I have known for over 10 years that I am a compulsive liar. I have hurt many people including my parents. I know that being a compulsive liar is unhealthy and I just don't know what to do.
Tonight, my compulsive lying has just made me lose my husband. I have lied to him so many times, I am still amazed we were still together. Sadly though, instead of telling the truth, I lied and then denied lying when he brought it up...I even was so sure of this lie (meaning the lie became a truth in my head) that I bet our relationship on it (that I was in fact telling the truth when I knew I wasn't)
He is a great guy and I am so pissed at myself for letting him go. He told me that he wants to help and support me, but he can't do it anymore as a husband...as a friend. I should be counting my lucky stars he still wants anything to do with me. He says he wants us to work, but he
can't and won't live like this. I don't blame him..I would have broken up with myself a long time ago.
Here is how we see it...even though we will no longer be bound together legally, we can still be committed to each other. Then, over time I guess we will see what will happen.
I want us to work, but part of me wonders if I am and ever was truly ready to get married. I know I can change...I don't know how. Does my husband (soon to be ex-husband) let me go and straighten myself out...let me hit rock bottom? Anyone out there have any advice on this?
Thank you so much.

Hi,

Well, I am in the role of your husband in my current situation. I have been lied to countless times and cheated on.

You will never understand what it is like to look at someone that you love and know that they have the capacity to lie right to your face. To deceive you.

And you will wonder - why? WHY??? What you need to do it figure out WHY you do that. Are you afraid of truly committing to someone? Do you think that if someone really knows you they won't like what they see? That is 100% for you to figure out. The only way that you will be able to change is if you discover the root of the problem - the root of WHY you lie.

I do believe that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up. But, it is then the time for action. Work on yourself with all your strength. There is nothing that you can tell your (ex)husband that will allow him to trust you. IT will be a series of actions and reliability over time that will build trust.

NOTE: betrayals after you have committed to regaining his trust can be more damaging than the original betrayal. So, for your sake and his - don't try to regain his trust until you are really REALLY ready to give it your all and change.

Go the therapy!!!!! Talk through your issues and come to some realizations for yourself. At some point, if he is willing, you can do some joint therapy sessions.

If you really love him – and if you can’t change – then let him go. As someone in that position, I have been ripped limb from limb by the one that I love the most. I walked away, but I left my heart with him. If he tries hard enough to get me back – I don’t know what I will do. So – don’t do that to your love. Be sure of what you want and what you are willing to do to get it – before you bring him back into the mix. It is only fair…

I agree with Alone in LA and would also add that a lot of damage is done early on in our lives and you need to look back to your childhood for answers. I have been a troubled human being for most of my life. Mostly, I had identity issues. When I was young I felt like I didn't belong because my home situation was different to the other children I knew. Other people didn't make me feel the way I did, it was just me I guess. The good thing is to realise that there is a problem and to want to do something about it. One day I came to the realisation that I alone was responsible for my life and how I chose to live it so I started to look into myself and try to discover why I did some of the things I did. I have found out plenty with the help of books, websites like these and generally, being kind to myself. I kind of made friends with myself, reconnected. I have also taken away the pressure I was under by facing my problems and finding another solution which takes away the pressure.

My advice to you would be to try and get to know YOU, your husband has to wait I am afraid. Only when you have got to the bottom of this will you be in a position to give anything to anyone else. Good luck to you, I am sure you can do it.

pandalover1999 wrote:

QUOTE:
Does my husband (soon to be ex-husband) let me go and straighten myself out...let me hit rock bottom? Anyone out there have any advice on this?
Thank you so much.

You need to realize what you are losing and why you are losing it, and you need to do it in a fashion that will stick with you.

Losing your husband due to a lying habit, especially if you love him, may be what you need to realize that lying only causes hurt and grief to those who love you. A traumatic event, such as getting divorced with someone you love, may be the glue you need for it to stick in your mind, never wanting to experience this again.

Know that your husband married the woman he loves, and if he sees you do a complete 180, you may have a chance at keeping him. However, it will not be an easy road, but a worthwhile one.

Best of luck to you.