this last weekend I messed up. I was at a very important party with business associates/friends and potential ones. I brought my girlfriend of 10 months who happens to know many of the people at the party (not through me, but from other acquaintances). Ikinda kept leaving her with other people to hang out while I'd go to chat and network. I got really drunk and ended up in a room where people were doing cocaine. I did some. much of the rest of the night is a blur. I remember getting into a huge argument once my girl and I got home. She asked me if I did any drugs and I said no... (oopps!) she looked through my phone and saw a text i s fessed ent to a friend looking for some coke. So she busted me on it. And I came right out and up.

Now its been a few days and every day since its been a discussion on how she doesn't feel good because I lied to her for one and two I did it to do coke. ( Now, I am a responsible adult that makes a good living. I'm not a junkie, I don't beg or fiend for drugs. I feel I have the power to decide for myself what I want to do, and at the time I wanted to do it...and it was there.) I feel bad I lied to her and I have done all I feel I can do to apologize and let her know I realize I screwed up and don't want to do it again. But to begin with she has always had trust issues with me. She has major trust and insecurity issues, so I know i didn't help her by doing this. But she still isnt happy.

I'm wondering if its over. if she can never trust me 100% I don't want to be with someone who is going to constantly be paranoid i'm doing something behind her back (and like I read in another post , I don't want to date my probation officer). even though I have no intention to. I just feel that now the relationship is definitely doomed. I understand once trust is lost its nearly impossible to get it back. I'm just wondering if its best for both of our interests to cut it off now. Am I wrong in thinking that?

Go through the steps on this site. It sounds like you just want her to get over it without doing the real work. Go through the steps and be willing to take the time it will take. Maybe if you go through the steps about this you two will create enough communication to midigate some of her other issues with trust.

First off its amazing that your the one who lied and yet your the one who is wanting to call if off. Do you always just run away from your problems?

Remember you lied not her. If you really cared about her then you would do whatever it takes to keep her, you wouldnt be so quick to throw her away. Maybe you dont have any feelings for her!

Hi JT in LA,

What important party with business associates were you at that you were doing coke?!?! I made the mistake once of drinking too much at a work function, and once I realize it, I immediately removed myself from the situation and took a cab home. And, in truth, I think that someone might have put something in my drink, because I did not drink the amount that it would have taken for me to be so hammered and I dreadfully ill the next day (and I don't get hangovers - knock on wood).

You may not think that coke is a big deal, but not everyone feels that way. It is true that you are a grown adult and you are able to make for your own decisions, but so is your girlfriend. If she does not want to be with someone that would do coke, that is her choice. It does not matter if you are able to rationalize it, it does not matter if you have a job...it may just be something that is unacceptable. Personally, job or not, I would not be with someone that would do coke. So, I think it might be beneficial to get out of the mindset that your doing coke was acceptable behavior in your opinion because you have a job, so it should be ok to her.

Moreover, your attitude seems like you could take it or leave it. You do not sound like you are in it for the long haul. This site is filled with people that have been lied to and cheated on. Many of our significant others are fighting tooth and nail to change and regain our trust. And they do this all while knowing that it will take a while for us to trust and it will be a bumpy road with lot of questions. But, these are people that truly care, have taken responsibility and realize the importance of the other person in their lives.

With your current laissez-faire attitude, I would say that it is over. You don't have the drive, the desire, or the concern for the relationship that you will need in order for you to work to regain her trust. It takes a LOT of work and if you are not in it – you are not in it. Be honest with yourself. Be straight with her. It will hurt, but if you candy-coat it, it will just be harder and the pain will continue.

Warning: many people find out only after they have lost someone just how much that person meant to them. Spend a little more time thinking about it. If you would still write your post the same way - it's over in my opinion.

Take care,
AILA

Well since that night we have had many long and painful talks. Just as I get things under control and she seems to be fine, she brings it up the next day. not the fact I did drugs, the fact i lied to her about it. she can accept that in my line of work that drugs and drinking will be there. ( i work in the nightclub industry) And she is fine with that, just she'd prefer me not get involved with it. but the trust issue is the one she has a prob with and so do I. So after I thought about my ultimate long term goals I didn't see her a part of it. I made the very difficult decision to end it before it really spun out of control.

