I'm trying to help my best friend, but I don't know what to tell her. She and her fiance just got engaged about a month ago, after dating for 2 years (and living together for most of that time.) He is a great guy and we all think they are perfect together. She has been incredibly happy for their entire relationship and he is extremely loyal and responsible. Recently, their computer crashed and they had someone try to recover all of their pictures, music, etc. In the end nothing of value was recovered, but the "recover" folder was filled with all the old images that had been previously intentionally deleted. My friend was looking through the 100+ folders trying to find their pictures, but instead saw porn images. She wasn't too upset by this because it was her fiance's computer for years before they were together and they've discussed this as well as that occasionally using porn is his alternative to cheating. Anyway, she also saw pictures that were taken with a camera and uploaded. They were clearly taken secretly; they were images of girls butts. She said that she could tell her fiance had taken the pictures because of a sticker on the windshield that made her realize it was inside his car (that he got a year into their relationship). He had clearly followed girls around and taken pictures without their knowing. The thing that disturbs her the most is that the pictures are of relatively young girls. She said that one set included pictures of a girl who looked about 10 or 11. She is terrified that this is a serious problem that he has. She confronted him about it and he admitted that just after they had been together for a year (which was his longest relationship yet) he started taking pics of other girls. he told her that it lasted about 2 months, and he thought it was his response to "cold feet" or something like that. he told her that one day he realized how sick it was and he realized how much it would upset and hurt her so he stopped doing it and deleted the images. (well, they came back.) she let him know that her biggest concern was that some of the girls are very young. she's told me that she's afraid that she'll never fully trust him and will always wonder what he is thinking when young girls are around...what about when they have kids??? he claims he's never done this before and he is disgusted and ashamed with himself for having done it at all. he told her that it wasn't so much sexual as an adrenaline rush, but she still is shocked that it would even cross his mind. she said he told her that he's dealt with it and it is done and he apologized for hurting her. she said she trusts that he would never act on any urges, but she is afraid that her suspicion about his thoughts could ruin their future marriage. she doesn't want to end their relationship, but she doesn't know how to deal with this. i'm the only one she'll talk to about this and i usually have pretty good advice for my friends, but on this one, i'm clueless!

Here is my reply: TELL YOUR FRIEND TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP FAST!!!!

She has a major concern? Yea, I'd say so and that would be putting it mildly.

A couple things just kinda strike me funny. The first thing is his explanation that he used porn as an alternative to cheating. There's just something weird about that rationalization. I can't quite explain it, but somewhere in there it smells somewhat like deception. Maybe lukwotim can give a better insight on this, but for me the explanation he has doesn't sit right.

The second red flag is that he was taking these pictures after a year into their relationship in a reaction on his part of cold feet? Huh? And then 1 year later they are engaged? Hmmm. I don't know this sounds immature to me. And the excuse sounds very elusive.

Third. Secretly following young girls around to take pictures of their butts is not even close to comparison of viewing porn. Secretly following anybody around and taking their pictures is bad enough...but young girls? Wayyyy big red flag right there. Have you heard of pedafiles. Some of them are ministers, politicians and upstanding citizens. Being a good person in their alter life is one of the characteristics that does not mean they are not deviant people.

Next, his saying it wasn't so much sexual as it was an adrenaline rush. Typical thing for a pedafile to say and they are very often ashamed and disgusted by the behavior they know to be wrong yet have urges for anyway and cannot control.

And finally, when a person has a problem such as alcohol, drugs and sex addicitions, it is simply passifying for them as well as those in their circle to think they have dealt with it. But what has he done to address this problem? Is he seeing a therapist, does he belong to a support group? What has he done to verify that he has dealt with it?

If she has supicions that this will haunt her and ruin he marriage...she is not listening to her gut for whatever her reasons are. Excuse me for being so harsh about this, but she, in my opinion, should definitely NOT marry this person (atleast not right now), if she does love him and he her, they need to get into pre-marital counseling right now and talk about this issue and if he refuses to do so and acknowledge the seriousness of his behavior then if it were me I would make an annonomous report to the local police about this person and return any engagement gifts she received. I know this sounds quite dramatic on first glance, but ask your friend how violated she would feel if she found out that a strange man had been following her 10 year old daughter around and secretly taking pictures of her butt. My hope is that she would be at the police station in an instant, rightfully so. Tell her that those pictures that he took are of someone's child. That should put this in a clear perspective for her and easily help her to make a decision.

