I've just recently discovered how much I lie when my girlfriend broke up with me last week. Looking back on it now, I feel so awful about all the things I lied about and many of the things were just small stupid things, and I didn't even realize it at the time. She said she couldn't trust me, and in a way, I'm glad that she broke up with me because it made me realize that I do have a problem. I really do love her a lot, and I was actually planning on proposing to her later in the year. She thinks that I can't change, but I know that now I can because I realize how bad I've become. I guess what I'm trying to figure out here is if it is possible for me to change. I have been telling the truth for about 5 days and I feel great already, but more will be necessary for my girl to even consider jumping back in with me. I don't want her to think she can't trust me and I need her to know how much I love her and care for her, I'm just tired of feeing like I need to lie about things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

JJ, I am not going to pretend that I can answer your question because I am not an expert on lying, however, for what it's worth to you I have an opinion about habitual, chronic liars.

My take is that some people who lie do so to control the perception of the listener. That's kinda obvious, but what I mean is that the control part is more important to a liar than the perception part. It's like if a liar can control the interaction between themselves and the listener they can hope to achieve a controlled result, that being what the listener thinks about you. Sometimes this is achieved by painting a picture for the listener that would make them (the listener that is) feel better, or hurt them or make them happy or gain their trust or make them feel comforted or even angry. So in the end the person doing the lying is attempting to control the thoughts and feelings of the person they are lying to.

I'm not saying that this is the case with all types of liars, but for some I think it is. If you could just find it in yourself to tell the truth and let the person you are truth-telling to take it whatever way they will without thinking about how they will react you may find it easier to come clean. How they interpret or react to what you say is their job. Not yours. You just need to put the truth out there and then let it go. If you get a response or reaction to telling the truth about someting that makes you uncomfortable, just remember, it is their job to digest what you say in their own way. If it is a bad or uncomfortable reaction, just remember, it is their reaction and they are allowed to have that reaction, even if it isn't the reaction you hoped for.

Own your own stuff and let other people own theirs. Live in honesty and people will appreciate you more for being honest than any other quality or talent or fortune you conjure up in your head. That, my friend, is the greatest gift you can give yourself, to others and be proud of. M

thanks for the reply. Apparently my girlfriend does not care to wait any longer, so today I got served with the "let's just go our separate ways" speech, and now I feel really awful because I made the commitment to counseling and she doesn't seem to care. I know I should still go, but now I'm feeling even more horrible and depressed, and I can't deal with the prospect of never speaking to her again.

WELL..FIRST OF ALL...ITS NICE U ADMIT TO BEING A LIAR. THAT IS REFRESHING, SO GIVE URSELF CREDIT FOR THAT!! THE ONE THING U SAID, THAT BOTHERED ME IS...CAN U CHANGE? IF U ARE QUESTIONING YOURSELF THAN I AM ALMOST CERTAIN U WONT CHANGE!! THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE CHANGE IS BY BEING POSITIVE AND GETTING OUT THERE AND MAKING IT CHANGE!! READ UP ON COMPULSIVE LIARS...GO TO COUNSELING...BRING HER IN WITH U...SO SHE CAN SEE UR TRYING! IF U KNOW U LIED, TELL HER RIGHT AWAY...WOW I AM SORRY I LIED, THAT WAY, U ARE CORRECTING URSELF AND NOT HER OR SOMEONE ELSE! THAT IS WHATS IMPORTANT! BY ADMITTING U WERE WRONG IS SO IMPORTANT...SO WHEN LYING HAPPENS, ADMIT TO IT RIGHT AWAY...AND MAKE A MENTAL NOTE OF IT, SO U WILL BECOME AWARE OF WHEN AND HOW U DO IT!!
GOOD LUCK...U CAN DO IT...U ARE ALREADY ON THE RIGHT TRACK!

If you're tired of yourself you're on the right track! Do the mature logical things you're talking about like counseling; and maybe journaling to come clean with yourself and feel like you're making progress on an incredibly valuable goal everyday. Conversing with a piece of paper can be amazingly theraputic and liberating! Sounds like you're truly headed in the right direction, with or without said girlfriend. I'm on the other side of the equation and I would admire and appreciate (and feel due!) your efforts. As commonsensical and easy as they might seem I realize they're not but they are necessary (and requisite if you want to pursue a truly fulfilling life). Liars aren't fulfilled in some important way or they wouldn't lie, right? If this girl is who you truly love then I hope you adopt honesty as a character trait and she comes around. But if she doesn't (and I would understand, most damage has some point of no return), just think how much more peaceful YOUR life will be on a daily basis, and how much better any future relationship will be right out of the gate. Twelve Step Programs, of any denomination and for better or worse, are excellent inroads to honest living. They pursue humility (not to be confused with humiliation) and it's an amazing sensation when you get the knack. I distinctly remember having a light bulb moment when I realized it felt good to stand corrected or give someone else credit; it felt good to bypass embellishments and exagerations (be less than perfect); it felt good to inventory interactions at the end of the day and feel humbled and comfortable. It's a really cool thing and well worth the conscious effort and process. As a response before me mentioned, none of us have the luxury of asking if we can change, it's a choice. As Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." Do it! And good luck on the road ahead.

jeff wrote:
thanks for the reply. Apparently my girlfriend does not care to wait any longer, so today I got served with the "let's just go our separate ways" speech, and now I feel really awful because I made the commitment to counseling and she doesn't seem to care. I know I should still go, but now I'm feeling even more horrible and depressed, and I can't deal with the prospect of never speaking to her again.

You'll find another woman, trust me.

In time, you will find someone else. Repeat this to yourself many times, until you believe it. Once you believe it, a whole world of beautiful women are out there.

I finally did this. I still love and long for my ex, but I've realized that beautiful women are everywhere. I've made it a game to see how many women I can make feel better about themselves. You know, flirting and whatnot. How many times I can get a woman to smile in the same conversation.

I can actually say that I would need to thank my ex for showing me that our relationship wasn't going to work. I don't consider myself a player, but I definitely can see how being single and playing the game of "how many women can I pick up?" would be an addiciting lifestyle.

You'd be surprised what you are capable of when you shift your attention from your ex to yourself or to a new hobby.

And do not continue going to therapy for her. Do it for yourself. In order to find that great woman later, you need to get the qualities she will want, now.