Okay Beanie, I am a succcess story. (Everybody...you've heard this story a million times already so you have permission to change the channel -
I knew the stats before I decided to stick it out with my husband. I'm not so sure I completely agree with the stats because I'm not convinced they are accurate. I mean, how do they really come up with that information anyway. Do they take a survey with all marriage counselors and see who made it and who didn't? I just don't see the reliability in those stats. I say this because they should be a non-factor in you deciding whether or not to work it out. That decision comes from you and only you.
Know up front, it's a very tough road. Some days I wanted to leave and some days I wanted to get closer and stay. Some days I hated the very breathe he took and on other days I felt alot closer to him. It's been over a year and a half on this end and it's still an issue somewhat, but in a different way than it was back in the beginning and middle. I did it this way. In the beginning I made the choice to stay, my terms and based on what I needed in order to get through this. I made the rules. As long as he was willing to comply with what I saw as the process necessary for me (us) to heal than I could commit to staying and trying. I think that's what made it easier for me to go through the process. I decided in my mind that as long as I gave it my all and he gave it his all we would try. Mind you I was NOT committed to the marriage 100% in the beginning. I wanted to see how it was going to go before I knew I was in it for the long haul.
I know this sounds kinda bullish, but for the first time I was calling all the shots. He could take it or leave it, didn't matter, but in the end I was the one that I focused on getting the healing. He had healing to do too, but that was his job. Not mine. Now we are able to help each other in dealing with this. Because we are so much closer in many ways now, I am able to see the tender spot in him that is damaged (because of what he did to himself and our marriage). I can embrace that as a part of his hurt soul. I am NOT mamby-pamby about this, dont' get me wrong, but there are times that I give him a hug and tell him...I'm here for ya...even though I know darn well he created this pain himself.
I think if you are able to lay the ground work for what you need to heal and stick by that you will feel a little bit more in control and that, my friend, is the one thing that I think makes you feel sicker than sick. The fact that you lost control of your life by the deed of another person that you trusted. Decide what you need to get through this from him. Tell him your agenda, be honest and stick to your guns. You may not make it, but if you are considering it give it your best shot. If not move on, put it in your past and take what you can as a learning experience and start a new life.
Good luck to you. M