This kind of stuff isn't just a slap on that hand, oopps I'm sorry, I won't do that again kind of thing. This is big, major stuff here. M

It's me again. I talked with my friend about the advice that you've given and she feels like there's more to it. It's not that simple. Her fiance grew up with only older sisters and a mother, no male figures. He has told her that when he was growing up and first became interested in sex he thought that there was something wrong with him. He was always very secretive about his sexuality and felt ashamed by it...he didn't have his first kiss until college. My friend seems to think that this little spurt of interest in younger girls was because at the age when it would have been appropriate to be interested in girls that age, he felt the need to repress those feelings. I have to say this seems to make sense. Now that he is in a serious and healty relationship, he no longer feels the need to repress his feelings and maybe that was his way of letting go of that. Her stance is that he is over it. She asked me, "if you were with someone who had a medical childhood illness or had overcome some type of addiction, would you hold that against him now?" I see what she's saying because her fiance struggled with something but is now ready to be in a normal healty relationship. She agreed that if he had ever done anything more than take pictures of girls in public then she would have taken much more drastic action, but she doesn't want to end their relationship over a "skeleton in his closet that he thought he'd never see again". (Again, this only came up at all because all the images that had been deleted from his computer over the past few years were recovered after their computer crashed.) She wants to know if it's possible to just move on and leave this in their past. I know how much he means to her (and vice versa) so I want to tell her that if she trusts him and believes that this is something from the past that is completely irrelevant now then they should try to move on, but i don't know much about pedophilia. Is what he did considered a pedophile action? Is there any kind of semi-normal explanation, like the one that she reasoned? Hypothetically, if this issue never came up again and he never acted on any urge he might have and/or never again had that type of urge could this just be dropped?

!!!

Wow!

Tell your friend to leave this relationship, or at least, do not marry him until more information is uncovered.

Marie is right, his rationalization of porn instead of cheating is quite ...well retarded. It's a ridiculous explanation that your friend is buying, and she needs to realize that.

In essence, he's saying that he would cheat, but instead chooses to use porn, so your friend should somehow feel special that he is choosing porn instead of cheating.

Although I agree porn is used to stimulate a sexual desire that may be lacking at some point, I do not believe using it as an alternative to cheating is something she should accept.

What happens when he doesn't feel like watching porn anymore? Does he go down his alternative list?...

Secondly, this man is following extremely young girls around and taking pictures of them. Not just of them, of their asses. That's a HUGE red flag right there. Just as the other posters stated, that's textbook behavior of a pedophile. The only thing he hasn't done yet (to your friends knowledge) is act upon his ...urge, for lack of a better word.

After hearing his explanation (needing to surpress his sexuality at a young age, then being able to express it) is ridiculous. Another explanation that shouldn't be accepted.

People can't diagnose themselves. Even shrinks need shrinks. You can't hope to explain his pedophile behavior with that explanation. Not only can people not diagnose themselves, but that explanation is flawed.

So he had to surpress his sexuality at a young age. Now that he's older, he's hid the fact that he was taking pictures of young children's bottoms, and somehow that is connected? Is this guy trying to say that because he had to hid his sexuality when he was younger, he believes he's attracted to young children and needs to hide it? Or he is just catching up on what he missed when he was younger, and still hiding it?

This guys excuses are extremely unsettling, and the way he's trying to explain everything should really bother your friend. If she really does love him, then like the other posters said, counceling is a must. However, I would really urge your friend to cut her losses and get out of this relationship, as a relationship to a pedophile is not a relationship at all. She deserves better.

And, of course he was only caught when the computer crashed. You've been mislead for the better part of your relationship. Although I believe in forgiveness for some, and understanding of actions, this man would get neither from me. What he's doing is simply wrong, and his explanations are just hurried responses that your friend is desperately trying to believe. Maybe deep down he is a good man. But also, maybe your friend has been dating a pedophile this entire time.

In a healthy relationship, would you even have to question something like this??

This is obviously something she is trying to rationalize because to see it for what it is would be too traumatic. I don't care what problems this man has had in his past or difficulties he had during adolecsence or puberty. Even given that he had these issues, his behavior is completely and totaly unacceptable and his way of dealing with those issues are bandaides, temporarily. This kind of thing really strikes a big cord for me because I have dealt with the victims of these kinds of people, some of them young children and some of them adult victims of this and it makes me cringe.

She needs to educate herself on this and take her blinders off and see the reality. No matter what damage has been done to him in growing up, his behavior now, as an adult, is totaly unacceptable from start to finish. M