Ok... I am the one who did the cheating. I am the one who betrayed my partner/lover/bestfriend.... I don't even think I have a right to ask this but I am at the end of my rope.
My question- Please tell me that things will get better. That she will be able to look at me the way she did before I betrayed her. That with the self help work, inner reflection, and therapy I am enduring she will one day be able to do that again.
I know this is something I need to do for me and for any future relationship I hope to have, I mean healthy relationship, but I also know I am only coming to terms
with these issues because of her. FOR HER as much if not more than for myself. I know "do it for yourself" blah blah blah. Fact is She makes me a better
man. I am a better person everyday she allows me to be near her. Does that mean I was a monster to begin with?

your first step is to accept responsability for what you have done, which it sounds like you have done. After that its up to her. You just have to try to do everything that she wants you to and if she really wants to make things work with you then maybe one day you can have her back. Until then hang in there and hope for the best. If nothing else you learned your lesson and you know what NOT to do next time.

After 36 years of marriage, and a whole lot off 'dealing with it' (still on-going), the best hope I can give you is that if she also sees you as her partner/lover/bestfriend she will surely also want to try to make things right again. But she will need a lot of help, and probably a counsellor or therapist to help her understand why these things happen, and where you are coming from.

What I could tell her from my experience is that it is possible to go on forgiving, and loving, someone who behaves very badly if you believe they are serious about wanting to change, and have sufficient positive aspects. The depressing thing about this site is the fact that so many people are happy to go on treating their partners with contempt, and also that so few people seem to be able to fight for something worth having. The optimistic side is that we can gain a bit of insight, and that can only help the decision-making and healing processes.

In your case, you are the key. If you want her, you will change, with outside help. If you fail, then the consequences will be predictable. I know that people who are fundamentally good can do very bad things, and hurt more than just their partners. The fact that you want to save your relationship is in your favour, but in addition to working at your own behaviour, you must show a great deal of patience as your partner works through her grief and apprehension.

If you do get through the immediate situation, work VERY hard at the 'healthy relationship' advice. Good luck!

Thanks SAW and LILY.
The advice is greatly appreciated.
LILY is right about this site.
Amazed that some of these people causing the damage continue to do it without what appears to be a conscience.
I dont want to me the person in a marriage and hurting my wife of 5, 10, 20 years or whatever. I dont want my kids to grow up the way I did.
You are right about the patience(LILY). I have to learn to
suffer the verbal slaps in the face and I know I created this mess and must endure it for however long it takes her to heal. I will admit that there are days when I think she will never accept me again and it makes me want to quit and
move on. Then I realize I am only feeling sorry for myself and correcting my behavior is the least I owe myself and the woman I cherish.

Hi Almost,

Hang on...I am dangling there with you at the very end of my rope. I was the one betrayed by my partner/lover/best friend. Unless you intended to hurt her, it does not make you a monster. If you continue to hurt her and take advantage of her kindness if she gives you another chance...then maybe.

It is impossible to do - but try to put yourself in her shoes. Ask yourself, what would it take for you to try again? What would you want her to do? What would you need her to do? Really think about those questions...

No matter how much you love someone - there comes a point when you may have to walk away from a hurtful situation. Why? Because true love should not cause you to rot from the inside out.

I WISH that I knew what to tell my guy to do to make it better. I pray all of the time that I will figure out what needs to be done to fix this. I bet your girl does not know either. Sometimes I think that a break and then long vacation together or SOMETHING would be good - that way when we come back together we can make a NEW commitment. He never actually committed to me so this time - he would really commit...and I would do my best to believe him and he would do his best to SHOW me and be transparent and understanding. I know it won't be easy.

BUT, whatever you do - stay true if she comes back or opens the door. I know from experience how painful and down right humbling it can be when you open your heart (even a little) and your bed to someone that has professed to change, has professed his love, has told you that you are his world...and then you catch him with someone else. Honestly, that was somehow more painful than the first (several) instances of deception. He took advantage of my kindness and belief in goodness. He took advantage of my kindness and belief in goodness - he was only thinking of himself and his needs. It was the supreme act of selfishness directly at my expense.

I had to dig down in my soul to determine that I loved him enough to let him try again and to expose myself to being hurt again...and he abused that chance and me. So now, I am digging way down in my soul again, and I just don't know if there is anything left. I'm empty and broken - maybe all the goodness that I had in me oozed out with the last blow.

If you love her, don't do this to your girl - it's not fair. Do the work that you need to do FOR YOU - because there are times that she will be out of town or that you will be fighting or whatever...and that can't be the excuse or reason for your faltering. You need to come to a determination within yourself that this behavior is unacceptable to YOU. Regardless of whether the woman in you life would accept it. You could find someone else with lower self esteem that may accept that behavior. So, while your girl may be a catalyst for opening your eyes and searching your soul - she can't be the REASON that you change. But, she just may be in the light at the end of the tunnel...

I FIRMLY believe that you need to be alone while you do this work. You can't be dating and distracting yourself from your mission. If you are going to do it...do it. Scream - cry - journal...whatever. You need to learn how to cope without "filling" your time. You are also acting selfishly toward others if you use them as a distraction and have no intentions with them. Not a nice way to begin the path toward being a better person.

After you do the work - go find her and don't give up even if she pushes you away initially. Remember, she is hurt too. Show her the new you...the you that was always there, but that you were too afraid to show her. Confess to everything - start a clean slate. Tell her how you plan to be different. It will be a "new" you to her - and it may take her a while to trust that it is actually a new you. Over time, you will show her that you have changed...and then - things will get better.

Treat her like the woman that you adore! EVERYDAY take the time put in the extra effort. Valentine's day does not mean so much when you feel special all year round. I remember waiting for Valentine's day because I knew that it was the one day of th year that he would actually think of me. And, he got books mainly for himself...it hurt. It was the one day that I thought I might get a little romance.

I wish you all the best. It sounds like you are hurting, rest assured - she is hurting too. Try to be patient with her and know that much of what she says comes from a place of pain - so it won't be nice. But, if she wants you to grow FOR YOU and offers to hold your hand through the process (to some degree - even minimally) than I think she has not let go of you entirely and she still hopes.

I don't know - sorry. I have been rambling. Your post just touched me and reminded me of my guy and my situation.

Good luck,
AILA

Hi AE,

I have just been pretty down and it made me think of your post looking for some hope. I'm looking for some hope too.

You did not respond to my last post here - just curious how things are going for you. I hope things are getting better for you.

Good luck,
AILA