I am having difficulties with physical contact with my husband. I found out a few days ago he had contact with a friend. He hugged her from behind, fondled her breasts and kissed her neck for a half minute or so. I realize this might not seem like a big deal because they didn't actually have sex; however, it is the emotional aspect of "their" relationship that lead up to the point that he thought it would be good to "try" with her that I can't get over. I suspected something and put a program on the computer so I could read his emails, etc. I found out he was going over to her house to "talk about what happened". He left telling me he "had to run out for a bit", so I followed him there and confronted them both. Deny, deny, deny was the game. I sent him home and dealt with her. Then I came home and came unglued on him. He finally admitted what actually happened after many more denials and lies, to the point I am not sure that was all.

I haven't been able to sleep (in a seperate room right now), I can't eat (if I try, I throw it back up again), I have cried so much I can't make anymore tears and have to carry a paper bag around because I end up hyperventilating myself, I can't even look at him without crying and feeling sick to my stomach. We have a therapist appointment 5 days from now (soonest we could schedule), but in the meantime, he is trying to hug me and get some physical contact from me. I can't even bring myself to put my arms around him and hug back without picturing his embrace with the other woman and crying more. I have become obsessed with the details: what was said, what she said, what they said after the embrace, etc. When he tries to get me to hug him back, all I can think is, "Would he rather be doing this with her?"

Without me ranting more, I guess what I want to know is how long did it take any of you to become physical in any way with your cheating spouse? I don't want to push him further away as I can see the hurt in his face when I can't respond in the way he wants. He is taking it as rejection, but on the other hand, I don't want to hug/kiss him unless I mean it. Right now, I don't.

Thanks in advance for sharing.....

How long? There is no hardfast answer I don't think. But it will come from you when you are ready. It will be difficult at times and you will probably have those ghosts in your face for a very long time. I still do and it's been over a year and a half. You should probably talk to your husband and explain to him that you aren't ready. Explain to him why you aren't ready. In a way it is rejecting him. That's okay. He needs to understand why you are rejecting him and respect that. You are fragile right now and until you get some emotional strength back you don't need more stress added on top of this stress. He really needs to understand that this isn't one of those kiss n' make up situations. If he does, he just doesn't get it.

Lay the ground work with him. This is a process that you will walk alone. He doesn't bear the feelings and pain you have but he does need to respect that you feel the way you feel, rightfully so, and if he wants to repair the relationship, and help you heal, he will have to respect that.

Good luck with the counseling. M