Hi Dan,

I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with that type of treatment. It sounds like you are a very nice guy. You have made sacrifices because of her car issues, etc. There are many women out there that would truly appreciate you and your efforts.

I had a couple thoughts as I was reading your post. First of all, it was a huge red flag for me when you said that she is a self-proclaimed cheater - but she said that she hasn't wanted to do that with you [yet]... Yes, I immediately thought "yet." That is extremely concerning to me because, that seems to indicate a pattern of behavior. That is a whole sting of men that she has completely disregarded and disrespected. That is a clear indication that she likely has boundary issues and does not respect monogamy. No offense, but what makes you think you are any different than those prior guys?

I believe that people can change. I do! I am really very deeply in love with my guy - but, I am not at a place where I can trust him and he is not at a place where he has learned completely WHY he cheated and pushed me away and HOW he plans to CHANGE in the long term. But, my point is that - a self-proclaimed cheater, a self-proclaimed deceitful person, a self-proclaimed disrespectful and unfaithful person - will never change UNLESS they do the work and look deeply inside themselves to figure out WHY they act that way. And my guess is that - someone who has done the hard work of digging through their soul and facing their demons - would be someone that would approach the subject of cheating differently. There may be shame or remorse - but, if nothing else there would be an understanding that what they did was wrong and hurtful. There would be an understanding of the consequences and some lessons learned.

It does not sound like that is the case here. It seems as though she may be less likely to cheat when you are attentive and she is not stimulated elsewhere. But, just wait until you are busy at work or until you are not able to spend almost all of your time together. Cheating is part opportunity - but even larger part the core values that person holds.

For example, I see intelligent and attractive men everyday at work and I am hit on frequently. BUT, even when things were going horribly HORRIBLY between my guy and I - it never occurred to me to cheat or give my number or anything like that. That is not the person that I am. I respected him and our union - even when he was disrespecting me. Maybe that makes me a fool... But, I just did not see it as an option. I saw my options as either trying harder or leaving - not involving others. But, a cheater does not think that way. My guy was acting the opposite...that was because he had things that he needed (and needs) to work through. Some would even say that I would have been "justified" in doing so - but, I didn't and I had no desire to. I do not agree with the "eye for an eye" mentality - I feel that you lower yourself to their level. I chose to put my time and energy into our relationship - even when I knew that things were going awry. BUT, if I was a cheater or if I had been a cheater in the past and I had not gotten to the root of my issues - I would have been more likely to have strayed. So, if she "used to cheat" and she has not gone through some serious therapy or soul searching - then, it is only a matter of time in my opinion. Life will always throw obstacles in your path, you need to be with someone that will be faithful when they are alone, tempted or struggling as well as when you are together and when times are good.

Were it me - I would confront her with the text message log. I would do so in an open non-accusatory fashion. Letting her know that truth is the best policy and that you could work past it if she would just be honest (if you can work past it...). Try to help her feel safe and hopefully she will open up. That is clearly a deception that you need to address or it will eat away at you and you will start watching her. Ignorance is bliss...but once someone raises your attention to their misdeeds - there can be no more ignorance. No matter how hard you try.

If she continues to lie or turns the fight toward you - I would cut and run. If you want to continue and she shows remorse - even though she cheated in my book - I would encourage her to go to counseling and try to figure out why she did what she did. I would also give her ample space to work through her issues. Beware...if she shows hesitation toward facing her demons - I would leave. You can't make her change; she has to WANT to - for herself, not you.

I begged my guy for almost a year to be open and honest and to look within himself - to no avail. But now, since I left him, he has really been working on himself. And, I am so proud of him. My heart sores at the thought of his growing and his being able to be a faithful loving person. On the other toss of the coin, I try to keep my distance until he SHOWS me that, because I do not know if he will ever be able to be that faithful person that I am destined to marry.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Best of luck - I really hope that she drinks. Best of luck to all of us...

AILA