Ok, so my boyfriend and I have had problems for a while and we have been together a little over a year. In the beginning of our relationship I felt that he was acting weird with his phone and I asked him about it. He said that he was not doing anything wrong and that I could look through his phone anytime. So, one day I did. Turns out he was sending completely inappropriate text messages to girls. When I confronted him we got into a big fight but he said that he did not see a real problem with it and that he was just kidding. I told him that was cheating in my book and he agreed not to do it again. So, in my mind, we defined some important boundaries. I was wrong.

Over the course of the year that we were together, there were several incidents that slowly chipped away at the trust that we had. He would hide his phone, he had women’s numbers saved in the notes section of his phone, he would go out after work and lie about it. He set up a MySpace page and lied about it - on the page he said that he was single. That whole year any time I brought anything up, he would point the finger at me as being crazy and he would say hurtful things. It was always my fault and my issue. He was never to blame.

But, the kicker was 2 months ago when it turned out that one of the women that he was hitting on worked with me. The cat was out of the bag and I was humiliated in front of a group of people at work. We lived together and I moved out that same day while he was at work. He always underestimated me and never thought that I would, or could, be so empowered. Maybe he never knew me at all.

So now, everything that I own is in storage and I am living in a hotel. He and I have talked and he has admitted to most things. He has apologized and stated that he is committed to change. But, he does not have a plan. Yes, he is trying to be nicer and doing little sweet things - but, honestly, I would have thought that if someone that really wanted someone back they would fight tooth and nail until they made things right. I know I would. I would sweep that person off their feet to let them know how special they are and how much they mean to me.

The thing is, he is very selfish - clearly. I prepared all his meals and took care of him the best that I could... I bent over backwards to help him and he rarely showed any appreciation. He and I have been through hell with financial and job issues - and I always stood by his side. He never wanted to take me out or do most anything that I wanted to do. That is part of why it was so crushing that he would go out with other friends (or whatever). He has said that that one woman was the only person that he pursued, but how can I believe that? I don't.

I am so sad. In part, I am having a hard time forgiving myself for accepting such poor treatment. And, in part, I am devastated that he could lie to my face for a year. And now that I have left the door open for him to try to make it up to me or prove that he is committed to change, he is so lackadaisical about it. I just don't know what to think or feel. He rolls his eyes when I bring it up so I know that he is "tired" of it, but generally he is amenable to talking about it. He has started to be the boyfriend that I have deserved all along - but, that is not enough. I can and do appreciate his change in demeanor, actions and sensitivity, and if he had not screwed with me for a year and lied to me - he would be doing really well. Even with all that…I don’t see my life without him.

Any thoughts? Am I a fool?

Can someone change? If so, how can they show that? How can someone work toward change?

What can he do to make it up to me?

Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I do not have anyone that I can talk to about this. I just really want to hear what some of you might have to say about this situation.

Many thanks in advance...

Ok I guess I dont understand why you want someone back that is so selfish and uncaring. He lies to you, doesnt want to do the things you want to do. He rolls his eyes when you want to talk about it. I dont understand why you would want to go back to that. I understand loving someone and being blinded by love, but you dont sound like your blind. To me it seems that you see him for what he is and maybe that is all you get. This nice side of him that you are seeing right now is because he will do whatever it takes to get you back and once he as completed that task he will be back to his normal selfish self.

Now I know that what I have said is easier said then done when you love someone. To be completely honest when I am mad at my husband I think all of those things about him to but I stay so I understand that its hard. I am not saying to leave him or even to stay, no one can make that decision for you.

There is no easy answer to your question. he has to want to prove it to you. He has no right to be "tired" of talking about it because if he wants to save your relationship then he will have to talk about it. You said that he isnt really fighting tooth and nail for you, isnt that a clue that maybe he just doenst really care. I know that if something was to happen with my husband & I that I would be fighting to the death to get him back. there is no way I am going to let him just walk out of my life. There is so many ways this could go, no one can tell you what to do or whats going to happen you have to let this unfold in its own time and you have to make the decision yourself.

