I was involved with a somebody who I believe to be a CL for nearly a year. I'm very direct, honest , speak my mind etc.. But also was very nice the times I confronted him. I was assertive and spoke about his behavior, and what I didn't like about it (how his words conflicted his actions among other things) and he still chose to lie. How is his problem, mine? How did I encourage him to lie to me? How did I ask for it? There so many times he lied and lied to me about so much stuff, and while pretending everything was OK between us. However whenever I make a mistake he puts me on mute for nearly a month and avoids me. It hurts and he won't notice me, just "sits there" and ignores me. Yet, he can do no wrong. He never treated me as though we were together. I got excuse, after excuse after excuse.

And lie after lie after lie (while all the while claiming he doesn't lie) yet now that I've made a mistake,I'm not worthy to even be told I did anything wrong let alone be treated as though I actually exist. This is his way of letting me know its over? Right ever he lead me to believe that things are OK. He runs to avoid confrontation and now I'm finding it very difficult to get closure and move on. I keep blaming myself, if I haven't done this or that. that things would be OK. If I could have just accepted him for who he is, I wouldn't have given him any reason to do this (i know that isn't true, a liar, lies because that's who they are, but its' something i still have a hard time struggling to overcome).

Compulsive lying comes from a fear within that person that has nothing to do with you. Try your best not to internalize and blame yourself. I am working on this myself - so you are not alone. It is natural to doubt yourself and your actions. You should NEVER have to accept a liar. At a minimum in this life - I believe that we deserve honesty from our partners - even if it hurts.

He is responsible for the lies that come out of his mouth and he is responsible for the pain that they cause. Period. Just as you would be responsible for your lies and the ultimate ripple effect. I have to ask...when you say that he jumps on you for your "mistakes" - what mistakes are you making? Are you lying? Are you being unfaithful?

Unless you are treating him the same way he is treating you, it sounds like he is projecting his guilt and issues on you. For example...I am madly in love with my guy. So much so that there have been times that I have done risky things recently because I just can't stand the thought of going on without him in my life. After sacrificing a lot for him and the relationship, after always being there when he needed me, after SHOWING him love and caring, he still doubts me. It got to the point where he was following me around... It is really not good stuff. But, it occurred to me one day that for someone that has trust issues and that is unfaithful themselves - it would be natural for that person to assume the same behavior in others.

And, to a degree, I think it makes him feel better about what he has done by thinking that I may be just as bad. For as odd as that sounds, I think that is the case. I have always offered to show him or prove to him where I was. I never wanted trust to be an issue. I had nothing to hide and if that was what I needed to do to show him the person that I am - then ok...he NEVER made such offers...he had things to hide.

He accused me of going to a singles event. It BLEW my mind. It was at a place that I have never been to, but he said he had proof. He refuses to show me the proof or tell me the day/night I was supposedly there - because I would want to SHOW him, maybe with receipts or something that I was somewhere else. But, he won't allow me to do that. He does not want to know the truth that I was not there and that I have been completely faithful. Why? I don't know. Maybe that makes him feel worse about what he has done. Maybe it has helped him feel justified all along.

I fear that I have gone into a tangent...In any event, I think that by pointing the finger at us - it distracts us and it helps them not feel so bad and possibly feel justified in their behavior.

Keep your head up - it will get better. Try to see his accusations for what they are. Eventually, you will be able to look in the mirror and know that you did nothing to wrong him and that you deserved better.

Best of luck,
AILA

Thanks for responding .

The thing is, I don't know of any mistakes I actually have made. I only assume I have, because he will tell me things are OK, he knows he can talk to me if I upset etc..., but then he puts me on mute for days or weeks at a time,avoiding me. All he will do is imply by running away for weeks on end, seemingly ignoring me. So, when I say mistakes, I mean I can only assume that I did something wrong judging by his behavior.

Recently, when he up and disappeared on me for 2 weeks without any word, I made the comment "oh, I must be single now" and pretended as though I was happy to try to get his attention, since being nice doesn't always work with him He had the never to accuse me of being nasty by saying that. Not even looking at his part in anything.We did talk about that and I thought that we cleared things up.


Well, now the silent treatment has gotten worse and for longer periods of time. He is "there" but "not" if that makes sense. The few times I do manage to get his attention, he is nice and seems happy I'm talking to him (for that moment), but then puts me on mute again and seemingly runs away, emotionally. Is he a control freak!? I know he's got pretty low self-esteem because of his childhood, so I view this silent treatment as a form of manipulation and control. But I really don't know how to much more I can take. It hurts and is driving me nuts.

Hi there!

Well, I hate to say it - but, as I was reading your post I just kept thinking about his maturity level. I have not been in a relationship where the other person would not talk to me or could not express his emotions on SOME level since probably high school. It is one thing to need to walk away to cool off during a fight or to take a few days think things out - but to ignore you for weeks - without you having committed some big mistake, strikes me as very odd.

(Don't get me wrong - a choice to take a break in a relationship is different. It is a step back to get clarity, etc. but it is not a punishment).

I think that there could be several reasons for him to feel the need to act that way. As you mentioned it is probably partly self-esteem. Possibly he is afraid to communicate his upset for fear that you will reject him or that you will see him as being weak in some capacity. Maybe he is afraid of getting too close to you. Regardless of the REASON, he has not developed the coping and communication skills that one needs in order to be in a committed relationship. If he is going to continue to run away - nothing will get solved - ever.

You know - maybe he just does not care all that much. Maybe when he cuts you off, he is out with someone else and he comes back when things don't pan out. I have no idea. I am just playing devil's advocate and offering different perspectives. All too often I think that we make excuses and try to see the bright side. I know that I am that way. And, while it makes me a better person in the long run - it hurts me like hell in the day to day things that I accept from others assuming they mean something different or better. No...he could a actually be playing you. And, he has shown you that either 1. he does not care enough to work with you thorough the issues and/or 2. he does not have a capacity or skill to communicate his upset and hurt, however rational.

He needs to focus on himself. You can't fix him. So, you need to figure out if you want to live with that treatment the rest of your life. If yes, great - invest in tissue. If no, walk away. BUT, I would be very detailed and honest as to why I was leaving. If he does not know why or really understand, he can never learn and try to grow from it. If he changes and finds out why he lies and learns to communicate - then, you can decide to give him another chance.

No one deserves to be ignored. Reclaim your life and your energy. You should not have to pretend to be something you are not because "being nice does not always work with him." That sucks! If you are a nice person - be a nice person - but be it to someone that will appreciate it!

Don't play his game - you give your power to him when you do so.

Best of luck!
AILA