Hi all, Im new here and im glad i found this site..

I have a problem, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years had an affair late last year which supposedly ended after i discovered it in Feb this year.
Since then it has been a roller coaster ride! She says she loves me and wants me and "us" to go back to normal but she isolates herself from me both physically and metally. We have our loving and tender moments but they are far and few in between. Sex is almost non existant, when we do have it its mechanical and not loving. Also, she always seems to want to stay overnight at her sisters or parents place, its becomming a weekly event!

She hardly ever wants to talk to me about the affair and the subsequent fall out we had and rebuilding the trust she broke with me, her common answer to that is i should be trusting her by now and nothing is going on and i should just get over it. I feel thats cold hearted and wrong.
I wanted to end the relationship a few months ago when we tried to rebuild our relationship but she her actions just didnt match her words. Well fast forward to today and I told her to either get her arse into gear and show me how much you want to be with me or im leaving and i will be looking for someone else and moving on with my life.
She panicked and told me she didnt want me to leave her and that she loved me bla bla bla...!
Im so confused, i have suspicions that she may still be in contact with this guy or others (who knows how bad this is cause she is a good liar and covers her tracks well) but have no proof. She is still very secretive with her phone but always says there is nothing going on and says she is like that with her phone cause its a habit now! She gets defensive and tells me im controlling and invading her privacy when i ask her to be more open with her phone or to show me that there is nothing to hide on it..
I want this to work but im having a hard time reading into whats going on in her head and heart. her actions just dont match her words. she says she needs more time, but this was discovered in february this year and its now August..Is it normal for it to take this long for her to get over her confusion? Im ready to call it quits with her tonight but i know the moment i say that she will cry and plead with me not to leave her. What do i do????

Hi, this site is so theraputic and has helped so many people through heratache and hardship:

I don't think your GF is being honest with you at all. She's hedging her bets and has taken you as a second choice rather than the first choice which of course you deserve.

That is the haert of the matter. She is angry at being found out and upset that she is still with you so possibly she is there for financial or practical reasons .What is it with guys and women crying that's what alot of girls do but it doesn't mean that you have to cave in and accept everything we say as gospel just because we CRY.

I think she sees you as a soft touch. You have , by what you say been very understanding about the intimacy issues and now instead of trying to get closer on all levels she runs away to her mum's and sisters! Something' s amiss.

If she was sincere about rebuilding trust and starting again she would seize that opportunity like a pair of Gina dancing shoes and try never to leave your side again!

As for the BS about the phone and "it's a hbait now " does she think you're a complete numptiy? I mean seriously do you think SHE would believe that if that was your excuse ? Course she wouldn't she'd leave or probably start seeing someone else .

Take control of the situation at the moment she has you running around like a headless chicken and it's obvious she has no interest in salvaging the remains of what was already a fragile relationship.

Be a man about it ( sorry but it's alittle wimpsish to take these excuses and believe them) have some respect for yourself and get HAPPY by taking positive action.

Good Luck and keep us posted

"Actions speak lounder than words" always try to remember that. If her actions are not reflecting the same as her words then there is a problem. Either she is still seeing that person or she just doesnt really care. maybe she is holding on to you for her own selfish reasons. I would just tell her that you cant continue to do this with her & if she wants to stay in this relationship all of it has to stop now. Tell her its not fair to you to string you along while she is "confused". She needs to be 100% honest with you or you need to leave. Can you live the rest of your life like this? The first sign that she isnt in this relationship 100% is the fact that she is still hiding her phone, cant be emotional with you. To me it sounds like you guys have lost that emotional connection that is needed in every relationship.

I wish you all the luck, but this isnt a good situation for you.

Thankyou so much for your advice and replies, I really appreciate it.
I did write an update about what happened last night but got a code error and the message box went blank..Im not sure if it went through or not. To save writing it again and or doubling up I will wait another day just in case it did.

Thanx again and look out for my update please

Ok I think I figured out what happened, i got logged out!

Here is the update:

My GF got a new job, she has been unemployed for a long time now so this is good news so I said we'll go out for dinner and celebrate. We did and the dinner was pleasant, alot of small talk and touchy feely stuff. All seemed good but I wanted to talk about what was boiling inside of me!

