i lied to my husband this morning. then i admitted it. and he's mad and untrusting. i lied about a $70 necklace i bought for myself earlier this month. told him "i'd had it for a while" even though he's never seen it. then I retracted adn told him i recently bought it and felt guilty for buying it b/c we've been going beyond our budget this summer. i pay the bills, he doesn't, so i see our money dwindling, but it still bought the necklace. so why did i lie? he doesn't fuss at me for spending money. he doesn't even know we're breaking our budget. but, he caught me in a lie. he's mad, and i feel stupid. how can i repair this?

Hi Jen,

I am probably the wrong person to respond to this post - ...yet I find myself typing. When you lie you poke holes in the foundation of the relationship.

Realistically, your husband could be worrying that if you would lie about something trivial - what big things are you lying about? I would think that.

I have had some pretty big lies come my way over the last year. He wants to try to prove that he is changing and that he can be an honest person. The only thing that I have been able to think of to tell him is that he (you) need to figure out why you lied. That is the only way that you will be able to change or be more aware.

For something small like that there may not be a big reason. If there have been other small lies - be honest with yourself and try to see if there is a pattern. Once you have a better idea "why" - I would communicate that with your husband. It will help him understand - to whatever degree. The hardest part about being lied to is the complete inability to understand WHY the one that you love (and that professes to love you) would do that. Help him clarify that question.

Then, I would go out of my way to let him know everything that I bought. I would leave credit card receipts or statements in plain view. Whatever it takes – maybe ask him what he wants you to do in order to prove yourself. Even to the point where it annoys him - until he asks me to stop being so open. You need to give him time and let him come around after understanding why and seeing your effort.

Best of luck,
AILA

First thing I'd do is take the necklace back, if that's even possible to do at this point. And I'd make a point of telling your husband that even though you are sorry for lying, that you are even more aware of how you went beyond the lies...actually you were being selfish. It's okay to want things that we can't afford, but when we put our needs before the good of financial budgets and responsibilities it becomes a selfish act. This is assuming that your husband adheres to the budget you have agreed upon. If he doesn't, well then that puts a whole different spin on things.

In any event, maybe you could find a way to agree on a certain dollar amount, even a small dollar amount, that would be acceptable to both of you as being your own pocket money that you can spend any way you wish, without regret or having to lie about it or hide the purchases. We all deserve to have something nice that makes up feel good once in a while...even a splurge can sometimes be a good thing, but only if done on the up ad up and agreed upon.

If you can't return the necklace and the spent money is an issues, perhaps you can try to sell it on e-bay or something. I'd be trying to make good on realizing you really shouldn't be spending money you dont' have.M