I went to her place and we had it out.of course she was not happy at all about. She was willing to make any necessary changes to keep it going but I cant. I feel like i'd be lying to her and myself if I said I wanted to work on it. for a lot of our relationship I had this feeling of guilt that I liked her maybe truly loved her but... I wasn't sure. I have always felt that she somehow emotionally controls me to doing things I dont want to do,making me agree to things then thinking afterwards "shit why didnt I stand up for myself" So I held my ground this time and she did not like it. She asked me to leave and when I tried to she would stop me and cry and beg. I'd try to leave again and she wouldn't let me. She did something that really scared me. She threatened to jump of her balcony if I left or she was going to grab a knife and stab herself. I dont respond well to this kind of behavior. she even started heading towards her back door and I said fine goodbye and walked out. But then she comes running after me and causes a scean in her halway. somehow i end up getting her back into her apt and once again I stuck in there...she wont move from the door. this goes on for a while and now im being worn down. I'm so mentally and physically exhausted I had to lay down. She continues to try and convince me she is going to change and want to work on her problems. I think im just got tired of hearing her and I give in and tell her ok. I do care for her and I wish so much to be true. and wish she can change but I'm I dont think someone can just change a life long amount of abuse. We had originally planed to go out with her friends on friday and sat we were going to have a date to just have fun. She asked again if I'd still go with her and I agreed, though in my mind i did not want to, I just felt I had to say whatever would shut her up so I can sleep before work.

So after getting 3 hrs of sleep I left for work. She sent me a long text saying she admits she has problems and is sorry for putting it on me. and said she showd me an ugly side of her she is ashamed of. I didnt reply. a little later she sends another message saying that she just went to counseling. I say thats good, how are you? and she responds shaken up but ok.

the whole time in my head I'm dreading going out with her and doing our date. So when I got home from work I packed my bags and headed out of town. I sent a text saying I'm sorry but I have to leave town, I need to be left alone right now. she tried calling and i didnt answer. I turned off my phone after that.

I have felt like the lowest form of life from all of this. But I think its the ultimate form of selfishness to threaten harm on yourself for someone else, and I think thats just unacceptable. And to me why would I want to work on a relationship with someone who is going to threaten to kill themself if I leave?, forget all the other stuff thats going on....

so here I am now completely screwed up and in pain.

I dont even know If this was the right forum to vent about this but I thank anyone who takes the time to listen.

Hi JTinLA,

Well, I applaud you for taking the time to really think about what you want. And, good for you for taking the higher/harder route of being honest with her as well. It won't be easy, but don't allow her to beg and compromise herself. When the dust settles she will have a hard time moving past the fact that she compromised herself and acted so desperate. I know that I am pretty pissed at myself for the same reasons. I begged my guy to treat me better and to get help. And now, I know that I should have respected myself enough to walk away a lot sooner. I sould not have tried so hard when the other person was not trying at all. It's give and take - 50/50. If you can't or don't want to give that level of committment and effort to her - then you need to be strong enough to do the right thing - even though she may not see it or be strong enough to walk away herself.

I think that it is great that she is in therapy because the therapist will hopefully help her work on her confidence and trust issues. Truth is, at this point it does not seem that it is about her issues or even trust. You have come to the conclusion that she is not the one, and, as a result, you are not willling to put in the extra effort to regain her trust. So, it really does not matter if she could or would ever trust you again. She is not the one so you need to let her go.

I have had several significant others threaten their own lives. I did not really see it as being selfish, but more of an act of desperation. What I have done is contact a close friend of theirs or a relative to let them know that we have parted, that the person is displaying troublesome behavior, and that you want someone to know about it because you can not be that support person anymore. It has worked in the past. Most of the time it is an idle threat, and I know that, but I need to know for my own conscience that I have done all that I could to help ensure their safety...and then move on.

I would not have ANY contact with this girl. I would not put myself in a room with her again. I would not respond to any communication other than to say move on. It will be easier for both of you that way. If you know that you do not want her, there is no reason to string it out. You will just make the both of you hurt even more.

I hope my two cents is helpful...

Take care,
AILA