I would really like to get all of your thoughts on the following information. It’s long but please stick with me as I find it quite strange.

My wife, to my knowledge, has never cheated on me sexually, although she did admit, without warning, to kissing one of her girlfriend’s male friends at a night out. This happened about four years ago when my wife, who was at that point, my fiancée and I were not in a good place. I think this happened because I had formed an emotional attachment with a work colleague. Although I never had sexual contact with this female, I did kiss her. I was weak, I was foolish and I was profoundly sorry. I thought what my wife then did was simple tit-for-tat, so we let it go, we resolved our issues and got married.

The problem is that, since that time, I have caught my wife telling me lies on a number of occasions. She knows that this damages me psychologically yet she still does it. When she is caught, she uses me as the reason for the lie – “You seemed stressed by work and I wanted to protect you”, “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you would believe me” (!?!), etc. On one occasion, she even swore on her mother and brother’s lives that she was telling me the truth when I knew for a fact that she was lying.

When I know that she’s lying, I give her numerous opportunities to come clean before I confront her with what I know. She will only tell me the truth when she knows she’s cornered. When I then ask her questions about why she has lied and what really happened, she thinks for inordinate amounts of time before responding.

Last week she took me to a coffee shop because she told me there was something she wanted to discuss with me. Once there, she told me that she had had to tackle a female work colleague who had made and insinuation about my wife and a male work colleague. This is what she told me:

Last Wednesday, my wife’s male work colleague, with whom she has “a good working relationship”, told her that a female in the office had made an insinuation at a work night out four weeks ago. The insinuation was that if something was not happening between my wife and that male colleague already it soon would be. Apparently the male colleague hummed and hawed about telling my wife this, and only finally discussed it after four weeks because my wife mentioned that he seemed quiet and distracted. As soon as told my wife, she then tackled the female colleague in an angry way, telling her that she was “questioning the integrity of two peoples’ marriage”. She pointed out also that her male colleague had just become a dad and these rumours could be damages. It turned out though that the female colleague already knew this conversation was going to take place because the male colleague tipped her off. Why would he do that if her comment had caused him so much concern?

I could not understand why I was being told this and it certainly didn’t ring true. I got her to tell me the story again four days later and it was exactly the same. I still felt I was being misled. So I bluffed it and told her I didn’t believe her. After much humming and hawing, she finally admitted that the male colleague had actually told my wife about the comment more or less as soon as it happened, and had not in fact waited four weeks.

I asked my wife why she felt the need to lie to me about this one fact? As usual, she deflected the responsibility for this to me, saying that she felt I had been under some considerable stress at work and did not want to worry me. I asked her why she felt it pertinent to then tell me four weeks later, when I was under no more or no less stress than I was before. Again, after much silence, followed by humming and hawing, she told me that she didn’t want me finding out this had been said. When I pointed out that we work for two different organisations, she said that they were near each other and that everybody knows somebody. I asked her why it was important that to her that I know. She said that if I found out from someone else, which is ridiculously unlikely, that this insinuation had been made, I may not believe her point of view, or form a belief myself that something untoward was happening.

I then asked my wife if she had had any contact with this man outside of work. She said no. She then eventually told me that they had contact in relation to work tasks they were involved with. Then, following further denials, she eventually told me that they contact via text outside work about the comments that had been made but that there was definitely nothing else. I asked her what had happened or been done that someone in her work place felt that something might be happening. My wife denied any knowledge of anything she could have done to instigate the comment.

I know the lie seems very small for me to get hot about but it’s just such a strange lie, so utterly bizarre, that it intrigues me – especially given my wife’s history for bizarre lies. In their entirety, she makes me feel like a stupid idiot with her lies and she is undermining my trust in her and our relationship. Sometime I look into her eyes and feel profoundly apprehensive because I just don’t know exactly what I am looking at.

