Interesting enough.

I guess I don't understand this whole situation all that clearly.

You don't mind him masturbating, but you want to control how he does it? You don't mind if he's not with you to masturbate, but he can't watch anything graphical?

Can I offer a different perspective?

Firstly, men are stimulated by looking. Although some men have great imaginations and others do not, most men get stimulated by simply seeing something attractive, or the act of sex. Watching a porn and masturbating to it because his loved one is gone is natural. You may not want him to watch porn because for some odd reason, you feel he will stray or something?

Secondly, a meaningless kiss on the lips to an old friend on New Years is simply that, a meaningless kiss. Yes, you do reserve the right to tell him that you don't like that and to never do it again. However, if you do not doubt his love, then why do you doubt his intentions of a friendly peck on the lips?

I've kissed old girl - friends on the lips many a time, and it's a strictly platonic relationship. There were no feelings, there were no "0oo0 a kiss" type feelings. It was simply a gesture of closeness. Although we do not know the whole story, if it really was just a meaningless peck, I think it should be treated as such.

In all honesty, it seems you love control, and by holding all of these small incidents over his head, you are in control of the relationship. This is not a dictatorship, this is a partnership.

You may disregard my opinion anyway you like, but I suggest that you love this man for who he is. Make some compromises and grow together. Discuss boundaries each of you have, then work from there.

I agree with the previous posters and I only have one point to add.

I have also been terrorized by men in the past. Very few people know about it. But, I would not expect my partner to modify their behavior - unless they were horribly insensitive in that regard - because of my prior experience. Particularly given that watching porn and masturbating really has nothing to do with you - it is not a reflection upon you. It is my sense that you have not gotten to a place of peace with what happened. I do not think that it will do you any good now or in the future to project that hurt onto other via expectations. Undoubtedly, people will fail to meet your expectations (because we are all human) and you will continually feel hurt. Unless that is something that you want (and there are people out there that do need/create chaos or put themselves in the victim role) then I would work through what happened.

As mentioned above, it sounds like you really want to control everything. Maybe that stems from the feelings of helplessness from that event.

Please try not to take what is being said as an attack. We are all here to learn and grow. We are all here to cry, lean on one another and offer support.

As a fellow survivor of human brutality...

AILA

@Sawinski

hi, it's me, the girlfriend again. I am sorry I attacked you, I felt attacked and the reason for it is that my boyfriend simply presented quite a few things wrong here that sounded "silly" to you. I am very far from that, I think. I know a lot about controlling, addictions and so on.
My boyfriend agreed to get counselling with me, mainly about the lies. This is what he has to change.

The part why I don't trust him anymore is simply because he tried to counseal those things so hard. He put so much effort in this (e.g. making up whole stories why he would never do it). It's very easy to explain, if someone tries so hard it creates the feeling inside of the partner who has been lied to, that there is always more to it.

And as for the boundaries. He knows them very well and I made sure to get a good relationship started where honesty is no problem at all and where we respect our personal soft and vulnerable points inside of each other. And for me this point is porns, strip clubs and so on. I was in therapy for a long time, I had my past. he knows all about it, he agreed to it. Now I felt let down.

Okay, I don't have a problem if people enjoy porns. Inside of me it just creates certain emotions and negative feelings, i can't handle that. On the other hand - can it be so difficult for a man to simply not watch porns?

Men are not generally "like" that, it just developed over the years. I don't think the first human beings started of making their women dance around the fire and strip. Or whatever. I think survival and family bound came first and I believe that graphical sexuality just started when the survival was more or less secured and human had time to start to think about something else. Maybe they were just bored when they didn't have to hunt anymore.
I am saying this because I want to underline that a man does not NEED it. It doesn't mean a man would just fall over and die or lose his sexual drive or slip into a big depression, he can just fill the whole of it with something else and keep the sex in bed (or wherever) with his girlfriend. A lot of times porns are just supplement for boredom and/or frustration. But there are also other things that exist in this world about boredom and frustration. A man does not need it, it might create some endorphins in him but I personally feel a bit weird if he turns me around in bed and bends my legs all the way up because of what he has seen somewhere. I just wonder why sex has such a high value nowadays, it seems overrated. It can also go without porns and still be awesome. I am not asexual or uptight. It's just my opinion, it annoys me to see how sex always is everywhere around. sex sells and we (mainly men) buy. As for singles ok, but I don't see the point of it when you found someone you love and have good sex with.

hi lukowtim.

I don't think i mentioned the kiss as a big problem. My boyfriend broke up because he felt so guilty and he couldn't tell me. he also was very very frustrated due to that for months. i wish (whatever it is) that he can just be honest if he feels he has to. if he feels guilty about it, it might has a higher value to him and was not just a goodbye kiss.

i don't mind a goodbye kiss. just wonder why he felt so damn guilty about it, maybe it's more to it.
And i was annoyed that this girl contacted him on valentines and still writes dodge messages sometimes. I know she still loves him, everyone knows, maybe he likes the attention? anyhow, he told her now that she should please respect that he is with me now. I am glad he did and I love him for that and I am over it. I just hope all there was was really only a goodbye kiss, but I have to make my peace with it because he says that's all that happened and I try to trust him although a little part in my brain wonders why it made him feel so incredible guilty that he broke up if it really only was a goodbye kiss.

I am not controlling, I was probably the most peaceful "hippy" in the first 4/5 months of our relationship. I just became controlling after more and more lies came out. I can't even recall them all. I am scared if I let my guard down he is gonna carry on. that's why we need counselling.

@ everyone: thanks for the opinions, help and advice.

To the girlfriend,


I do understand & see your point in everything that you said. This is kinda strange that your boyfriend started the post and now your finishing it.

You have mentioned several times about his lies, have you read this site? Its very good to read and well tell you lots of things about how to deal with a liar. Its good to hear that you guys are seeking couseling, hopefully it works. All I can say is that he needs to want to change otherwise he never will.

I wish you all the luck and sorry about the rocky start!

Hi boyfriend again, sorry about the mess in this thread.

I do appreciate your help, but I also have to defend my girlfriend a bit. I have been doing some really nasty stuff towards her, which I really deeply regret and I have finally understood how much it hurt her. Some of you said she is trying to control me too much, which I also thought sometimes when I was frustrated. But I think she has the right, considering her past and what I did to her. Although we both agreed that she will try to trust me more in the future and see the new real me and I really think that is gonna happen with us both going to counseling.

As I said in my first post, this is my first serious relationship and I am still learning, but I'm confident now that we can work it out, with honesty, love and a lot of hard work. It took me a while to accept that I have a problem, or even two (lying plus porn).

We have discussed whether I have a problem with porn or not, in the beginning, I said no, that's ridiculous, but now I understand that it's not a healthy behavior for this relationship.
OK I don't sit up late at night to watch porn alone, but I did it several times when we were apart and knew it wasn't right but still did it, which is bad enough.
And we now have an appointment so I can talk to someone professional about it.

So by making my boundaries clear, my gf can try to let her guard down more and more and me working on my problems, all these previous mistakes can be avoided in the future.

Thats it from me, Thanks for your input.