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My husband of 18 years and I are trying to repair our marriage even though he has had 3 affairs, plus secretly meeting with and kissing lots of other women.
To my knowledge, he has not had sex with another woman for 3 years, and his last romantic contact (phone call with one of his lovers) was 15 months ago. Of course I don't know for sure, but I have not found any evidence and believe me, I look for it. He is trying: treating me better, calling, being open about where he is at all times and who he is with. He says he has changed.
But...whenever we talk about our relationship and I get upset and say how hard it is for me to ever trust him again, he says he likewise doesn't know if he can ever trust me again!
I have never cheated on him and he knows it. What he is referring to is an issue in our marriage that upset him, and he says, made him think I didn't love him so he went out and had affairs.
Like all marriages, we had differences when it came to money, time spent with family, etc. Because of the family I came from, I tend to become very sharp and sarcastic when I am angry. It is not an excuse, and I know I need to work on it. In fact, since he told me that is why he cheated on me, I have drastically changed the way I react and although I occasionally slip up, I am much less of a rhymes-with-witch.
What bothers me is, he equates his not trusting that I won't "talk mean" to him, as he calls it, with my not trusting that he won't have another affair.
He says it is both a case of trust.
A lifelong habit of speaking can slip out easily when you are angry. But having an affair takes planning and many deliberate choices, any one of which can be halted. You don't get mad and suddenly find yourself naked on the floor of your office with a client!
He refuses to admit there is a difference between these two examples of trust and whenever I say I just can't trust you, he says well I can't trust you either. I tell him that he can SEE whether I am behaving the way he likes or not, but if he is cheating, I will never know. His behavior is secret and hidden, mine is out in the open, so he can confirm if I am living up to my promise to "talk nice" but I can't confirm if he is living up to his promise of fidelity. I just have to take his word for it and he has proven that his word is worthless.
What do you think? Is this hopeless? He is such a narcissist, I don't know if I can ever get him to see it any other way. And I'm afraid if I blow up one day he will justify his breaking my trust because I broke his.
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