I am writing as an attempt to try save my relationship.
It is indeed a long post, hopefully someone have the energy to read through it.

I'm 23 years old and last year I meet a wonderful girl who I fell in love with. This is my first real relationship. We had 3 wonderful months together, then she had to go home for 2 months. We talked a lot on the phone and texted each other when we couldn't talk on the phone. I have always believed that cheating is a horrible thing, and thought I would never do that. But I watched porn during this period and didn't really understand how much I damaged my relationship, I don't want to blame it on the lack of experience from being together with someone, but I wasn't sure what were the "rules" when partners were separated.

She came back and everything was fine again, I had no thoughts at all to watch porn when I was with her.

She was away for a week and one night I followed a two friends to the local strip joint to drink some beer. I have "only" been to a strip club once before, in Vegas when I was wasted. I know it sounds pathetic but I went there to drink beer and talk to my buddy, I had no desire to look at the one dancer on stage( we were sitting at the bar).
For some reason I didn't see the problem with this and told her what we did when she came back.
Of course it struck her very hard, and she was really sad.
She asked my about the porn and I said, not since we were together. Which is not completely true.

Next screw up came at Christmas, I went home to see my family so we were apart for 2.5 weeks, and I watched porn during that time a couple of times.
When I picked her up at the bus station, she asked about porn and I said no.

I hosted a party at New Years eve, a lot of my old friends and family, plus my girlfriend. She felt neglected that night, because I was so busy with hosting the party and talking to old friends. But the third big screw up happened later that night, I said good bye to an old friend, she has been in love with me for some years, I was standing outside with her, and another friend of her. Talked for a minute and then kissed her good bye, but on the mouth, just a quick one but very much in the wrong place. I didn’t realize that this was inappropriate until weeks later, I will come back to this later.


Later when we were back together, we talked about what happened and I admitted to what I had done, almost everything. I was stupid enough to think that by telling her everything, it would make it worse. I didn’t understand that a big part of the problem was the lying and the concealing. So now everything was really going down the drain. She was of course really disappointed and was having a really tough time trusting me, her trust level for me was about zero. Some months after that, we had a discussion about this again, and I told her everything, every little detail.
Which I think was a step in the right direction, we were OK after that but we were once again separated for 6 weeks, her visa ended.

I don’t really remember when I realized that the kiss at New Years eve was a mistake and not OK in a relationship, but it was really getting to me during this period, I felt really guilty but I didn’t want to talk about it on the phone with her, so I decided to tell next time I saw her.
I was confident that things were gonna get better during this period, no more screw ups, no more porn, no more lies etc. Which did not seem like a hard task, but somehow I manage to fail, again. I was going to watch a movie by myself, and picked a Hollywood movie with some nudity. I got aroused during the movie and touched myself a bit. After the movie I masturbated while thinking of my girlfriend. I also watched another action movie that had some nudity that made me aroused. But the first one I picked partly because of the nudity. We talked on the phone during this time and I didn’t tell her about it.


During this period, I felt guiltier about New Years Eve for every day that passed. I was at home for a couple of days before I went to her, I invited some of my old friends for dinner, I promised them a big party for my birthday, but a couple of months earlier, I promised my girlfriend to not have a party, because last time there was a party, she felt very neglected. I had totally forgotten about this promise.

I met up with her and thought everything was going to be OK now, but we still fought quite a lot and she found out about the party, another let down. I had a hard time enjoying myself because of the New Years Eve thing, I really wanted to tell her what happened but I was scared that it would end everything. We went on a trip with her parents and had some fights, during one of those fights, I got a text message from the girl from New Years Eve, we have been friends for a long time so it wasn’t anything weird with that, she asked when we would come home etc. Later that day we made up and it didn’t occur to me that I need to tell her about the message, two days later she found out and we had a fight again.


One day we had a terrible fight and I lost hope, I decided to end everything, told her she would be better off without me, I only bring pain to her life and the lie that was eating me from inside. I booked my flight and was ready to go, decided that all the bad things I did to her, she at least deserved the truth, she has been saying that I been hiding something for her, she felt it. I told her about the kiss on New Year´s Eve. This struck her very hard of course, but more the concealing than the kiss. I slept in the RV that night, later that night she came to the RV and me talked for a long time and I also told her about the movies I watched. We decided to make a fresh start without lies, porn and that kind of behavior.

I am still trying hard to fix this, starting this thread is one of the steps we decided for, also to make a list with things I need to work on, and things that are really not OK in a relationship. Similar to a 12 step program from AA. I am gonna call a counseling therapist on Monday. It looks really bad when I read through what I have done, but I know that I can be honest to my partner and live without porn. I am gonna fight.

Is there hope for me?

Will she ever be able to trust me?

Thanks.

Hi, it's me again. I re-read what I wrote and would like to correct a few things. First about the movie. The ratings for it did not just say "some nudity" it actually said "strong sexuality, nudity and language" and this is the reason why I watched it. I would also like to add that I don't see a problem in it because it is just a normal movie although I picked it for the sex in it whereas my girlfriend believes it was a supplement because I am still tempted to see graphical sex. And yes I was also tempted to see more (porn) during that period but didn't. I also didn't just touch myself during the movie, I actually masturbated and I was excited before I watched the movie which was probably the reason I picked it.

The other things are that when my girlfriend left I promised her more than once that all kind of graphical sex, all temptation, all porns and pictures and what else goes in the same direction is over, that I was disgusted by it and never wanted to see it again. She asked whether or not I was aware of what the things that are ok or not and I said "yes, everything that leads into a certain direction is over and she wouldn't have to worry." But I didn't think that picking a movie to see some sexual content would be a problem although I didn't tell her that I watched movies with sex in it alone in my room. I said I only watched one with others, never mentioned the masturbation part.