On the way back home I decided to tell her. Well she noticed something was on my mind and kept asking whats up...

So here's what happened.

I told her I cant keep doing this. I said your behaviour toward me is wrong. I told her that its been 5 months now and you are still confused? Whats going on? I told her that im a day or so from leaving her for good and that I cant take this any longer so what are you going to do?

She said the following to me.

* She said she loves me deeply and that she doesnt want to leave me. She said she doesnt want to date anyone else and wants us to be together and happy again. I told her she is not doing a good job about it, I told her that everytime i mentioned councilling to you, you say its bulls**t I ask you to read some of the material from this site on building trust etc and you refuse to do it. I said Im doing all the work here and your doing nothing and you caused this situation we are now in, not me... so why arent you trying?
She said she didnt know why she was feeling like this and behaving like she was...Thats real cold comfort!

* She said that she feels restricted and sufocated in the relationship, and by that she means me! I asked why she feels that and she said she wants to be able to just get up and go somewhere without having to ask permission or consideration to anyone else but herself.

I said I have a problem with that now because I dont trust you at all and you're a lier, this shocked her to hear it but she needed to.
I also said you used to have freedom to do what you wanted before you decided to destroy the trust I had in you and this was never a problem, I said you used to be able to go anywhere and at anytime in the past and i was truly comfortable with that because i trusted you completely! She acknowladged that but still offered nothing else in terms of a solution or reason for feeling like she does now.

* She said she didnt want to lose me and wants to try but just doesnt know how to do that. Again I said councilling is the way or at least read some of the pages on this website and others I have found...No response to that other than a hug from her...What the...!

* I said if this is the best you can do then Its better we ended it. she said NO i dont want to lose you. She looked sincere. Anyway at that point she said she wanted to go back to her parents to get her clothes together for the job training today and that she would call me later in the night so I could pick her up. She said we can have a bath together and watch a dvd together. I said ok. I didnt expect her to call cause she never used to keep her promise!

She called, I picked her up, we had a shower together and watched a dvd sitting on the same couch. She never did this just before the affair started till present so last night was new! She was smoochy and attentative as well...

She kept her phone in her jacket pocket and didnt check it all night. She still keeps the keypad locked though. The changes I have observed were, she used to keep the phone in her pocket at all times, when she went to the bathroom the door was always locked, last night and today she didnt do that, she used to shower/bathe with the door locked, again none of that now, her phone was actually still in her coat pocket when she had a shower this morning which is different from her past behaviour. If she received a text message she would tell me who it was and what was written.

Anyway, this afternoon I asked her what she wanted to do for the weekend and she said she didnt know, but she wanted to get all the sleep-in time she can before she starts work on monday. I asked if she would like to stay here and she said maybe/ok..Then she said two of her girlfiends that live 2 hours away text her asking her to stay with them over the weekend....I almost lost it, I said how can you afford the train ticket and how will you get sleep in time doing that? She said I dont know if im going yet ok, im just telling you...
She destroys any "good" deeds she does in an instant with that crap!

Anyway, I rabbled on enough i think, Im still very confused by this weeks events and now more so by last nights and todays events. She has changed alittle, im thinking is there more good to come or is this just going to turn to crap in a day or so cause she is just acting now?

I dont know what to do, in business im strong, ambitious and dont fear anything but this is killing me. I have never had this in any of my past relationships and some were longer than this one! Im so confused i want to leave her now but i lose my mind whenever that happens....how do i get past this.

It seems that she is making small steps forward when she thinks that she will lose you. This is all up to you at this point you can either wait it out and see what happens or you can just end it now. Another option is to tell her that you need a break, you need time to yourself to figure out what you want. You dont have to wait around for her to decide what she wants, maybe its time that you take control.

It sounds like you guys had a pretty good talk at least you were able to get out some of your feelings. Really this is all up to you, not her! you need to figure out if she is worth it to you. Maybe the break will make her realize what she wants and then she will make the right steps to fix this. If you take a break and she makes no effort what so ever then you have your answer.

I hope the best for you!