Finally, and this is eating away at me, if my wife is prepared to lie about something as bizarre is this, and it takes me this amount of effort to establish the lie in the first place, what else is she telling me that’s not true?

What do all of you think?

Other stuff you need to know:

1) We have been together for fourteen years, although married only for one.
2) I have felt for a while that something is not right.
3) She has two mobiles – one for personal use and one for work use, the latter of which I only found out about because I happened to notice it in her bag.
4) Although I have felt that all is not right, I have come home early on a number of occasions and returned unexpectedly from business trips and never found anything untoward.
5) There have been occasions where she has answered the house ‘phone sounding breathless, but puts this down to having to run to get the ‘phone.
6) I am almost always able to contact her on her private mobile.
7) Weirdly, I sometimes smell a smell in my home that I just do not recognise. Not aftershave, or perfume, or deodorant – just something ‘different’.
8) She has recently started to take on some overtime, although does some of this at home (while I am at work).
9) We are childhood sweat-hearts and have never had other sexual relationships (not to my knowledge).

Thank you!

First off, her saying that she didnt tell you because of this that and the other is her way of shifting blame. She is putting the blame onto you so that it takes away from her. CL are know to do this to protect themselves and there lies. She sounds like a CL and she needs help.

I believe that she told you this story because she was affraid that someone would tell you before she did. It sounds to me like she is trying to hide something. I am not going to say that she is cheating but it is always a possibility. I would keep an eye on her, watch the cell phone, work hours, emails, text messages. Just keep your eyes open. I only know what you have writen and there are some red flags in there.

She will continue to lie to you as longs as she feels like she can place the blame onto you. This relieves her guilt and justifies her actions. Dont take the blame anymore, tell her that her lies are not your problem, you did not cause her to lie and she needs to look at herself. She wont change unless something happens in her life to open her eyes. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for taking the time to offer advice.

What are the red flags? What other red flags should I look out for?

Most importantly, what help can my wife get that would solve this ... cancer, for want of a better expression?

Final question, can anyone give me hints and tips on how to identify lies more easily, or how to trip up a liar?

Thanks.

Red flags:

She has 2 phones

She came to you to tell you about this other guy for no real reason, makes me wonder if there really is something going on.

She lies and then blames you

those are just a few that I could pick out but the lies are something that can really hurt your relationship. If she cant be honest with you then how are you going to know whats real and whats not?

You need to keep your eyes open and watch her phone time, where her work phone is when you are together, does she hide it? Watch when she is gone, where did she go, for how long. If she uses the computer start checking that. There are so many signs to watch for if you look on the side of the page then you will see all the signs.

The only thing that you can do to help her is to try to make her see what she is doing. If she doesnt think the has a problem, "cancer" then she wont get any help to cure it. So until she sees that she has a problem there is nothing to do. Seek couseling for yourself, if she wants to go then great but she might just lie to the couselor to. Go for yourself at least so that they can help you understand that her lies are not your fault and they can teach you how to deal with her better.

Thank you for your time and advice. I've had nobody to talk to about this and it feels good that somebody is able to listen without mocking the way that I feel or making me feel that I am in some way to blame. I feel so pathetic sometimes.

I've established that the work mobile number is a contract 'phone paid for by my wife's company. Her own personal mobile 'phone is also contract.

Today I was looking for lip balm in my wife's bag and I found a receipt from a supermarket for a mobile 'phone evoucher. I'm now faced with the possibility - the very likely possibility - that there is a third mobile 'phone - a pay-as-you-go mobile.

I have never had a whiff of a third mobile 'phone. If it exists, I've never set eyes on it.

This is beginning to stink, isn't it?

Yet another red flag! You have got to keep your eyes open because this is sounding worse by the day. But I want to warn you to be prepair for whatever it is that you might find. Stay strong & prepair for the worst & hope for the best.

She could have good reasons for this stuff but it sure sounds fishy to me. Be careful, dont look for anything that you dont really want to know about.

I wish you the best of luck & I am here if you need to talk