You will know if you want him back or not, you will be able to feel it. You also said that YOU have left the door open for him, why? Why didnt you just leave and let him come try to open the "door"? To me it sounds kinda like you basically threatned him by leaving and now you want him to run after you and chase you until you get swept off your feet. In real life that doesnt normally happen, relationships are hard and they take a lot of work. This sweeping you off your feet like they do in the movies is nothing like real life, that is one thing you will learn.

Good luck, not sure if I helped just kinda rambled!

Girl, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

You know you deserve better treatment. There are many men out there who are very charming, nice, and NOT self-centered.

First, you need to give yourself and big hug and congratulate yourself for getting out of that mess.

Second, you need to cut off contact with him. Although you may love him, from what you've written, he does not love you. Lying and calling you crazy for a year, when you were right all along, is insane. This man clearly does not appreciate you.

You've asked what he can do to make it up? That's something only you can answer. In my opinion, this man does not deserve you and in the end, nothing short of completely dedicating the rest of his life to you would be able to undo what he has done.

Just remember, this is not the first time you've been in love, and it certainly won't be the last.

Thank you for your responses! I really appreciate your thoughts. I know, I feel stupid too for letting it go on for as long as it did.

Sawinski, I think that you are partially true when you say that I was waiting to be swept off my feet. But, not in a movie style sense. I wanted him to be romantic and woo me back – that is true, but mostly I was waiting for him to SHOW me that he had changed or was COMMITTED to change. I don't know what I was waiting for quite honestly. I think that if he had started going to therapy (individual and then asked me to join for couples therapy) that would have been a good step. I tried to get him to go to therapy for months. He was depressed a lot of the time as well. Maybe you are right - maybe I saw too many "running through the airport to catch the girl before she leaves" - movies. But, I think I am worth that. I don't have a self-esteem issue (well, I do but it seems to manifest itself in different ways) where I feel like I NEED to be with someone. I am quite happy alone, to a fault actually. I never had a problem leaving someone that did not treat me with the utmost of respect and I was really picky. Then, a;; of the sudden, I find myself madly in love with someone that is lies to me, cheats on me, never compliments me unless I bring it up, (I could go on and on) – and it is so uncharacteristic of me to stay with someone like that… I do not know what it is in my heart or soul or what that draws me to this person that most people would have left months ago! I can see that. I am not stupid. Maybe I am just too optimistic and hopeful - and I wind up shooting myself in the foot...

Does anyone else have the problem of trying to see the best in people and hoping that people actually CAN change if they apply themselves? I know that is why I stuck around so long. I kept seeing changes in him so it has been hard for me to walk away. I don't want to leave the man that I love and always wonder. But, at what point will he have pushed me too far. I know that no one can answer those questions for me – but they just keep swirling around in my head. Maybe I will just always have some degree of wonder and maybe that is another weight that I will carry.

I am just devastated.

Thank you again for your feedback.

Warmly,
AILA

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Sawinski wrote:

QUOTE:
Ok I guess I dont understand why you want someone back that is so selfish and uncaring. He lies to you, doesnt want to do the things you want to do. He rolls his eyes when you want to talk about it. I dont understand why you would want to go back to that. I understand loving someone and being blinded by love, but you dont sound like your blind. To me it seems that you see him for what he is and maybe that is all you get. This nice side of him that you are seeing right now is because he will do whatever it takes to get you back and once he as completed that task he will be back to his normal selfish self.

Now I know that what I have said is easier said then done when you love someone. To be completely honest when I am mad at my husband I think all of those things about him to but I stay so I understand that its hard. I am not saying to leave him or even to stay, no one can make that decision for you.

There is no easy answer to your question. he has to want to prove it to you. He has no right to be "tired" of talking about it because if he wants to save your relationship then he will have to talk about it. You said that he isnt really fighting tooth and nail for you, isnt that a clue that maybe he just doenst really care. I know that if something was to happen with my husband & I that I would be fighting to the death to get him back. there is no way I am going to let him just walk out of my life. There is so many ways this could go, no one can tell you what to do or whats going to happen you have to let this unfold in its own time and you have to make the decision yourself.

