A viewer, who recently married a compulsive liar, is looking for success stories.

Anyone care to offer their advice or insight - looking for success stories

Hi,

I found this website when I thought I was finally over with the man I have been living with for three years. Three years of lies, alcohol abuse, porn addiction, and more. I actually told him to get out of my house, I had had enough. Long story short, he wouldn't leave, claims to love me enough to get help. He had tried counseling and it helped a little but it was not enough, besides I don't believe he could be honest with the counselor so it couldn't have helped much anyways. Talking about the situation with my mom, she suggested AA. I hadn't really thought of it, drinking wasn't his only problem and honestly I thought I was done with the relationship. But he wanted a list from me of things he could do to start rebuilding my trust so one of the things on my list was to start going to AA meetings. I couldn't believe how much difference this made in him. They gave him a book that he reads religiously and he finds so much in that book that really makes him see himself in the mirror as well as give him hope and encouragement that he can do better. He goes to a meeting every day, and it IS that important. AA is not just for alcoholics, it is for anyone suffering any kind of addiction issues and my honey suffers from just about all but drug. As long as he continues with this program and continues to work on our relationship I am being as supportive and understanding as I can because no matter how much he has hurt me, those were actions he did while he was sick and now he's getting better which is what I have wanted all along. As I said, when I first came to this website I was reading all of the posts and thinking, there is no hope, I need to move on like so many women are saying, and self-preservation is definitely important. If there is any hope at all, if you know deep in your heart that you love this man and you have made a commitment, than consider trying to get him the help he needs. Also, Al-anon meetings definitely are great for helping us deal with our side of the relationship and there are lots of people out there that have been there, understand what you are going through and can give you real advice and support. Even if you are not going to stay in the relationship that brought you here, you need to find out for yourself why you have gotten into this relationship and learn what makes you a co-dependant or enabler so that you can stop being such, otherwise you will continue to find that same man over and over. It's not just the men who have the problem, it is also us who enable/accept them.

I have years of experience with this issue. I have been divorced from an alcoholic, after 15 years of marriage. With everything I'm going through now I sometimes I think I didn't give my first husband enough support and encouragement to get the help he really needed. That will forever haunt me. I did love him, I have two children with him, divorce destroys so many lives and I will always regret not having tried harder. Now I don't want to make the same mistake over again. Please, if you love yourself and you love your man, make sure you have done everything you can before you give up, because you don't want to live with regrets and there is always hope!

Hi TIH,

Your post brought me to tears (still crying actually). I have been struggling with that same point of whether or not to walk away and whether I will regret it forever deeply in my soul.

You are right - the majority of the posts are based on self-preservation - which is entirely valid. In truth, I believe that most people can't or won't change. Let's face it; change at your core is one of the hardest things to do. But, there is always that little voice in my heart that says - "but, maybe HE can. Maybe love will find a way." And, I hold on and I fight and I cry. And, I got more lies and deception. But, then just as I began to convince myself that I must move on...he was actually trying and I almost felt/feel like I don't know him...in a good way. He wasn’t always the nicest guy and he was never very open.

I have no children with this man. We are not married. So, anything that would cause auxiliary regrets are not present – this issue is simply between he and I. He did propose though. I guess we are engaged - but, not. I'm just as confused as you are...

I appreciate your post. It helps temper some of the "cut and run" posts.

Thank you for the AA suggestion. I think that I will look into that and similar groups. A 12 step program might be an excellent idea.

Thank you...
AILA

Hi AILA

It was really wonderful to hear that I had touched someone else, that something I had posted had made a difference and helped someone. Thank you for letting me know!

Good luck, and please let me know how everything works out! Even if he never goes for help (but I bet with your support he will) there are plenty of people out there willing to help you, remember that! You're not alone.

Take care!

TIH
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TIH,

Thank you so much for responding with your story of hope! I asked the moderator to post this question weeks ago and had just about given up on a positive response.

Your timing is amazing because I was just to the point of actually finding an apartment for myself and my daughter and bailing on my husband because I couldn't take the lack of trust and constant stress.

Ironically, he did come clean with me on a lie that he told last week and he said he wanted to change. He said he would work hard on it and he made an appt with a therapist and kept it.

I do believe he is trying and I plan to stick it out for now. I bailed on my first marriage when things seemed impossible and I sometimes regret and feel guilty about that still.

I love my husband and our family and I hope and pray that I will have a success story to share in the future as well.

Thank you again, know that your story touched another person who desperately needed to hear it.

-J

Hi MIL,

I hope everything works out for you, I am glad to have helped in any way. You have so many reasons not to leave, first and foremost having a child involved. If he doesn't get help though, and seriously wants to change then for her sake you will need to move on, you don't want her to grow up thinking this is how all men are.

I am so glad to hear he is going to therapy. Be prepared to deal with a lot of pent-up issues, maybe even stuff you never knew about. It wasn't until my divorce was almost final that my ex finally opened up to me about having been sexually molested as a child. I thought I knew everything about him. So many things made so much sense after finding that out. I was already getting divorced though, didn't want to deal with it, just couldn't give him anymore of myself. This I will always regret.

I'm still taking things day by day here, but the AA meetings have made such a difference I can't help but hope that more people find this kind of support, and believe that things can get better.