As with many of you, my life has been turned upside down by various levels of deception. In trying to better understand my role in the events as they transpired, I have been reading a couple different books on self-improvement. They all really seem to boil down to having faith in a higher power and finding a greater purpose for oneself.

That's great and all, but these books seem to talk about several of the same concepts. I am having a hard time with 2 of them: forgiveness and fear.

I have been with my guy for over a year. In that time I have done nothing but forgive his misdeeds and try to believe his lies, until he crossed a line…and then crossed it again. If I forgive him now - is that not just repeating a pattern that has only served to crush me in the long run? Is forgiveness always the best route? Or, is it that forgiveness is something that happens within yourself - regardless of the other person. There are some days when I feel that in my heart I have forgiven him...but, I get so angry at times that I feel that I could not possibly have forgiven him.

Couple that with the fear aspect. The books all talk about how fear is crippling and is the root of so much evil in this world. And, I would agree with that. In fact, I think that most people cheat because of some deep rooted fear. However, I have not really considered myself a person that allowed fear to control my life. I moved across the US, away from all my friends and family to a place where I did not know anyone. I just really don't have a problem throwing everything out there and seeing what happens. I have no real fear of being alone. But, when I thought about it more, I realized that I have had a hard time giving myself completely to someone in a relationship because of my fears from my childhood - basically of rejection and abandonment, etc. You name it, I got it. But, I never cheated and I felt as though I have truly loved with all my heart. That’s why it hurts so much that it’s broken. I think that I get to that point of openness, but it takes me longer.

I have been trampled on by those closest to me for most of my life. And it is funny because after all that, I so desperately just want someone to confide in, someone to trust and love, and someone that will take care of me. But, I find myself taking care of others and I fight being taken care of. Again - that is the fear that I will depend upon someone and they will let me down. And, he did let me down…so, should I have been more afraid? Should I have been more distant so that his cheating would not be so utterly crushing?

I felt really close to my guy in the beginning - but, once he started hurting me I could feel myself slowly closing off. But, then he would show signs of change and I would slowly open up again. He is still my closest friend. How that is possible I don't know.

So, I am trying to balance the fear that makes me cautious to truly love and be vulnerable to someone and the fear that I feel now, that is the fear of exposing myself to someone that has hurt me time and time again.

Every single night, I hope that he shows up at my door - even though I fear being hurt again. I fear being made a fool again... But every night I wait for the knock on my door – or the text telling me that he is outside. I don't want fear to rule my life - but, I would be a fool to just jump right back in or to get married. Maybe some fear is good, it makes me more cautious.

I have been in a hotel for over 2 months looking for clarity, waiting for signs and working on my own growth. Clearly, in my heart I am not done with this relationship. But, how does one balance forgiveness with fear? How does one balance the good fear (or caution) with the not so good fear?

Anyone else feel this way?

AILA

I have a different perspective to offer you.

I, too, was recently involved in a relationship riddled with deception, to the point where it became unclear as to who I really was dating. Without diving into details, I finally cut off all ties with her, and 3 months later, I feel as if I'm finally beginning to get back to where I was before I ever met her.

Although self improvement books are something I do suggest for casual reading, I also would like to stress that self improvement books are all interpreted in different ways. Like you stated, for some bizarre reason, most of them follow in the path of forgiving and finding a greater purpose in yourself.

I agree with what the books have to offer, but the underlying subject that I've found in each and every book is re-installing self confidence.

You don't need to believe in a higher power to be perfectly happy with your existence. You don't need to forgive the person who has caused you hurt and try to "understand" their actions to be able to move on. What IS needed is to realize how precious you are, and to respect that.

You have to rediscover yourself, quite literally. You mentioned how your ex is still somehow your best friend. You've alienated yourself from family and friends, as you also mentioned, and the only familiarity you have with your old self is him.

Cut it off. Sever that lifeline, because today is a new day for you. Do not keep in contact with him, regardless of what you may fool yourself into thinking. You were perfectly fine before you met him, and I can personally guarantee with some self discovery, you will be perfectly fine without him. You won't ever forget what has happened in your life, but you've also learned what you will not tolerate in your life again.

