My ex and I had something similar. He and I had been living toghether for 9 months and throughout our relationship he had been having emotional affairs as well as perhaps sexual. It got so bad that for months I was asking him to leave, he wouldn't. He lunged at me one morning and called me "a fucking whore" because I had found a love letter he had written a love letter to his work girlfriend. Again I asked him to leave. He wouldn't and convonced me that he wanted me, he didn't want anyone else, he would stop all boyfriend like behaviour with the work gf. Another 2 weeks went by and again bs was pouring out as usual. I wrote the work gf who as per him knew all about me and told her all about us. I told him that I did, and he stated he was ok with that and he just wanted me, well that was until she got the email. I came home from work and he was acting nuts. I asked him to leave, he said no I told him I was going to call the cops and he called them. The police came. I told them how he had lunged at me and he told them that 2 months ago I slapped him. The police told me that they can do nothing or arrest us both. I asked if we both get charged is he allowed back here and they said no, he can not come near me or vice versa. I got arrested. It was horrible, but it was the only way to get him out, because he was so good at the lies, that everytime I had found more and more evidence of relations outside of ours he had an amazing reason.
So 5 days passed, no communication..it was hard, but I was starting to recover from my life being turned upside down, and then he texted me saying he wanted to talk to me. I responded that we had said everything we needed to say...and that we were not legally allowed to communicate. But as per usual his textes back to me swooed me into meeting with him. In my letter to his work gf I had called him a pathological liar. We met, he looked like hell. He stated he had been sleeping in his truck for 4 days, he couldn't look at himself in the mirror, he realised he was a pathological liar, he realised how much I meant to him and how much he needs me. He stated he wanted us to go to counseling and that he had been going to a therapist, he wanted to woo me, date me, win me back. He didn't want me to forgive him yet, he wanted to earn my forgiveness. He cried, he had never pulled any of this before during any of our previous fights.
So, I got suckered in. The first week was unreal, I felt like we were falling in love again, I was on cloud nine, then the second week he started to resort back to him. I saw him maybe for an hour at a coffee shop once a week. Two weeks ago, I explained to him that I needed more, I needed to be romanced again, because it was working for me. He started to text and email me again. He took a day off work and came to my cottage. On Thursday this week, I asked him if we were seeing each other this weekend because he doesn't have his daughter(who he has not allowed me to see since he moved out), and he stated he had been asked to go camping by his friend. The it became a story of 40 people renting a farm house. I asked how can 40 guys(apparently no women) sleep in one farm house. He asked if I was done interrogating him. I explained that I was still trying to trust him. but let it slide. He came to my place on Thursday and spent the night...asked me to pat him on the back that he was making an effort. Hmm. I knew he would send me an email on Friday, it was his old habit of when he had to do a "work"thing overnight. He called me as he was driving to pick up his friend who he was going with. I told him to have a great weekend.
Something in my gut told me he was full of crap again. I haver vopnage so I can look up numbers. I looked at our records from when he lived with me and found his friends number. By the way have never met anyopne that he knows, no friends and no co-workers. So yesterday am I called and the guy was home, my enabling self thought well maybe they decided to leave Saturday instead. So I called back around 5:00pm. His friend was still there. So, my bf who states he wants me and only me, who is going to therapy to learn how not to lie anymore, who was discussing with me on Thursday night about when our court trials are over living together again has been lying to me all along again.
He played me good, I believed him once again. I couldn't imagine how someone could go through what we did and not mean it. Why would he call me and date me again if he really wasn't full of remorse?
Surprise!!!!!!!!!!Once a liar and cheat always a liar and cheat. I ended things with him by simply sending him a text yesterday that said "we both know you lied about this weekend. Bye." And surprise surprise have heard nothing back. Usually he would be all over it. But, I think he finally realises that this was the last time.
I am hurt and sad. I love him and can not believe I allowed myself to fall for his act again.
So my answer to your post is, maybe some can change, but for me he did not. And I did everything in my power to make him happy. I realise it wasn't me, it is him that has the problem, I am just broken from it.