You will know if you want him back or not, you will be able to feel it. You also said that YOU have left the door open for him, why? Why didnt you just leave and let him come try to open the "door"? To me it sounds kinda like you basically threatned him by leaving and now you want him to run after you and chase you until you get swept off your feet. In real life that doesnt normally happen, relationships are hard and they take a lot of work. This sweeping you off your feet like they do in the movies is nothing like real life, that is one thing you will learn.

Good luck, not sure if I helped just kinda rambled!

I to married a man that is completely different then any other man that i have ever dated before and there were a lot of things about him in the beginning that bothered me. As time went on I feel in love with him and those things didnt seem to bother me anymore. He had bad habbits and he could be nasty to me. But again over time I have watched him slowly change, I am not sure if it was the relationship that did it or the fact that he grew up but whatever it was I am thankful.

I do believe that someone can change, if THEY want to. I never once told my husband to change he just kinda did. If your guy wants to change he will, on his time, when he is ready.

If you love this guy and you want to continue with him then you have to lay it out there for him and either he takes it or he doesnt.

I wish you all the luck, things will work out one way or the other.

Thank you again - it has been really helpful discussing some of this. There are a couple of recent updates that I have been hesitant to post, I don't know why. I am sobbing right now so please excuse my stream of consciousness post.

A week ago Sunday I decided that we needed to take a break - and not communicate. The purpose for this was so that we could gain some clarity. And, so that he could see, without me and my influence, what he wanted and what he was willing to do to get it. I really wanted it to be a time of growth for both us. He agreed.

I asked him if he needed to see other people during that time - he said no. I agreed that I did not want to see other people either. Anyway, his birthday was on Wed., and I felt bad that I would not be able to be with him on his birthday. So, Tue. night I went by the house to drop off a bag of goodies (candy, movies, popcorn, cards, etc). Anyway...he was in the bedroom with another woman - lights off. He would not answer the door for a long time. When she finally came out she confirmed that they were on a date. It was ugly after that. At that moment I was done with him. My heart closed entirely and I really thought that I just might die right then and there. In truth, a part of me did. How could I be so stupid AGAIN? Why do I keep giving someone who disrespects me more chances to hurt me?? I thought I was smarter than that.

Anyway, come Wed. I am crying and vomiting all day at work. He called me and tricked me into meeting him by my work. I did and he proposed to me. Ring and all. I told him that I could not accept it. He has since refused to take it back.

I can't lie; there was a part of me that was so flattered and excited. But, I was also extremely insulted. I am so disappointed that he would propose to me when he knows that I can't throw my arms around him and accept. He ruined my first proposal. And, I deserve more than a fire drill proposal. He got the ring that day and came by. I don't want a ring because he is lonely and scared, or because he hit a certain age and he wants to be with SOMEONE, or a ring that is intended just to keep the door open. I don't know what this ring means to him. And, I know that I am spending too much energy thinking about that. That is not the real question. I don't know what he is thinking and I never will. I need to focus on my own thoughts - that is the only way that I will find my way out of the darkness.

I did not think that it was possible but I am even more turned around now. And, the rational part of my brain saya that there is nothing to be turned around about. Why would a ring change anything? I just can't keep looking at the darn thing. But, then I flash upon the face of the woman that he was alone with in what was our bedroom...and I put it back in the box.

Yesterday I told him that I was walking away and that I had given him more chances that anyone deserves. I told him that could use the time alone to do one of 2 things. Either he could find companions and stay right where he is or he could be alone and challenge himself to learn and grow. The difference this time is that I am not going to be waiting around.

Last night he texted me about all the self-help books that he bought and he already started reading. He is journaling too. I don't know what any of it means - maybe nothing. You can read and write just about anything but that does not mean that anything is sinking in. But, he would never read those books before.

So, I am going to keep my distance and hope for his sake that he really is growing. And, it is up to him from that point to work his way back in. I am far too nice for this guy. And, he has taken advantage of that all while taking it for granted...very odd. I am going to focus on getting a place to stay (I have been in a hotel since I left him and I have no family in LA). I need to focus on me again - I never should have lost that focus.

It has been so helpful to bounce ideas off this board - thank you so much...

AILA