Find new friends, or become reacquainted with some older friends, ones that supported you before you met your current ex. Start riding that bike you always wanted to, take that vacation that you denied yourself, and find yourself that hobby that made you smile. Soon enough, you'll realize that you don't need him to be happy, and you sure as hell can be sad without him making you sad.

Relationships are supposed to be a bond with someone who compliments your existence. He obviously doesn't and he doesn't deserve the attention you give him, nor does he deserve the wishful thinking that you are allowing him. Do not sit and hope he texts you. Change your number and talk to that cute guy you see at a coffee shop. Who knows, he may be your next best friend, or relationship, although I recommend you take some time off.

Become comfortable with yourself again. An exercise a wise man once told me to do, as foolish as it may sound, is something I'd like for you to try, and really put your heart into it.

Make sure you'll be uninterrupted for at least 20 minutes. Go into your bathroom, or bedroom, and stare into the mirror at yourself. The first few minutes, you'll feel really foolish. The next few minutes, you'll be come comfortable actually looking at yourself. Then, the remaining minutes will let you know how you feel about yourself. Really look at yourself and reminisce about past experiences. You'll find, as most people do, that you won't be able to look at yourself very long and stay happy. The reason being, is because you aren't happy with who you see in that mirror. The last few minutes of this exercise, you need to think about what it would take for you to be able to look into that mirror and be proud about the person staring back at you.

Then, focus your attention on what you wanted to change about yourself. Do you want to be more independent? Do it, today is the day to start. Would you like to be more fit? Start today. Have you wondered what it would like to be a different hair color? Go dye it right now. Get out of the norm you are used to, because the norm you are used to having is not respecting yourself and your emotional needs.

I hope the best for you and in a few months, when you have rediscovered yourself and living life to the fullest, I want you to smile and remember, there ARE people out there who care for you. I am one of them.

That is AWESOME-Everything you said is so true and I appreciate you saying it!!! I needed to hear it.

Lukowtim - thank you so very much for your heartfelt and caring post. I have read it several times since you posted it and I have been chewing it around. I have not really known how to respond.

I agree with you 100% percent that I need to find myself and my center again. I know that I lost myself as I tried to please him and make things better. I sacrificed making friends and going out on a social level because he was insecure about my fidelity (funny, huh?).

The point that I keep wavering on is whether he and I could learn and grow and cry - together. I know that there will be different paths that we will have to take at times as we work on individual issues - but, does it necessarily have to be a walk alone? I know that road will be hard - either way. I just don't know what to do and I get so many different ideas, fears and hopes swimming through my head.

Again, I love what you said - and I agree. It is very hard to look in the mirror...I need to change that.

Thank you so much...

AILA

AloneinLA--The most difficult thing to endure is realizing that someone we trust has betrayed us, betrayed our trust. Forgiveness does not equal acceptance. See every time you forgive him and stay in the relationship you are sending the message to him that you have accepted his behavior, that it is ok to treat you with disrespect and disregard. Moving on is scary, change is scary, but staying in a relationship where you are repeatedly betrayed is destructive to your self esteem. Your issues are not the cause of his betrayal. He made a conscious choice to cheat. Yes every time you accept his betrayal and stay you are setting yourself up for more hurt. He has shown you who he is no matter what he says. Learn to work on your self esteem, set boundaries, know what you will not accept, don't wait to be taken care of, take care of yourself. Read about codependency. When you learn to stop needing his validation to feel complete you will be able to end the relationship and at that point you won't feel afraid of being rejected or abandoned because you will realize you deserve to be treated with respect and having him in your life won't be necessary. You are valuable and you matter.

Alone in LA wrote:
The point that I keep wavering on is whether he and I could learn and grow and cry - together. I know that there will be different paths that we will have to take at times as we work on individual issues - but, does it necessarily have to be a walk alone? I know that road will be hard - either way.

You may not of realized it, but this is why those self help books constantly speak of finding God or some higher calling in yourself.

Walking down a road yourself is extremely tough and even gets you questioning whether or not you need to. However, those books realize that if you walk down that road with God, it makes the walk easier and the destination clearer.

No book will ever be able to tell you whether or not the person your with is the person you need to be with for the rest of your life. That's something you need to find out yourself. However, don't be afraid to be a "new you". You'd be amazed at some of the things you can accomplish with just yourself.