hi all.
i have been married for over 20years. i found my old bf about a year and a-half ago. we've talked and emailed to eacg other. my husband called it an affair. my old bf brother was killed the same time i was being abused. he knows so much about me, and is just a friend. But, my husband is so jealous that i can't even have a man friend?
i hve never had an affair and never will.. whats your outtake on this.. anyone have any ideas... ty

How would you feel if he was emailing and talking to his ex girlfriend?

I could see how this would make him uncomfortable. I dont think it has anything to do with him being a male it has to do with him being an ex boyfriend. Someone that you shared personal things with, someone that you have probably slept with.

Look at it from the other side. What would you say to your husband if he wanted to have a relationship with his old girlfriend?

I have been on two side of this. Recently I found emails from my boyfriend chatting it up with an old flame. I was mad, not because he was talking to her, but because he wasn't out in the open. He does have an old girlfriends that I know about that he talks to and that doesn't bother me. It's the deception that is bad. In a relationship you need to be able to have friends of the opposing sex who are just friends, but the general rule is to be more forthcoming. One of my best friends is an man and single, my boyfriend doesn't particular care for that, but I make the effort to always mention when I talk to him, so there is no feeling that I am hiding anything. So this is usually one of those areas of fuzzy rules. In most cases if there is nothing going on, and you are very up-front and honest about talking to an old friend, your hubby is in the wrong. Now if you are spending a lot of time talking, and excluding your hubby, you are in the wrong. The difference is very thin. And one thing to keep in mind is what you see may not be what your husband sees. If you can have a rational sit down talk about this and clear the air and agree on some rules, this should just blow over. Quite often it is just that men and women don't hear things has the other has thought they have said things, and sitting and talking it out can sometimes kick on the little light bulb of understanding.

i have never slept with him actually i was only age 14-16. my husband is the only one i have ever slept with. Due to being sexually abused as a child and a bunch of other issues,i have never slept with anyone else. he is just a friend. his brother was murdered the same time i was being abused.i can understand my husband to a point, but i do not have alot of friends and such, and that is all he is to me. but i can see others won't ever see it that way i guess. i have been through so very much that my husband cant ever understand. he says its all in my head an di know its not. but thanks for hte reply.. i understand

Every situation is different. I have male friends that I have been friends with forever and my husband is ok with them. I dont really see them unless I am with my husband but he understands the relationship that I have with those male friends. The 2 will call me and talk to me about girl problems and want advice and that doesnt seem to bother my husband. Although I did have a friend that was an ex in the beggining of our relationship and that friendship bothered my husband, probably because I slept with him so I cut the ties with that friend.

You should be able to have male/female friends as long as your husband knows that the relationship will never cross the line. has your husband ever talked to him or met him? Having your husband be friends with him to might ease the tention so that he can understand why your friends with him. Every situation is different so I guess this question really depends on the person & the relationship. I could see how this would be a problem if infadelity was an issue but that sure doesnt sound like the case here.

I am sorry to hear about your past and the abuse the you went through. Trust me there are millions of people that understand what happened to you, including myself. Have you ever had couseling for these problems? I know thats a whole nother subject but just wondering.

My advice for you is to explain to him why this guy is your friend and that you would like him to get a chance to get to know him as well. Whats funny is that you say your husband says that your past is all in your head, well that seems to be a pretty normal reaction for men. I know that I had that problem & so did my mother. My father always was in denial about both of us and has always ignored it like it never happened. I am not sure if its because they dont want to think about or that they dont want to believe that someone could hurt you that way or if its there way of dealing with it. Whatever the reason your husband will never face reality on this subject and for that reason maybe thats why you want to keep this friend around, to have the support that your lacking from your husband.

You just need to be open and honest and hopefully he will learn to understand.

thank you for your post...
he has talked to him, but he was having problems in his own marriage which had nothing to do with me. My husband also even talked to his wife to get everything all riled up. i told my husband i wouldn't talk to him if htat would made him feel better. I've been seeing a counselor for years.. and will for years to come.As far as you saying me talking to this old bf for support is absolutely true. But my husband can't see past the jealousy stage. I been open and honest and haven't talked to this frien since last year. Its just hard for me to make attachments of close friends.
My close friend from college is moving away now, so hta t makes it even harder for me. My sister in St. louis and i are very close as we've always been together...though it all. Shes my mom, my sister and my best friend all wrapped into one. Its been a hell of a year...my husband wanted to to kill himself twice cause i said i wanted out.. well i gave in and am still here. I was sexually assaulted by our local grocery store owner, so i pressed charges, they were dropped due to the county attorney didn't have enough evidence. So now I am ostacized from just about everyone in our small town.Plus he had a major blood clot and ended up in the hospital, with no insurance, is making us file bankruptcy. Sorry i got off track... My husband has to check my cell phone everyday, check my email everyday. And if i don't tell him about something then i'm lying. Hes become verbally abusive and i cant take much more. my oldest son graduates this year, then i'm out if things dont change drastically. thnx rael