Jalela,

I decided to register on this site because it has been really helpful - but, I am the original poster.

I am SO sorry to hear of your story. It does sound very similar in many ways.

I am still grappling with loving someone that has stabbed me repeatedly in the back - all while smiling in my face. That just does not make sense. You would think that our animalistic survival instinct would kick in and the feelings of attachment and love would sever when stabbed. Why doesn't it work that way?

I appreciate you sharing your story. I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart!

What have you been doing to move on? I am broken too...

I have started to go back to the gym and am planning to spend lots of time at my cottage during the summer. But I have been working alot to try amnd keep my mind occupied. But it is always there.

Thanks. I like to work out in my home - but, it might be a good idea to get a gym membership. It would help me get out and meet new people - not to date. Dating is the last thing on my mind...even though it is the first thing on his...

Does anyone have any good stories or positive outcomes? While I am so appreciative of this having the ability to talk with others going through the same pain - it just seems to solidify the thought that there is a lot of this crap happening.

What is wrong with people? I just don't understand the thought process of someone who would cheat. Why not just deal with your current relationship. If you are not getting what you need - ask for it or leave them. Period. Why string them along? It seems that many people cheat out of fear. I know that my boyfriend was cheating for several reasons within himself. I hope that he can figure that out for himself. But, I can't help but think that maybe I was not enough. Maybe I could have been more or tried harder. Rationally, I know I could not have. I lost over 30 lbs while I was with him (and I only weigh about 110-115 now) so I was not overweight. I just got so worn down and beat down. I was ruled by stress and upset while I was bending over backward further and further - in the hopes that someday he would see how much I care and did for him and he would appreciate it. My back and my spirit are broken now, and I did it to myself by allowing it.

I only have myself to blame for that...and I am blaming myself a LOT right about now. I should have known that I deserved better and stopped trying harder and harder - particularly for someone that really, in many fundamental ways, could not have cared less or respected me less. And, then to have the second chance that I gave him thrown in my face...I am a fool.

He and I BOTH have work to do.

Oddly, he seems to care now - but he didn't then. I guess anyone can be "good" for a limited amount of time. That is why I hate dating. Everyone is on their best behavior for the first few months then you find out the real person. Not me...I am an opinionated pain in the ass from day one. I think that is only fair.

I'm rambling... so, anyone have a positive story to share? A story of redemption and change? I would really appreciate some uplifting thoughts or stories...

Also - anyone know any good blog sites online? I am amazed at how cathartic I find it to type out and "share" some feelings. I think that I would like to do more of it.

Best to all,
AILA

I have a positive story to tell though it is not mine. I work with a woman who found out her husband of (I believe 17 years at the time they just celebrated their 20th) was having a "work affair". They went to couceling together, she read many books, like "Not Just Friends" (I've seen that others have read this book) and she proactively fought for her man to keep him. He, for his part, agreed to her conditions for fixing what was wrong. No further contact with the OW, complete openness about everything that had occurred, accountability for his whereabouts, etc. (I don't know everything that they agreed to, but imagine what you would expect for 2 people whole heartedly working on their relationship and I think you'll understand). So needless to say, they are together, I think their relationship is stronger now and for the most part (given we all have failings) they are together and happy. I know there is not a day that goes by that my friend doesn't remember or think about what happened, at times question what he is doing or is he being faithful, but she trusts him again and never stopped loving him.
She is trying to help me through my issues
So, in answer to the question posed "Can someone change?" yes but as others have said, only if BOTH want to change and BOTH work at it together.


Totally Twisted

One thing that you didnt mention is if you have a child with this man...If you dont, count yourself VERY VERY lucky. The percentage of relationships that make it after that amount of deception is probably 5%. The amount of men/women who have cheated/lied in the past who will repeat the deception sometime in the future is probably 80%..That's just the way I see it. There is no changing or controlling people like this. You will most likely never win. The sad part, is that the whole cycle can become an addiction, and this addiction can CONSUME YOU. Go find yourself, and make yourself happy. Never wait for anyone else.