a little bit older. my issue, he told me i was everything he ever wanted, the whole package, we had incredible chemistry and friendship. saw each other 3-4 times a week and sent many texts throughout every day. she never seemed to care that he was out late. we didn't always have sex, we did many things together, lunch, movies, other stuff. Anyway, my husband hired a P.I. and busted us last week. Now, MM has completely done 360 with regards to his marriage, said he can't lose everything, wants to make marriage work, can't believe he hurt her like this, she's a good person, regrets it all, basically, never wants to see or talk to me again. he told me all of this over the phone because i had to call to see how he was doing since I had just found out he closed his email acct when i tried to send msg, i've been sick with wonder as to if he had even told her, i think he should, my H threatened to tell MM wife so MM said he had no choice, otherwise, prob would have never told her. he said he told her about us 2 nights ago but a few things bother me about this, i'm not quite sure he has even told her or will ever tell her, he also said when he confessed he told her it had only been going on for a couple of months, not 6 mo that it had, and he told her we only had sex 4 times, it has been over 30, and everywhere and anywhere we could, we were both very hot for the other. i told him if he's coming clean to give her all the details including how emotionally attached we were, how we tried to break it off but just couldn't, how long it went on, etc. I think his lying to her to try to make light of it hoping she won't leave him if she just thought it was sex, but it wasn't just that. should i make sure she has all the info? Ironic that just 4 wks ago I told him we could no longer have a sexual relationship until his marriage ended because if we were ever going to be together I wanted it to be done the right way, i was tired of the lies and knew I was getting way to close to him. but after I told him this we continued to be best friends texting and seeing each other without the sex side of the relationship. when i broke off that part of the relationship he got p/o, said he though i wanted someone else, he's always been jealous about me and other guys that might look at me twice, what nerve hugh? i feel so heartbroken, alone and empty. i would never have gotten involved in a happily married mans life but he said it was no marriage anyway. he knew i fell in love with him and i had hoped maybe our undeniable feelings and pull to each other would weather the long road of his marriage and someday i would have been willing to help him get through the stress of his divorce. i was willing to be there and wait, nonsexually but as a BF. i know in my heart he had the same feelings for me but unfortunately in the end his family, stability, kids, money, house have won out over what really makes us happy which is each other. now, we've lost each other, and so much more. so, should i make sure she has all the details or let him lie to her as he said he has possibly did me? he said he's never done this before, i know i never had. i know it would have continued had it not all came out. he wanted me to wait.

Ask yourself what your motive for telling her is.

Genuinely in her best interests do you think or is it to make yourself feel better?

If it's real and it's right it will happen when and if it is supposed to. Meantime, get on with your own issues and let them deal with theirs.

Please do not tell his wife. You have nothing to gain from this and it would only serve to unsettle his family. What have they done to you? If anything, you have behaved badly towards them by not respecting them and having an affair with their father/husband. His wife might already suspect that he plays around, but suspecting is different to actually having the confirmation.
It sounds like the ususal cliche, man is immature and doesn't appreciate what he has got. He plays around because he sees nothing wrong with it, tells lover a load of bullshit (lets face it, you might not have gone along with it if he had said that you were just his bit on the side), then when his little world is about to be rocked and he stands to lose his home and family and be forced to live in a little bedsit, he suddenly realises how much his family means to him.

Be grateful that you have got away from such a man. Feel sorry for his wife and family who are stuck with such a weak and undeserving man. Don't make it worse now by rubbing it into their faces.

i understand how you feel....

i went through a similar sitution...only mine was only an emotional affair...

i feel differently than most people...i think she should know the truth...so i would tell her.

I need to really let this go. I'm just in doubt that he has really told her and I truly feel that he should own up to what he has done and the total scope of it. I've decided not to butt-in and tell her how he has lied about me and how he made it seem like it was nothing. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and to do that would be like someone trying to kill themselves by purposely pulling out in front of a oncoming car, not knowing who's wife/husband/kids were in that car and how many lives it would affect. I've decided to live silently with the pain. I think the reason it hurts most is because I always thought I could really read people and I know in my soul that his feelings were true for me but he has decided to live a "so so" life instead of what he really wants so that he doesn't hurt his wife and kids anymore. He really is trying to do the right thing. We've totally cut off all contact from each other.

But it still hurts so much, still crying, still empty, still miss him and his friendship and understanding of me as a person. He really got me. The first man ever.

I think most couples that marry feel like they have great friendship, intimacy and tons in common. Then someday, sometime one or both spouses feel like they never loved, should not have been together so long, have nothing in common--those are feelings that change--you are a twit for getting together with a MM--wait until its over to move on and respect yourself enough to hookup with someone who has done the same. Don't be cheap, and don't go with someone cheap.