Thanks T & S,
I know how much pain she is in and I want to take it from her. I am so screwed up. I took off for the weekend to get away and spend time reflecting and journaling and all I do is think of things we would be could doing together. I made the mistake of reaching out to her last nite(against our agreement) and she wanted to know where I was. I told her because I dont want to lie to here about even the small things and I could tell all that was running through her mind is "what is he doing behind my back and who is he with". I hate her not trusting me and i feel like I am never gonna get that back. The more I do the more she seems to step away. I am so empty without her. Everything little thing I want to tell her....about my day, work, family, etc. I miss my bestfriend. My close freind are starting to worry about me because i am withdrawn and if i do spend time with them it is like i have ADD or something because i am so preoccupied with thoughts of her and the future I may have ruined forever. One day at a time and that is hard.
Thank you for your words. They are appreciated.
AE

AE,

T&S's magnitude quote is pretty accurate. The amount of pain that you are feeling now could never equate to what she feels, because she probably actually opened up to you. You would be in a lot more pain now if you had let her in...so, I guess your coping mechanism worked. But then again, you probably would not have lost her.

However, I think that most people on this site would agree that when you are trying to regain trust from someone, you should not do the following:

1. Post anonymously on the same board that she does and write to her as though you don't know her;
2. Come up with a fake persona and email in order to convince her that you are not the same guy that crushed her – to gain her confidence. (Well, in thinking about it - that may have been the name and email that you used to contact other women – dishonorable);
3. Communicate with her and allow her to open up to you in a way that you know she would not do if she knew it were you;
4. Make suggestions to her all the while serving your own needs and desires; and
5. Post on the same site as a way to let her know that you are in fact the guy that has broken her heart yet has been in her ear unknowingly.

I don't know much...but I know that would not be good for you. I can only assume that it would make her wonder who the hell you are and how far you will go instead of actually doing the work you need to do. Even in the healing and growing process you are deceiving her. It would likely break her heart...what's left of it and let her know that you are still not where you need to be. We are on a lying and cheating support website and I am sure that it would BLOW HER MIND to find that you would use a site like that in order to deceive her further. She would probably have a hard time believing anything that you have said because it was calculated and said to manipulate her.

Enjoy your time away, "alone" - you have to stop running, hiding and lying - or there will be no one left that cares to help you. Your problems will always follow you until you deal with them.

I could not imagine how hard it would be to have really needed a friend...and to find out that you had begun to befriend the guy that stabbed you in the back and has continued to manipulate you. I can only assume that you would feel sick...I know I do.