i need some guidance FAST. I've been married to a liar for 3 1/2 years (with him over 4). he lies about all things, ranging from what he had for lunch to "i've never been married" (turns out i am wife number 5). he used to travel for his job, and about 2 wks. prior to marrying him, i found he had been looking at personals for women in towns he was going to for work. i also found he had joined a yahoo group for latina women who like black men. i married him anyway, and he went out of the country to work, and subsequently opened himself a true.com personals profile. i know this because i found his flirt alerts. i think he's been on just about every nasty porn site on the internet, because i found them in our history. his excuses are ridiculous - a 2 year old wouldn't believe him. i found through cell phone records that he was repeatedly calling one of his former teenage slut girlfriends (he's in his 40s). his excuse for that was beyond idiotic. he always has an inplausible excuse - so outlandish that it's insulting to me that he even says them out loud. he also lies about money. when i met him he told me he owned the house he lived in.he didn't. when he moved in with me, he told me he sold that house.in reality, he blew off the lease and owes thousands to them and another rental company. i can't trust him to pay bills. when we got together, i paid all bills except his truck payment, our storage shed, and insurance. i had to keep giving him money for his truck payment, but i don't know what he did with that money, because the truck got repossessed. i made some of the storage payments for him, but we were so behind they sold our stuff. i thought he was paying the insurance, but then i had a minor accident and was taken from the scene in handcuffs and booked at the police station, because i was driving with no insurance. the fines and fees were staggering. i can't trust him to pay anything. i had many money problems myself due to my divorce and having a child in college. consequently, i had to file bankruptcy. he told me he didn't owe anyone, so he didn't need to be included. then i noticed collection notices coming (for a gym membership he claimed he never did), so i said go on it anyway. they ran his credit report, and it was a nightmare. he owed everybody and their granny. creditors came out of the woodworks. he owed a fortune in back taxes. he refused to explain anything...i would ask...he'd say i dunno. the bankruptcy is a reorganization, where we pay everyone back, and it's burying us. our jobs are unstable and i'm about to lose child support because my youngest is graduating. then a bomb exploded last night. he was served with papers saying he owes nearly $32,000 in back child support. and this is a kid (he swears) he had no idea he knew about. in spite of all this, i love this person. he's good to me in a lot of ways(i know that seems so insane) and i've never felt this way about anyone (i'm in my 40s). the worst part is, lately the lying has been letting up, mainly because the guy gets absolutely no privacy as i'm constantly on him. i realize his lying is about self-esteem, that the money stuff has emasculated him. i want to be able to believe him when he tells me something. i need to have some peace before i die - i spent 22 years with a mean, violent, crazy person before i met him, and that was worse. but some of this is breaking my heart even more. The revelation of this child, and the potential that i'll have to find a way to squeeze 32,000 more dollars out of my empty pockets, is scaring the hell out of me. i now will likely lose my home, and god knows what else. i can't talk to anyone about this, and there's no money for counseling. how can i help myself deal with this without continuing to be a doormat? is that even possible? thank you.

splattered, I don't really know what else to tell you except to see a lawyer about this. You're probably thinking...where the he** am I going to get the money to see a lawyer? I don't have any idea how you can do that either, other than sell something, hock something...but I would see a lawyer. Your situation sounds so desperate, both financially, personally and emotionally. What a mess!

Sometimes it's hard to determine which is the bigger problem to deal with first...the financial mess or the personal/relation mess. But it sounds to me like you should probably cash in all your chips and start over, taking the losses and so forth and find a new beginning, without this man. If this was his first or even second marriage I may not have the same opinion, but seeing as how this is his 5th marriage and most likely not the first time he's pulled this I think it's a pretty safe bet to say you will not be able to fix this situation on your own OR with the help of a counselor. Sounds like it's way past that point.

Given the facts as you have explained them, I would look at the situation like this - it's either sink or swim and it sounds like you are already in the sink position without a raft. You are being taken down with the ship and it doesn't sound like this relationship is worth sacrificing yourself for. This is hard for me to say because we were in somewhat of a similar situation, but not nearly so very deep as your situation. I loved (love) my husband too, but if it were as bad as you have explained it here, I would be so long gone the dust wouldn't have settled before I would have been long gone without ever looking back.

I know you said you didn't have money for counseling. I assume you are talking about marriage/couples couseling. If that's the case, most states have some sort of woman's centers that offer counseling for woman in situations such as yours, which in my opinion sounds very close to serious emotional abuse. See if there is such a woman's center by calling 411. They may even have financial assistance for you. I know, because I was up until recently involved in a center in my state as a volunteer counselor for woman in situations such as yours. Other than that, I don't have any suggestions for you. Get out, swallow your losses while you still have a shirt on your back and save yourself first. Please, save yourself first. Divorce yourself from a situation that to me sounds like it is only going to get worse if you allow it to happen. The writing is on the wall. Marie

I know that my reply is not exactly timely given that you post was over a month ago.

However, if you are still in this situation, you may want to look into some of the free legal aid clinics in your area. Many law firms offer pro bono services as well. Get in the internet and do some research.

I am sure that you will be able to find someone that will help you out - even if on a sliding scale.

Best of luck,
AILA