Ok, so I am still figuring out what direction I want to go in my life. In looking at my various options, and quite frankly I have serious doubts about continuing a relationship where the trust has been lost. I found myself wondering what would be off limits to me if I went back to my guy (after extensive work on his part).

For example, if he cheated on you by emailing, texting, using his MySpace page and using his phone...what should be off limits if you are trying to work together toward a trusting relationship?

In reasonably offering some level of privacy...should he have anything that is password protected? He was always a freak about locking his computer and not leaving the room when it was on...and, now I know why. What about email or MySpace passwords?

I honestly don't have the time to go scouting through his stuff all the time so it is not a matter of what I will actually be looking at. Nor do I have the desire to be in a relationship where I feel the need to constantly look over what he does. I refuse to let his crap drive me crazy again. But, it made me wonder what a good general policy should be - until we get a level of trust back?

I do not want to do anything behind his back – just as he should not be doing things behind my back. So, I would want everything to be out in the open.

How have others handled this situation? What was the outcome?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks,
AILA

Personally in my relationship nothing is off limits. My husband can look at whatever he wants of mine, I have nothing to hide. He also doesnt care if I look at any of his things.

I would say that to rebuild that trust he will have to be an open book and nothing will be off limits for you. That is if he really wants to work on things with you. I dont know what he is telling you but if he says ok you can have access to this and this but not that, I wouldnt do it.

I guess if you trust someone you never really go looking for those things but thats because you know that if you ever had any doubts you could go look.

I dont know if any of this is making sense to you or not.. I guess my point is that he lost your trust so he has to earn it back, you shouldnt have to work so hard to get him to want to get it back. I have kinda followed your stories and it seems like you are the one that is a mess from all of this, he has broken your trust and your heart & you deserve better. It doesnt sound like he is making the efforts he should if he really wanted this relationship. I could be completely wrong but that is what it sounds like.

I really do wish you all the luck!

Just so you know there are lots of other good men out there that would love you the way you deserve. i know its easier said then done, just a reminder.

Hi
I just recently found this website and have been reading the topics and posts. I had not posted yet.... still figuring out what to write. I must say that I find myself connecting very strongly to you and your situation AILA. I find myself undergoing the same questions, struggle, and feelings that you write about.
I feel as Sawinski states that in a loving and caring relationship ideally there should be no area that is really off limits for each person. If there is nothing to hide, and there shouldn't be, then why would it be any different.
I live in situation where EVERYTHING is and always has been a case of hiding. It drives me crazy... and more and more -well actually FINALLY I am at a point where I have had enough of putting myself through this. I also have told my man that I don't want to always be questioning what is going on or looking to find something. It's a self destructive position to be in. I recognize that, MY problem is finding the inner strength to move on. I used to have a girlfriend who had serious relationships, and when it turned out that there were unacceptable aspects of the relationship that she knew she could not live with or wanted for herself - she immediately broke it off, worked through her hurt and I believe learned from the experience. I have always been envious of those strong women who know what they want and need and act on it.
If your guy wanted access to all and any of your information you would give it to him wouldn't you ? and probably nothave a problem with it.
I have been in acouple relationships where some things are a one way street. Also not how a healthy relationship should be, yes?

Oh as you can see - I have MUCH to say... too much perhaps?

Thank you both...

Like you Twisted...I lived in a house where everything was locked. He used different excuses for why he needed passwords for everything. He just pushed and pushed. He fights being completely open - and I know it is hard for him, he has never done that. From the beginning I always offered to show him anything. I was more than happy to put his mind at ease, because I would hate to have him feel the way that I was feeling. He never offered and got pissed off at the thought of justifying anything. I was always crazy and it was always my issue. It's funny; I never had anything to hide so I was completely open to showing anything. He was the opposite, which makes sense. I made excuses for the behavior because I loved him and I did not want to believe that he was hiding anything. I have learned my lesson from that. So, now - when he hesitates to show me anything I shut off. No more excuses.

Saw - you are right. Unlike some of the cheaters in the stories where things got better, he has NOT come clean about everything. He offers passwords and info about certain things, but not others. He answers questions without telling me all the details. He is still hiding and offering partial truths. He is not putting in the effort that he should be - even though he thinks that he is.

It makes me sick. I feel like a fool for even entertaining a life with him after the storm. You are right - I deserve better.

Thank you both,
AILA