I do feel a little better this week usually when its daylight, the night time brings so many dreams and emotions that come with it

This would be easier if the battle lines were clear, if someone was completely at fault instead of a little fault on this end and a little fault on that end

Not sure how I can explain myself to him in 5 minutes or less

Theres so much history and background to cover in regards to why I am the way that I am, why Ive responded in the ways that I have, and what these thoughts have lead me to believe

I know that texting and emailing doesnt exactly count but Ive never really talked about my feelings in this way and the anxiety of it all is just about killing me and that could be why I never have

whenever I thought about telling him, my mind built it up into this friggin monolouge(sp?) starting back to when I was a child and then ending up to when we had this fight last week....that is a bit much

I have to calm down

WannaStay:

Okay, lets clear our heads for a minute and bring up a mental picture of what would happen if you sat down and tried to run through your monologue of your life to Eric at this point. Think guy. Think guy sitting there with his fingers in his ears going "la la la la la ... I don't hear anything".


Yup. That is men the majority of the time. He might be in front of you, he might even give the occasionally confirmation noise or side comment. But the amount of real communication can be summed up with "la la la la la".

Sad but true.
I have been on both sides of this one, so I do know.

Clear your head for a minute. What do you really want to say to Eric? Does your past matter at the moment? Not really. All that matters in the hear and now, is that there are two people that with the combination of past events ended up hurting each other. No real right or wrong. But that is reality. If like the name that you started this under (WannaStay) is true. What you are asking for is a chance to face your past and try again with Eric. That's it. No explanations, no reasons, those are just excuses, they do not really matter. Does it matter why Eric was flirting with someone? Not really, does it matter why your past was causing you to push him away? Not really. What matters is what actually did happen not the reasons, and what has to be dealt with first is the actual happenings, then later if it does still matter you can move on to the underlying reasons and work on those. But right now you are the equivalent of stranded on a back road with four flat tires due to running over debris and making plans about going to a defensive driving school to be a better driver. Not a bad thing, but fix the flat tires first and get back on the road! Right now you are nowhere. Get going first. Sitting here and going in circles about how you got here does nothing but make your head hurt. First thing is figure out the most important part to get moving again. In this case that is to talk calmly, briefly, to Eric and see if there is a chance of getting together and working things out. Yes / No. Depending upon the outcome, then you take step 2, work on what was agreed.

With success comes strength, with strength comes the ability to deal with larger loads. All types. Physical strength and you can carry more weight. Mental strength and you can solve harder problems, emotional strength and you can handle tougher times. Figure out where you really are and break down the issues you have into items (loads) that you can handle. Do not try to grab everything all at once. I like thinking of things with little mental pictures, in this case, a normal person grabbing a ton, and trying to walk with it. Silly, right?

Anyways, back to work here. From the time of your posts I think you're on the other side of globe. Back to boring reports for me.

Good luck.


--Jen

It sounds to me like you know what you have to do. You know what the problems are so all you have to do is find the solution.

I would suggest couseling for yourself to dig deep inside and fix the emotional damage that you have gone through as a child.

This is a BIG step forward for you to be able to face that you have a problem and that your willing to find the answers to make yourself a better person. GOOD FOR YOU! Your moving in the right direction. First comes acceptance of your problem next is the solution.

Find a counselor to help you.

WannaStay:

Hope you have a great time with your family this weekend. Take care!

--Jen

WannaStay:

You still out there and doing okay? I hope things are getting better for you.

--Jen

Hey All

Hi Jen

Yes I am still here, I had fun in Boston

Not sure what to say, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and I feel especially weak/vulnerable

I have called Eric twice but not to have the talk
the first time was to let him know that someone had called me because they were looking to do a phone interview with him. I had debated on tossing that information or telling him in case his present job didnt work out

I left him a voicemail and that was that.
he called me back within 5 minutes (didnt listen to the message it seemed) and wanted to know what was up
He sounded a little happy, I told him I couldnt talk (I was at the brokers filling out paper)and that I'd call him back within 5 minutes. I called him back & left him another message since he didnt pick up again but this time, after leaving the message..I shut my phone off

I was on my way back to work & couldnt really talk to him anyways, he did call back though

I called him about a week later when I was in Boston, it had looked like I would have trouble getting a ride back home and I sorta panicked and called Eric. Again, he sounded a little happy, then he reminded me that he didnt have a car. Now that I sorta forgot about, so I was like Ok well, I'll figure it out. He said he'd call me after he got off work...but he didnt.

I started therapy last week, and I think that'll help
And like I said, I was looking into millions of other ways to better myself but money is short right now, something came up with my car

Its only been a week since I've spoken to Eric and I hate to say it but I still feel stuck, or that just could be how I feel this morning

I still have lots of anger & resentment towards him despite the part I played

I feel like those calls, although pathetic lol may have been ice breakers to see what the vibe is with him and for him to see what the vibe is with me

Sometimes I feel like whats the point in contacting him only to explode later on

I just dont know anything anymore