I first will start by saying, i have no idea where to start!

How did i find my way here? after laying in bed for the last how ever many hour's, and after having very little sleep in the last 24, and knowing i did not have ONE single person i could go and talk this out with... i got on our laptop and did a search on re-building trust and if it was possible. Im hurting, and looking for answers.

I really really reallynot only need but want someone to nut this out with, so if any of you feel up to it, it WILL be greatly appreciated!

Background:

My fiance (although i called the engagement off in the heat of the moment a day ago, so im confused if it means it is OFF), anyhow, we have been together 5 years. We seriously go together like jam and toast or socks and feet... we just have always worked so well. I was his first relationship, and with that in mind, not so much forgave but decided to move past his first breech of my trust. But sadly, i dont think i have ever actually moved past it, if you know what i mean.

When our daughter was approx 3 months old, i just had this 'feeling' to look at his phone. I was laying in bed, he has just gotten up to have his shower for work, and the feeling i got was strong and familiar so i looked! (i say familiar cause i have had it before with an ex ) Anyhow, i found txt after txt between him and a girl, Jess. All of explicit sexual nature, and i lost it. The one thing i asked him when we go to gether was do anything but never lie or cheat. I have been hurt so bad in the past by the both, and i just would not put up with it again, but more than anything, couldnt cope. Well, he lied. And i believe cheated, yes he didnt physically, and im thankful, but he did in his mind and as someone once said the deceptions in our minds can be more powerful than those that are physical!

The fight was a big one that morning, and after alot of tooing and froing, we talked it out. We had a baby girl and i decided to just let this go... well, maybe not let it go but move on... hah! who am i kidding, i didnt even move on, but whatever i did, we are here together, 3 years later, another child; a son and so much more of our life.

He did the whole txting and actually physically seeing (no sex) thing one more time about a year later after that incidient, with a old school female friend. Who very obviously wanted more from him and did everything she could to woo him in. AGAIN, i put it down to lack of experience, and let it go!

Both times boundries were set that for more to try and go on ALL communication MUST be stopped with said girls, and he gladly aggreed. He also was willing and open with his phone and if i ever felt i needed to look i could. But, for all his and my efforts, i just havent been able to find a way to really trust, nor be ok. I have however, found a way to i think build a bridge and i have walked my up and over what happened, the pain and got on with life. After all, there was a beautiful baby girl involved, and id think well, he didnt 'sleep' with them so that has tp mean something. (side note though, i have always had to fight to get him to sleep with me tho, he isnt sex driven and can go without it for a looooooooong time so maybe the physical sex part mens nothing, or the fact he hasnt with smeone else??!!)

Anyway, this brings us to this week and strike 3!

On Sunday night (its just gone dawn tuesday morning here) all were in bed and i couldnt sleep. I decided to go on the computer and, i for whatever reason, felt to look at his facebook account. We do share EVERYTHING, like we share a mobile, our emails, we used to share a FB account but have since got our own but its not uncommon for him to go into mine to do stuff and vice versa. Well, i found a message from a girl (kat) who i have always felt has a thing for him, and is known to be a very, well, errrm, to be polite, she is EASY and literally does nothing short of giving it and anything else to anyone who is willing. She found him on facebook and has just been flirting with him so bad, and refuse's to even acknowledge me, so i have been feeling so so so very insecure about her recently which drives me nuts. anyways, The message was regarding a funeral of someone they both went to school with, time and date. I know, totally above board except, the day of the funeral (which was 3 weeeks ago)i came home from dropping our 3.5 year old daughter off at kinder, and he just threw on me that there was the funeral that day and he wanted to go, alone and that was that. Now that is unlike him, we literally do everything together, and he also knows i am NO good at coping with just having something thrown at me, like i need time to let it absorb and then im ok. So ofcourse naturally, a small argument onsued that morning. I wasnt as much phased that he wanted to go alone although felt a slight bit rejected and couldnt figure out why, it was more he just threw it on me. So i asled how long he knew about the funeral, he answered, "i only found out this morning". I asked did "she" being the kat tell you and will she be there? he said no she didnt tell him, and yeah she would be.

Well, he lied that morning. He out and out lied to me. I have now found out he knew about the funeral on the tuesday before hand, but chose not to tell me because his words "he'd rather go through a few hours of hell than 3 days of hell", and she did also tell him. BUT, it didnt stop there... sunday night he said so much more and literally pulled the rug from under me. The fact he thought i would give him hell over it has just got me stumped?! im not that type of person, never have been, and after w etalked he said he knows im not that person, but couldnt explian then why he didnt tell me, so i still dont know if it is the real reason.

And i am so confused and lost cause he started by blaming me he hasnt been out in over 2 years with mates, saying i dont let him... and then when i asked him about that later he said no, its not you... im just spo frustrated.

I should maybe mention also, the last 18 months have been HUGE for all of us, especially he and i!

In feb 2007, he was crushed by a 150 tonne press machine. I was 21 weeks pregnant with our son. He was in a coma for awhile and dr's were telling him % was he wouldnt come out. He sustained 4 spinal fractures, pelvic fracture, small bowl herniated through his stomach, his entire mid section de-gloved and oh so many more injuries.

