Hi,
This is my first time here, the reason I'm writing in this blog is because this site helped me a lot when I was going through the painful process of being cheated on. Before starting, let me tell you that I have now moved on and I feel GREAT! Hey, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!
What I want to share with you is my own experience, mistakes and success!
Don't want to bore you so I will go straight to the point. I was engaged to one of the best liars in the world and also a serial cheater.
I'm writing because I want to help others that are going through the same by sharing some ideas and tips that worked for me in order to catch and deal with her.
I'm not a psychologist, nor have any formal training or studies in the subject. Just plain experience and lots of scars. I also made a couple of negotiation courses, those really helped a lot!
Lets get started:
1) Know what you will do if you find out that your suspicions are right. Ask yourself if you can get over it. This is about you, not your children, nor your family. If you decide to give him or her another chance, are you going to be able to live with that person after what happened. Either way that's fine! That is your call. Just be brutally honest with you.
2) Don't get paranoid. A weird mood happens to everybody every once in a while. The same applies to coming home late or hanging out with friends. However, be aware of dramatic changes or unusual behavior that becomes a pattern.
3) Don't play their game. Lying, cheating and manipulating is their field, no way you are going to win there. Your weapons are a lot more noble. Use your weapons and bring them to your ground. If you get into their game you will leave openings that will make you an easy target for their attacks. They grab everything they find to defend themselves and to turn everything against you. They will distract you and dilute the discussion. Worst case scenario, you will end up apologizing!!!
4) Be patience. Gather as much information as you can. I know it is hard, once you find something you want to confront the person and ask for an explanation. That does not work! You are honest, direct and transparent, they are not. That only makes it easier for them, making a story to fit just one fact is not that hard and they won't contradict themselves. Of course there are some evidences that are strong by themselves, i.e. catching them in fraganti. But that is not the general rule.
5) Let them feel comfortable. Don't look like you are suspecting something. Again, I know it's hard, but it really works. If they are relaxed they will screw themselves up so easy and frequently. Don't stalk them, let them feel secure, give them space. Something that worked pretty good for me was to ask a question in a relaxed and casual way. Sometime later I would ask the same question to see if the answers fit. Keep your eyes and ears wide open!!!
6) Keep track of the thinks they do, if possible with dates and hours. Make questions in a simple, relaxed and innocent way about their activities. The same again, see if their versions over time fit.
7) Trust yourself and be objective! You are not going crazy or imagining things! But try to be rational. If it walks like a duck, eats like a duck, swims like a duck and flies like a duck. IT IS A DUCK!!! Don't fool yourself. I happened to me, i was starting to believe i was going insane.
8) Getting some professional help for yourself is a good option too. Even though the one that is really screwed up in the head is your partner. That will help you in your self-confidence and clearing your mind. This was very important in my case. That reinforce my decision to leave her.
9) The confrontation. Don't make the stupid mistake I made, over and over again, by disclosing ALL you know. Disclose your information little by little when you confront them. They will make up a story that will fit the facts you gave them but they will not fit the facts you are keeping. Be careful cheaters are great liars and manipulators. They screw themselves up very bad here. A great way to start is to tell them "You know what I'm talking about." Worked great for me, I was almost sure there was something fishy going on there and her outrageous reaction told me I was right. I didn't say anything, did not give any facts and she screw herself up.
10) If you decide to give the person another chance, that is fine. Maybe they do deserve another chance and they will change. Just be extra careful and make them work very hard to regain your confidence. Didn't happen in my case. I was cheated on again! Counseling is a great option.
11) If you decide to move on. Get close to your family and friends that care about you. Know for a fact that you can live without that person. There are lots and lots of people outside that will give you the respect, trust and love you need. Remember that these three elements are essential for a healthy relationship, they are equally important and if one is missing there is no relationship or at least not one that will last.
I really hope this helps the people that are going through this.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Andre
P.S. Oops, sorry i was supposed to keep it short and simple. This is the best I could do.
Administrator's Comment: Andre, THANKS for such an insightful post! Hopefully, many people will benefit from your experience - your advice is such a nice complement to the information we provide on this site:
how to catch a cheating spouse.
