Yesterday I accidentally discovered my husband of 6 years has been sending messages to women on a website where women post their naked pictures. The message said that 'you have the nicest t*#s on the site' and was an invitation to meet/chat/whatever (I don't know the lingo) to share fanatsies, pictures, etc... I can't remember if it actually said to meet each other because I was in such a state of shock at the time. He denied it at first but the evidence was pretty overwhelming and he confessed that he paid $50 to join this site and estimated that he had sent 50 messages that were the same as the one that I found (I accidentally hit the 'paste' command and the message was pasted into my document and thats how I found out). He says that he never meant anything to come of sending the messages and that the website is actually in a different country and certainly not local to us. He said that no one had answered his messages. He is also saying that this came about because he was visiting porn sites and thought he had an addiction to it and he wanted to get help but didn't know how to tell me. I have no way of finding out what this website is because he was on his work computer doing this (lets not get into legalities about that here). This kind of behaviour is out of character for the the man i thought i knew and married. I cannot believe that out of the 50 messages he said he sent that he did not get any replies. I don't know how long this has been going on for. I don't believe anything he is saying, my trust is gone. I'm confused and in a state of shock because I thought we were happy. Its one thing to look at porn its an entirely different thing to pay money to join a website and send messages. That shows intent to do something. How do I find out the truth? Maybe this is a mid-life crisis and maybe he is telling the truth. Or maybe he is a pathological liar and I have been completely in the dark for the last 7 years. I can't get on his work computer and even if I could I wouldn't know where to go to find this website (he's on a Mac and I don't know how to use them). I didn't have the presence of mind to hit the print command after the message was pasted into the document. I couldn't even have hid the fact that the message was pasted and try and gather evidence when he wasn't looking because he was standing behind me at the time.

I'm so very lost right now. I don't know how to find out the truth. Can anyone help me?

I dont know what to tell you about a MAC computer, that one is out of my hands. But what I can say is couseling, couseling, couseling! You will need to go to couseling to find out what is really going on. Is there something missing from your marriage? Does he have an addiction that needs to be addressed? Has he done this other times? has he ever met any of the women? The list can go on but if you love him and he loves you & you both want to save the marriage you will have to seek perfessional help on this one. Dont just let it go and dont just accept his answer as the truth. You need to find out the truth for yourself and that is going to take work and patience. If he is really sorry for what he did then he would be willing to go to couseling with you to fix the mess that he made.

Wish you the best!

The hardest part to deal with when discovering deceipt of any kind, is to face the fact that we don't know our partners 100%. But don't panic, put this into prespective. You might not trust him as far as not visiting porn sites go, but you still trust him in other areas don't you?

Who knows what goes on in a person's mind that drives them to visit these sites. We live in a different world now and the temptation is there. Your husband must be feeling very embarassed and is not going to readily admit to you what he has been doing. It could be that he just got carried away, you know, its not real as such is it? Show him that you are willing to understand that perhaps he did it as a bit of fun, but make absolutely clear that you do not approve and point out that if he doesn't stop, this could easily lead to something else. See where that gets you. Remember that if he wants to carry on with this, there is nothing you can do to stop him, so it might be better to take the "understanding" approach.

I must admit, this is a very sticky situation and I can see why you are hurt and confused.

On one hand, it's easy to see how he may have slipped into the temptation of porn sites, but like you mentioned, it's one thing to look at porn, it's another to pay money to join a website (specifically to message other real women).

How is the situation going? Has he stopped visiting these sites? I know it can be hard to tell if he is visiting them soley from work, as you probably don't have regular access, or any, to that computer.

One question I would like to pose is how long has this been going on? Usually, when you sign up online for things of such nature, you need a credit/debit card. Can you check the statements and see how long this charge has been on? If it is only a recent charge, then I can believe how he just sort of "fell into it".

However, if this has been an ongoing issue for years, you may want to follow Sawinski's advice and seek a councelor. He could possibly have some deep seeded issues that you are not aware of.

Best of luck to you. Remember, you are precious, and you deserve to be treated as such.

Hi, ahh I'm sorry for what happened to you. I have been in the same type of situation where I accidently found out my long term boyfriend was talking to 'real' girls online. It is way worse when they do that because the girls are actual people that they could meet up with. I don't understand it at all, and I know you are probably feeling a lot like I did when I found out. It is so hard to trust anything someone says after they lie to you (especially when it is the one you love). You feel like you know eachother so well, but really they are keeping secrets. It is not acceptable in my opinion, but I have forgiven and worked through it. I guess you just have to decide if it is worth it to work through something like that. I honestly think it goes on a lot more than people think, but only some of us find out about it.. which is sad.. I probably just think that because my trust is gone. Best of luck with the situation.

I think that accident or no accident you have stumbled across a life altering incident. If he is serious about what he is saying take hime off to counselling and in the correct forum get some answers and maybe some solution as to why he went there in the first place. Some men are just curious users of such sites and never intend on continuing, however once they are there and the fact no one knows makes it all the more exciting and they get hooked in. If he loves you and want to fix his indiscretion he will do whatever it takes for you to trust him again. Even if he has not met these people the mere intimate comments on a web site takes away from your relationship.....he needs counselling to understand what he has done and how it has impacted on you..