I was by his side day in day out, and slowly but surely nursed him back to health. He can walk and if in one peice although he is in pain everyday and will never be the same. He is not back at work and looks as though he wont be returning. Physcologically he hasnt been good, and being i have had tow ork two jobs, and between having a newborn and a toddler, working, my own Post natal depression we really had i guess lost eachother.

So anyhow, he has lied again, i feel totally numb and lost. I go from thinking yep we can work it out (thats when i stop thinking bout what happened), to how i am now that i cant keep feeling like this, and the things he has said in the last 24-48hours have me thinking so much like do i know him, who is he, does he know me and where did we go??????!!!!!

ARGHHHH Both kids are now up and asking me stuff as normal, playing.. im snapping at them its not fair... Im so angry at him for this. why?? why lie?!

After everything we have been through, my god.... *sighs*

obviously he is in a worse place than i thought. I know this accident has changed him, changed us all.

He see's a psychologist once a fortnight, but he said he doesnt talk about this and these feelings with her.

ARGH im so confused. i never ever ever ever wanted my kids to grow up apart of a split family, and neither does he... he doesnt want us to seperate.. and by all means neither do i BUT, and that is just it.. there is a but!

I just dont see how the hell i can trust him?????? how do i believe him now???? i need to know i can trust him, i cant live with out that.

God i feel like burtsing into a flood of tears, i feel like screaming in rage at him, i feel like sitting and just staring at the wall fromm numbness, i feel like packing me and the kids up and fleeing..... BUT YET I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!

There is so much more to this, details that possibly need to be added, but i just cant think clearly.

The kids are playing in the background and i feel so guilty at the thought id be taring the family apart if i did decide i cant go on with him!

Ah i NEED to keep writing here, but i cant. the kids are making it in possible!

im gooing to go, but i will post this as i have written to much to just delete and re do.

I dont even know how to finish it.

Maybe by just saying thank you to anyone who got this far....

Dear JustB

It sounds to me as if your fella is doing some re-assessment of his life and is not quite sure himself what is going on. Absolute and unconditional trust, thats what everyone wants isn't it? I am not sure whether it can ever be achieved, but wouldn't it be great if it could? You say that you do everything together. Perhaps that might be part of the problem for him, perhaps he is looking for some independence? When he accuses you of being controlling by not liking him going out, something which you say is not true, I think thats him justifying to himself the guilt he feels by wanting to do certain things without you.
Personally, I don't think it is feasible to expect to do everything together. It might suit you, but he might be feeling that he has lost himself in there somewhere.

I don't know how old you both are, but it sounds to me as if this is a young man we are talking about, who has responsibility of a family and who has gone through some trauma. I am not justifying his behaviour and lying to you about certain things, but perhaps you could try and understand the reasons why he behaves this way? It might make it easier for you to move on once you realise that it is not personal, but just a phase he is working through. If you still want him in your life, especially for the sake of keeping your young family together (but not at all costs obviously) then show him that you are willing to understand this change in him and help him as much as possible. Ask him what changes you can both make in order for your relationship to move forward. Perhaps once he feels in control of his life, he won't feel the need to do things behind your back.

Hard work and commitment is the only way to get past this. He has to work for your trust and commit to it. You can work past this, you can! You just have to have faith and work really hard.

I dont really have any good advice, I am sure, but I am always here to listen. I do understand your confusion, hurt, anger, all of it. Just hang in there, you will make it through this no matter what the out come is. And in the end you will be a better, stronger person for it.

Just keep being a good mom to those kids. And maybe it was a good thing to call the wedding off for now just in tell you know what you want. Wait until you can trust him again. The worst thing you can do is jump into the marriage thinking that will fix things when you know it wont. Your doing the right thing, take your time and dont make any harsh choices. Just take your time.

Good luck and if you need to yell, vent, cry or need someone to listen we are always here.

Our lives are very similar. I am also still engaged to a man who I can't seem to entirely trust.. who I caught fooling around through texting. He and I are absolutely perfect together besides his lies.

I don't have children with him yet though.

He promised he would have nothing to do with her... then I read a text he wrote the same evening he made that promise to me where he was begging to see her. He wrote to her that she is all he thinks about and he "has to see her".

Similar stuff I think to what you are reading on his phone?

I have now had a month go by since the original pain of finding out about all the lies. I have started to go to counselling and that really helps me. I can't talk to friends or family just in case I do get married. I don't want their judgement on me or him.

I don't know if I will ever trust him 100%, we are both trying and only time will tell I guess. I do know that I will heal though. I was crying all the time at first, I had to go out into the woods to scream out the pain, wanted to go and find this girl and scream at her... but now I don't feel the pain, crying stopped and I can see myself going on just fine no matter what happens with him.

oh... before everyone starts getting mad at me for still being engaged... the wedding date isn't until next year. I have decided that I have until January to still give this man a chance to prove/fix himself. That's when the invites will be sent out.

Unlucky:

Out of curiosity, it seems like everyone that knows me and my cheater seems to think that I should give him a chance to fix himself since he says he is sorry and that he wants to change. For some reason this just seems like a really messed up facet of society. Why is it that the person who was betrayed should help the monster? What about supporting the person who was betrayed and hurt?

--Jen