Also I would like to add that whenever she asked me about porn before I told her I didn't only lie but made up stories like "of course not, I would never do something like that. this is over, you don't have to worry at all." I also told her that I still had some pictures on my hard drive from before her time but the truth was I had them on my computer in a hidden folder. When I told her about porns I said that I only watched pictures but no movies and that I didn't have any, of course I did watch movies.


Anyhow, I know this is a lot but please help me, I think my girlfriend is losing feelings for me and I am not sure what to do. I regret it all and I want to change the part with the lies. My girlfriend is not trusting me anymore at all and she thinks the movie proves that I could still be triggered in the future and she doesn't believe me when I say I am over it.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose my girlfriend.

Why make promises you can't keep? You keep setting yourself up by putting your self in situations that are tempting then getting upset when you give into that temptation. You are young and as much as you enjoy the benefits of a relationship maybe you aren't ready for a commitment yet. Maybe you want to sew some wild oats. The key here is to be honest with yourself. It also sounds like you keep testing your girlfriend to see how much she is willing to accept. Start being honest with yourself and put a stop to this behavior of doing something that you secretly want to then lying about it. You are young enough to recognize and stop this before it becomes an engrained habit.

This sounds so silly to me. 1st off your girlfriend should realize that porn & masterbation is natural, it happens. Would she rather you watch porn of cheat? Have you ever asked her if she wants to watch with you? Is this something that you do on a daily basis or is this every once in awhile? I guess I dont understand all of this. To me this is nothing to break up over. You need to talk to her and find out what the boundries are, what can you do and cant do without hurting her.

The 1st thing is to stop lying, that gets you know where. All the other stuff is silly. I cant say it enough! She is mad because you masterbated? Seriously? I would say that i would rather my husband visit 'rosie' rather than another women. You have got to sit down and talk about this with her. There is no reason that you cant watch a movie with nudity in it. Does she have insecurity issues? Maybe couseling would do you both some good.

I do agree that the lying would hurt more than the porn would but why would she always ask you about it? You have to find out why this hurts her so much.

The new years kiss, I agree that was wrong. The way you describe it isnt really that bad but you probably shouldnt have done that. I would just tell this girl that you have been friends with for sometime that things are different now because you have a girlfriend & the old relationship that you guys had is going to have to change in order to make your girlfriend feel comfortable with the realtionship.

All in all this is all so silly, I have a solutiion for you, stop lying & talk about your boundries within the relationship. Maybe you should invite her to joy in the fun and then maybe she will understand why you watch it.

Hi there!

I am the girlfriend. I don't have a problem with masturbation but prefer that he doesn't stare at other pussys while he is doing it and maybe not everyday because he knows about my personal experiences with men and agreed to accept it. I have a problem with lying and the way my boyfriend presents me in front of others (see above).

half of what he worte up there is not even the half truth.
so, where is the point if he can't even be honest about this. I don't think i am silly to claim certain things because they would hurt me (related to my previous experiences) and i never told him that he can't masturbate while we are away from each other, i know it's normal and neccessary but it doesn't have to be extreme. and yes, porns don't have to be part of it, so much to my own dignity as a woman.

he lied about a lot more than he wrote about and he only works on our relationship when I confront him with leaving.

thanks for your advice though, although it is quite hard to hear. hope you feel better now that you know, i had previous problems with sex and that my boyfriend in this case knows about it (i got almost raped) and i think he could be a bit more sensitive to that.

with the parts of the lies i agree, it shouldn't be this way. i was always easy going on free sexualtity but not on lies and if he would have told me in the first time i asked him about porns i might would have just told him i don't want it in this relationship and that would be it. but i only found out about everything step by step.
do you really believe by the way it is ok to go into a stripbar where you know you can get aroused? because it happened before..

cool, i am not one of those girls that think he can get the appetite somewhere else and eat at home. I rather believe that my boyfriend should respect me in my individuality and treat old wounds carefully.

1st off all I have to go off of is what he wrote. There is no need to attact me over what I said. I wrote what I did based off what he wrote.

The past problems that you are writing about I can relate to and understand. Almost for you is a reality for me, does that make sense! Dont use that as a tool to gain control of a situation. Trust me it doesnt work, years of pain follow with that and your boyfriend will never understand. My past is much more damaging and is in my face every night. You need to seek couseling or let it go otherwise you will never have a relationship. The only thing your boyfriend can do is try to be understand but that doesnt mean that he has to change who he is.

Everyone has there own oppinion.I think its ok to watch pron, my husband & I watch it together. It makes things exciting sometimes. As for the strip club I would go with my husband, your right I wouldnt want him going by himself.

I dont think that watching porn is disrespecting you. He is staying at home getting his kicks by himself. Again I say porn or cheating? I guess I have learned to pick and chose my battles. Life is hard and love is even harder and when you love someone you compromise, both ways!

I understand your frustration with the lies because I dont handle those well either, make sense. he needs to be up front and honest then maybe you would be a little more forgiving. Like I told him, just tell him whats ok and whats not. If something makes you uncomfortable tell him. If he continues and he lies then I dont know what to tell you.

Again all I went off of was what he wrote, so dont down size me or attact me. Your boyfriend is the one you have the problem with, not me!


Remember, when you love someone you have to love them for EVERYTHING. You cant change someone, they are who they are And if you cant live with parts of that person then maybe you should find someone else. My husband has parts of him that i dont like but I love him so deeply that even the bad sides of him are still good. I dont know if that makes sense to you.