hi there. i think that i am at the end of my rope here. My boyfriend is leading this secret life. sometimes i have money going missing out of my wallet and i know nobody else has access to my wallet, he periodically goes on these little walks that take up to an hour, he takes like 3-5 showers a day, he has taken our rent without me knowing and spending it on him and when we get an eviction notice is when he tells me what he did. i don't know I find all these cocaine flaps in his jeans and in places that only myself and 3 old people have access to. I have my brothers friends telling me that he was doing coc. help me try and either catch him or leave him

Are you sure your ready to just walk out on him? You dont think that maybe supporting him and offering him help would change anything?

I am going to tell you this, coming from a recovering drug addict myself. If you just walk out on him then he will continue to use and one day he will end up in jail or dead. Is that what you want to see happen to him? How long have you been together? Do you love this guy? If you love him then you need to do whatever you can to help him. You have got to talk to him about what this is doing to you and to himself. I am not saying that this will work but its worth a try. He has to want to stop otherwise he wont. I know for me it took something big to get me out of that and it wasnt easy. I have been sober for 5 years and I still struggle with it. You need to look at this as a disease, something that he cant control and he needs help to get it under control. Have you ever had an addiction to drugs? I used drugs for 10 years and put myself and my family through a whole mess of crap, trust me him taking some money is nothing compaired to what it could be. If you have never suffered from this disease then you will never be able to understand the control it has over you. Most addicts know what they are doing but just cant stop and believe me they are in just as much pain as you are. Have you tried to talk to him about treatment? Look up your neighborhood NA (Narcotics Annonymous) program, find the location & times and talk to him about going with him to the meetings. The NA meetings are wonderful and so supportive, those people will relate and care for him in a way that you cant.

WARNING! Try to talk to him when he is sober and not high! Dont push him, just talk to him. This is a touchy situation and you have to be patient otherwise he will go right back to the powder. It takes a strong person to stick by a drug addict, it takes a lot of love to continue to stick with them. So if you dont love this guy or dont have the patience then non of this will work for you.

Think about it this way do you want to leave and find out one day that he is dead because of this or would you rather he seek treatment.

Now I am not saying to stick with him forever while he continues to use. What I am saying is that you need to offer him the help he needs and if he wont take the help then you should leave. You have to give it some time though, you have to put a real effort in before leaving. Dont be so quick to give up, people have relapses and have a really hard time recovering from this. There will be good and bad days, the bad days will be unbarable but if you love this guy you will stick with it.

I wish you all the luck.

Sawinski is right. But know, right up front, what you are in for. It takes a whole ton of work and patience and determination to stick it out for the long haul with an addict. They can test your patience beyond what you might think. If you have one foot in and one foot out you will loose the battle before you even begin.

I don't know what it would be like to be in a partnership relationship with an addict, but my daughter was an addict of many types of drugs for 10 years (15 thru 24). It tested my strength beyond what I ever thought I could endure. It was so, so hard. But I was completely determined that I was NOT going to NOT be there for her when she was ready to get clean. The first rule I had for me to stick with it was that no matter how bad things got I was going to do and say things that let her know I believed in her that she could come clean. I was NOT going to give up.

If I may, I'd like to give you an example of what I mean. One winter (she was 16) she was admitted into a drug rehab. It was a bitter cold winter that year. She wanted nothing to do with me and was angry with me that I had her admitted. When she was released I wanted to see her, talk to her, let her know I am here for her. The demand she had was that if I picked her up when she was released I had to drop her off in a city park. She was not coming home. I know that chances were slim to none that I could convince her to come home, but nonetheless I was going to try. So I agreed to her conditions. I picked her up, gave her my best words of encouragement I could think of, knowing that she may not come home with me anyway. In the end I did in fact end up dropping her off on a park bench in 20 degree weather and drove off without her. I watched her from my rearview mirror sitting there with nothing more than a sweatshirt and a paper bag. Broke my heart. But before I left her I told her when she was ready to come home call me and I would be there in a second.

She's cost me a fortune in bail and stolen goods and money theft and endless sleepless nights filled with tears and fear for her life. I clearly set boundaries for what I would tollerate in our home and what I would not, but always, ALWAYS, left the door open when she was ready to try to get clean. It's taken 10 years, but finally she is clean and healthy and living a life that is set on being a good human being. When everyone else had given up on her and chose to say - I'm outta here - I let her know, without conditions, that I was NOT ever going to give up.

It's a tough, tough road, but be aware of what you commit to because I think the worse thing a person can do for an addict is given them false hope that when you say you will be there for them and then you aren't they loose hope themselves. If you don't think you can make that commitment then it's unfair to them to have them think you will be...because when they really need you, you will not be available. My best hopes for success to both of you. M